Reflection

Since August of 2011 my life has changed very drastically. I am not a girl that does well with change at all! I freak out if someone moves a couch in my house a quarter of an inch to the right. So to have such a huge life changing event has really unsettled me. However as I reflect on it, I can see that yes some of it has been painful. Honestly some of it has been more painful then anything I have ever experienced in my life to be. Yet some of it has been very empowering! Very eye opening, very special. It's hard to sum it all up. I have gotten to grow into a better person. I have learned to pay even more attention to those around me. I have learned to look for the people that give off bright lights. Draw near to them. Learn from them.. And turn around and try and shine a little brighter for those who watching me.

I have had many moments since August where I've been on my knees in tears begging God to help me understand why this was happening to me! Or I have been on the phone with someone I trust in tears. I looked at these moments in pure disgust, as if crying out was wrong. As if it made me weaker. As if I were a child throwing a tantrum. Now as I reflect on this, I see it differently. It DID not make me a weaker person. I am human and I am going to feel pain. Pain will always be in my life at some point or another. Until I get to go to heaven to be with my God.

If these events hadn't of happened, I am not sure I would be who I am right this very second. I know I wouldn't be reaching out to the Lord. I would still be in the fog of my day to day life. Living but not really living.

I wouldn't be looking for the people who encourage me. I wouldn't see their lights shining. I wouldn't be able to learn from them, or to reach out to them in their times of need. I just wouldn't see them. The fog was too thick.

I still have NO clue on what's next. I still don't know what to do next. But I do know that I am Jacqueline Jean Ballard and I am one of God's princess's and he loves me. He loves me in the moments where I can't stand myself. He loves me when I am on the ground in tears. He loves me when I am just hanging out with my friends being crazy. He loves me all of the time. How awesome is that? My God is SO GREAT!!

We talked about who we look up too, and who we are being a mentor for. Then we were to tell those people that we looked up to them. I managed to tell one person that I saw that they were a beautiful light.. That moment of listening to God and really opening up my heart was pretty big. I want to be a light that shines.

I want this time right now to build me into the best person that I can be. SO that in years from now when I reflect on it. I can see what God did for me.

I have MANY shining stars in my life... I am so very blessed that God has planted these people into my life.

I have a few areas in my life that I still need to work on. That I still need to give over to God, but I feel that I am growing daily into a better person then I was a year ago at this time.

So as I reflect right this moment, I can see the pain that I have pushed through, but what I see more are the MANY gifts from God.

8 years..

A flash back in time.. My mom my Nanny and me.. I am the one in the middle :)




8 years this month ago, I lost one of the most important people in my life. I lost my beloved grandma or Nanny as I called her. Nanny meant the world to me. She'd been there my whole life. I can't remember ever not knowing her. My mom moved in with her when I was just a infant and for most of my life after that I lived with my mom and my grandma. She was always there when I needed someone to talk to. She taught me to love coffee, by three years old I had my first coffee cup. We'd talk every morning over coffee. She was never too busy to take time out of her day to play games with me, let me do crazy things to her hair. When she pulled out her sewing kit she always gave me a bag of buttons to play with. Her green eyes always lit up when I walked into a room and her smile could make me smile. I have hundreds no thousands of wonderful memories with my Nanny but my favorite memories were riding into to town in her old truck which she named Nelly.

(And now you guys know where I learned to name my car from. For those that don't know my car's name is Ruby!)


As we rode in old Nelly into town we'd sing songs the whole way. Who needed a radio when your nanny could sing. Let me tell ya that woman could sing! She was once offered a singing deal and turned it down.. Her voice was amazing... My favorite song was about swinging on a star.. I am posting the words below..

My Nanny taught me to appreciate stars, to find their beauty and wonder. To this day stars are my favorite things!



