The last few weeks have been a whirl wind! I am surprised that July is
almost over! I swear I just looked at the calendar and it was May. Why
does time go by so fast, and if time is going by so fast how come things
from the past can linger for so long?
Truth is… It’s not
lingering. I am holding onto it! Guarding it tightly! Holding onto it
because I know it to be true! The problem is, it just simply isn’t a
truth. It’s just something I’ve turned into truth for myself.
God’s
been working with me on letting go, carefully, compassionately and
lovingly working with me on letting go. Yet I’ve been holding on
tighter.
This visual came to mind this week. It was in that moment it clicked
A
mother standing in front of her young daughter who is gripping a very
tattered, very stained much too small shirt that the child had come to
love. Maybe the little girl even thought she ran the best wearing that
shirt, or that she played the best wearing that shirt, or for whatever
reason she avoided getting into trouble wearing that shirt. She’s taken
that shirt on as a part of her identity. Now what the child doesn’t see
what the mother does. The mother sees it’s too tight, every time the
little girl squeezes into it. The tight old shirt is beginning to cut
off circulation in the arms. She’s is clearly uncomfortable when
wearing it as now her behavior has changed, no one likes being
uncomfortable and crankiness occurs maybe we can go as far as saying
melt downs occur!! Then there is the fact that it looks plain
ridiculous! If she could only see what the mother saw! Now this mother
knows she has let this go on long enough. Everything has a time and
place and it is time to end this! The mother also knows she has replaced
the shirt with a brand new better one! It’s the perfect size, the
child will be able to be free in the shirt, not so restricted and the
best part is it’s clean!
The hard part comes now as the
mother tries to pull the shirt from her beloved daughter’s hands. She
knows this is going to be hard, so she’s braced herself to be calm, to
be graceful, and to be just be loving!After all her daughter’s feelings
are at stake. She knows what is best, but she also knows this is going
to hurt. She gets her daughter’s attention slowly not pushy begins to
reach for the shirt. The child begins to scream and shout. The child
begins to cry, a painful as they are so emotionally attached to this
shirt. The mother feels her daughter’s pain and continues on. She
reminds the little girl that she loves her, she’ll always love her, but
it is time to get rid of this and move on. Something better is in store.
The little girl not satisfied with this, not believing this as truth
backs away and struggles to get the shirt on. If her mother is going to
take it from her. She’s going to have to rip it from her body!
The
mother seeing this stands back, not willing to physically rip the shirt
off the child. She could, she’s bigger she’s stronger.The mother knows
her little girl has to let go on her own.
The child
continues to scream, she continues to act out. She backs herself into a
corner. Yelling she’s NEVER coming out again. She wants to be left
alone! All she needs is this shirt. She doesn’t need anything, or
anything one
The mother smiles sadly and reminds the little
one again she loves her. She promises her that she will always be there
for her, and she asks her to trust her. Now the mother sits down on the
ground giving the child room,but not leaving the room. She utters an I
love you again. Not once does she say. “My little one, you are being
ridiculous!”Not once does she say “You’re behavior right now is stupid!”
No. She just sits there “When you’re ready” She calls out to the little
girl my arms open. “I will hold you, I will wipe your tears, I will
kiss your cheeks. I will show you something better. I will always love
you!” She’s not saying the child won’t have repercussions for this
behavior as she knows every thing comes with a lesson.Every choice has
an outcome.
The mother continues to sit there just loving her
daughter through this. Her heart actually heavy knowing how upset her
child is. She knows that she has to come to this conclusion herself.
Hours
go by, it feels likes a life to the mother as the little girl, cries,
gets mad, hides away and sulks. The mother never stops saying “I love
you, trust me, I am here for you.”
The little girl finally
grows tired of screaming, her throat hurts, her arms hurt from the
shirt. She crawls out of her corner and catches a glimpse of herself in
the mirror. It was in that moment she sees what her mother sees. The
shirt is gross, it’s too small and frankly she looks ridiculous.Tears
begin to fall as she’s now embarrassed for her behavior.
The mom stands now walking over to her daughter kneeling in front of her. She holds out her arms out to her daughter.
She instantly runs to them. I am sorry she cries.
The
mother holds her as she said she would. She wipes her tears as she
promised she would. “Can I have your shirt now?” She asks. The little
girl nods and allows her mother to peel the tight shirt off her body
finally freeing her. The little girl actually notices how much better
she feels. Her eyes light up when her mother revels the new shirt. She
quickly puts it on and now looks at herself in the mirror. It fits
perfectly!It’s clean. It’s freeing.
The mother has now taken
the dirty old shirt and has throws it away, before she goes back to her
daughter pulling her into her arms.Holding her tightly and reminding her
how loved she is.
I’ve been struggling with holding onto my
own dirty old too tight once favorite shirt. I wasn’t willing to throw
it away. If it was gone who would I be?
God’s been sitting
there on the floor in front of me. Arms wide open. Saying I am here.
I’ll be here. I am not going to rip that away from you, you are going to
have to make this choice yourself. In fact he was saying I love you so
much, I am going to help prove it to you. Pops of joy planted right in
front of you.Gifts of love just for you! “Look up Jacqueline. Look up
from that shirt and look at the pops of joy just for you. Jacqueline, I
love you so much. I am going to put people into your life who will love
you! They will be able to show you just a little glimpse of how big my
love is for you. Trust me. I know what’s best, I know what is freeing.”