Thinking about Nanny makes me smile, makes my heart fill with Joy. I can't tell you how much she taught me in life. She taught me to Pray, She taught me to always say please and thank you. She said you can never use those words too much. She taught me to love animals with my whole heart and treat them as I would my best friend. She taught me smiling is always the best way to start your day. She taught me coffee doesn't really stunt your growth. She taught me to never be too busy to play a game of Candy Land with someone you love. I could go on and on and on..


I know that I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for my Nanny... I was the luckiest little girl in the world to have her...

Would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are

Or would you rather be a mule
A mule is an animal with long funny ears
Kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny but his brain is weak
He's just plain stupid with a stubborn streak
And by the way, if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule

Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a pig

A pig is an animal with dirt on his face
His shoes are a terrible disgrace
He has no manners when he eats his food
He's fat and lazy and extremely rude
But if you don't care a feather or a fig
You may grow up to be a pig

Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are

Or would you rather be a fish
A fish won't do anything, but swim in a brook
He can't write his name or read a book
To fool the people is his only thought
And though he's slippery, he still gets caught
But then if that sort of life is what you wish
You may grow up to be a fish
A new kind of jumped-up slippery fish

And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
Every day you meet quite a few

So you see it's all up to you
You can be better than you are
You could be swingin' on a star










I can hear her voice singing this song.... Oh.. Makes me cry a little...

One Day...

This picture, makes me cry. It makes my heart skip a beat. It makes me feel safe. It gives me a million and one emotions.

I found it online today and just had to show you.

True love...

When I think about heaven, I think about being a small innocent child again. One that hasn't been hurt. One that knows no evil. One that is trusting and wide eyed. One that only knows how to love. I think that's how we'll be again. I picture being held in the arms of the one that loved me more then anyone else has ever loved me.

Life is a gift! One that I am glad that I have been given. I am going to enjoy it's time. I am going to be joyful during the happy times and I am going to give thanks and most likely shed tears through the harder times. I do this because I know some day that this will be my outcome! This will make the joy filled moments I have now seem like nothing. This is where it began and where it ends.

I am so very thankful to be me! I am so very thankful for my mind and how it works. I know that I was created to be just who I am. To look at the world the way I do. To love the way I love. To feel every emotion that I feel. I was created to be me. I was created because I was already so loved! One day this is how it will end!

I know this because, I am loved and because I have Faith...

See this makes the hardships like right now.. Not seem so hard.

MY GOD IS SO GREAT!!

My shining star...

I love writing, writing is the biggest outlet for me. I have been asked a few times in the past few days "What do you want to do with your life?" My first thought always goes to writing! Then the voice comes into my head that says... "Are you kidding me? You can't write! Your writing is garbage! Don't even wast your time Jacq." Then I take a step back and let the dream die down a little.. Well YOU KNOW WHAT? That voice is wrong! It's not the truth. I can write as much as I want to. When I want to and how I want to. It's something I enjoy doing. It's something that makes me smile and makes my heart happy. I love writing fiction and I love working on my blog.

In past blogs I have said I do my blog for myself, so that in the future I can remind myself of what I was going through at this time. That's true. That's why I do my blog. So why am I worried about others are thinking? When honestly they probably aren't thinking anything negative at all. That silly little voice gets to me every time. This blog is for me to help me grow into a better person. I am learning from it. But if I happen to help others grow in my blog then that's a plus! I love to help others!

Right now, life isn't all roses and it's hard! I am learning how to find myself. I am not tied up into one stereo type. I am Jacqueline Jean Ballard and I am special and important and God made me... I am here to serve his purpose and be his light. I am going to do that. I am going to be the light that I was created to be! I am going to shine brighter then I have ever have before. I want you all to see the wonderful work God is doing in my life!

Yep I am at a set back in life that's a truth but it's a not a stopper.. It's a learning game! One that God has been preparing me for, for years. One that he is offering to hold my hand through. He wants me to hold his hand! So I've reached out and I have taken it! It's dark and scary but holding his hand makes it feel less scary.

He's provided me with shining stars that help clear the path a little while we walk. Shining stars in the eyes of my pets who love me all the time! Shining stars in the eyes of the children I see during Awana. Shining stars of great messages that I get to hear at church. Shining stars in the share laughter with my friends. Shining stars in a friends hug at the right time. Are you seeing my trend? So many shining stars lighting up the dark path and with God's hand I am going to get through it.

Honestly I am kind of excited to be on this journey... I think when I come out I am going to be a whole lot stronger, a whole lot wiser and a whole lot happier. I am going to go places I have never dreamed of going!

So for this year I am going to write my heart out! I am going to be a shining star in my own life and in those of the people. I am going to give with everything I have... I am going to love with every fiber of my being..

I am diving in!

I love you all!

Oh my 2011

I was very excited about 2011, I knew it would be a big year. I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that 2011 was going to be huge. I can honestly say that I am thankful for 2011 but I am kind of happy to see it ending.

Funny how we judge everything in time frames. I think it helps us cope with the world. Gives us something to look forward to and in some ways to close a chapter of our lives that we want to move on from.

I am closing 2011 and I am going to welcome 2012 with open arms and a open heart.

Right now I am still walking in the battles of 2011 which seem to over shadow the whole year. It's harder to sit down and write out exactly what amazing things have happened in 2011. Which means it was super important to do that. I had to find the wonderful parts of 2011.

Then I started thinking and thinking and so many things popped out at me.

2011....

I went on 2 vacations this year! Saw my wonderful family in both Nevada and Arkansas. Both vacations included my wonderful younger sister Holly. I love my siblings and any chance I get with them is always wonderful. My sister Holly and I so close in life because we are so very much alike. I don't have to explain my thinking to her. She just knows usually because it's the way she's thinking. Or she's been there. Or she's going through it at the same time as me. We are so much alike and that in it's self is a gift.

I also got to spend time with my younger brother and sister Becca and Jonah they've grown so much. I've missed out on a lot of their lives and I will forever be sad about that. However seeing them grown. Talking to them. I am so very proud of them. I am so blessed to be their eldest sister. God was great giving me this family.

Spending time with other mom and my dad and Grandma Barbara was wonderful too. I always come back with so much love and knowledge in my heart from spending time with my other mom. She's one of my biggest role models in life. I only hope that some day I can be a little bit more like her. I am still like a child around her. I am always amazed at everything she does. The love she has for us. Melts my heart.

The bummer was I missed seeing my sister Samantha this trip. She's off being a married women living her own life. I am so proud of her. She also is giving me the best gift ever. A new niece or nephew in 2012... Yay! I love being an auntie!

In Nevada my sister and I were very busy running around spending time with grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins. We never slowed down. We were shown so much love in the time we were there. Memories that I will hold in my heart forever! I can't wait until we get to do that again!

My friends have continued to be the most amazing people ever. Supportive and loving. I have gotten to watch my friend Jamie's son grow from an infant to a toddler in one year. I have gotten to hold him and love him. I am so thankful to be a part of his life.

A whole year of memories of beach trips, lunches. walks.. Sunday afternoon knitting sessions. Heart to heart talks. Plus the talks that leave you in tears while you've been laughing so hard. That's what I remember about 2011 with my group of friends... Thank you! Megan, you are my rock a lot of the times. You always know how to make me laugh when I want to cry. 2011 has just made that stronger... I love ya!

I also this year anxiously awaited the arrival of a friend that made her way into my heart in the course of a year. Snail mail.. Snail mail gave me the gift of a friend that now I can't even picture living my life with out. Pen pals really do connect people in a whole other way. I feel that you really get to know someone in letters. I will always openly admit that I would not have this friend if it weren't for God. God knew that I was going to need someone like her during 2011 so he spent 2010 connecting us. Helping us each grow in a new way. Now she's back and our friendship is huge. That is one of my biggest gifts of 2011... We were also blessed and born on the same day.. So not only do we get to share a super wonderful friendship we get to share a day to celebrate our lives. Cool huh? I love it.. I love her and her family that I am getting to know more and more each day!