For
months I’ve held onto this. For months I’ve thrown my own tantrum. For
months I ignored those pops of joy. For months I tuned out those people
in my life who were there loving me. Showing me glimpses of God's love
for me!
This week one of those friends finally said something
that caught my attention. My first reaction was to shut down, to play
it off. To simply tell her it wasn’t true. She was wrong. She had no
idea what she was talking about. Very much like the mother in my story
above this friend stayed calm. This friend showed grace and this friend
stood back. It didn’t matter I was arguing it. She refused to argue her
point.
Me being the stubborn girl, I am had to push one more
time.Still she didn’t argue her point, but she did say one more thing
that caught my attention. Something that made me realized I had failed a
goal I had set up in our friendship. I was devastated.
Finally
this week came and as funny as it sounds God and I went to blows.
Correction I went to blows and he like the mother sat there saying “I
will love you through this tantrum.”
I started running this
week, I was trying to run from God,or myself both inescapable!I’ve been
angry before, but I have never been this angry before. I shut myself
down for two days. I shut the world out. I did my job of course but when
I got home Jacqueline was shut down. I wasn’t angry at my friend, that
much I knew but why? Why was I so angry!
So why was I
running and yelling and fighting? I realized what it was. I realized I
was holding onto this too tight too small shirt. It had become my
security blanket. It kept me safe. It kept people at a distance. Even
from those who I claim are the closet to me. This is why I was upset, I
had failed my goal.My friendship should have NEVER had a goal. My goal
was in reality a wall that was keeping my friend safe from me! I
shouldn’t have to keep my friends safe from me!! I should just be 100
percent me, and they will love me for that. They already have loved me
up to this point for just being me. Why couldn’t I trust them to get to
know all of me? In reality I felt as if I failed her, and myself.
Now
that was clear, I had to go back to the first thing she said. The first
thing that caught my attention! She called attention to the fact that I
was indeed holding onto something.
Now she brought it to my
attention and stepped back it was up to God and I figure to out what it
was. It was on me. So again some more crying, tantrum throwing I
finally caught a glimpse of myself. Just as silly as that little girl
looked wearing that too small shirt, is how I look carrying a burden
that I am not meant to carry. I’ve fallen to my knees, I’ve asked for
forgiveness to God.I’ve asked him to please take it. I don’t want that
burden as my identity. I have kept onto it because I’ve taken it on as
my identity. I was too scared to admit it, too scared to figure out who I
was with out it. Yet I realized carrying that burden. I knew I didn't
want it, but I was too scared to get rid of it. But it was taking away
from me becoming who I am meant to be. I love people, I LOVE my family
and friends. How can I carry God’s light if I am carrying a burden?
I
gave him that dirty old rotten identity burden shirt to throw away.
I’ve thanked him for that visual he gave me of that mother while I was
running. (The visual distracted me from the fact I just ran three
miles.) I thanked him for my friends who love me enough, to push me past
my comfort zone.To call me out on my behavior. Who challenge me to own
it. Yet who are still there in the end saying. I love you.
It’s
going to take work to keep me from hunting for that old identity, the
enemy would love to hand it back to me and pretend it’s a new better
shirt. So it’s coming up with a new strong buster, it’s filling my mind
with verses, it’s listening to the good music. It’s GOOD positive and
fun conversations with that people that matter most to me. It’s about
owning my behavior. It’s about being real. It’s about staying in
counseling, it’s about working hard to keep my friends close, it’s about
breaking down those walls. It’s about growing!
I’ve come to
far in my life, to allow myself to destroy myself. My enemy is not
getting this girl. I will NOT carry that burden anymore. My friend is
right. It’s tiring and I am tired of it. I am tired of coming back to
the same icky feelings, having the same sad conversations, I am tired of
missing out on what is going on their lives. I am tired of missing the
joy in each moment.
I am growing, I am changing, and I am
living and I will not be wearing that old identity! I will be wearing
the new clean,forgiven, loveable Jacqueline Identity.
I will
be okay when I make a mistake, I will be okay when I reach out of my
comfort zone, I will be okay when I accept inventions to hang out with
my friends. I will be okay.
Striving to be that very special light, striving to be a contagious Woman of God.
To
my friend, who I am praying reads this… Thank you… God’s used you to
show me his unfailing love. You have know idea what a journey this was..
How painfully beautiful! Or just how much I appreciate you! How much
I love you! Thank you for firm love! Thank you for choosing to love me!
To my friend who sat quietly by this week, just watching
and pointing up with a smile, allowing me to hit bottom before I looked
up! Thank you for loving me in my tantrum moments and thank you for not
allowing me to give up! Thank you for pointing to God!
Promising
myself to grow, but understanding I am not a perfect person and this
journey is going to continue and I will walk humbly through keeping my
eyes on God. For it is him that I will find my true identity
And I find myself singing… My God is so GREAT! So Strong and So MIGHTY! There’s nothing my God CAN NOT do.”