I saw some people I love go through the loss of loved ones. Mothers, fathers, and brothers,. That broke my heart to pieces. I wasn't able to bring them the comfort I would have loved to give them. I had to watch and pray from the sidelines. Telling them how much I loved them and how much I was praying for them. My heart still aches for them and they are still in my prayers. This also reminded to make sure you tell your loved ones every day how much you love them. It's so very important!

My own family has had some hard times this year and we are all torn apart living in different situations. However we spent Christmas together and I felt that my family was on the way to healing. It was the best Christmas we've ever had. My sister Candice is happy and engaged! I will have another wonderful brother in law and a new niece to love. Jamie is happy. That's all I've ever wanted.

My parents are working on their lives and are striving to fix what is broken and are growing. I am still learning a lot from them. I am so blessed to have them in my life. They take such good care of me. They don't bat an eye when I need something. This is my hard time in life and they are behind me rooting for me. Thanks mom and dad. You guys are my world.

I could go on for hours about how many blessings 2011 has brought but I think it might get boring. So know that I see my blessings in my harder times. I am so very thankful for what 2011 and has taught me.

Alright 2012 how can you top 2011?

Don't Give In...I am not...

I believe we all have voices that attack us when we are down. Now I am not saying we are crazy just because we hear them. What I am talking about is that voice inside your head that weighs heavily on your heart and it tells you aren't good enough. You'll never be good enough.

I've struggled with this voice for years. It hangs around every day but is so much louder in times of hardship. If you allow it to get to you it bogs you down. It puts you in a funk it makes your heart to the point you thinks its going to break into a million pieces.

I am guilty of letting that voice get to me the last few days. I let it control me. I let it tell me the people that love me don't. I let it tell me that I am just not going to make it and I am not going to be ok. Then I start to shut down. I shut out the people that mean the most to me. I hide away and I hurt.

What good is that doing me? Why do I listen to that voice tell me that my friends and family can't love me. No I am not perfect and I have my flaws. My family love me even knowing this and I love them knowing they aren't perfect and i don't expect them to be. So why do I think that they can't love me?

I am the one that ends up suffering even more. I didn't give them a chance to help me.

I am taking an active step to not let that voice get to me. When I stopped and asked for help. When I showed my pain to someone that loved me. They didn't judge me. They were honest with me. They didn't put me down. Yes they told me some things that were hard to hear but I needed to hear. It give me a clear view. Helped me push the voice outside of my head.

The voice is still here but I am not letting it control me. When I hear it. When I feel my heart to start to get heavy. I close my eyes. Picture myself being as upset as this past few days and pray to God to help me be stronger. Help me to not feel that pain. I remember the words of wisdom I was given.

I take a minute and see all my blessings and I open my eyes and the voice is gone and I am stronger.

Life is NEVER going to be easy. Never EVER going to be easy.

However I refuse to let that little voice control my life.

I refuse to shut the people out of my life that love me. I will not be alone.

I will never abandon them so I can't think they will abandon me.

My God is So Great! So Strong and SO mighty! There isn't nothing my God can't do... It's a song we sing with our cubbies and it's been stuck in my head for days.. It's true my God gave me this life and My God gave me my group of people that love me... There is nothing My God Can't help me out of...

Becoming a Stronger me.. One day at a time!

Love you all!

My heart hurts

God is wonderful, I know it. I feel it. I believe it. I know that there is a plan for me. I know that things are going to be okay. I know I am going to look back at this time period in my life in a few years from now and see it so clearly. However right this very second my heart HURTS... I can't function. My brain knows the logic my heart has yet to catch up. I am being honest and truthful right now. I am hurt and I am scared and I feel slightly alone. I know I am not. I have so many people that love me. That's been shown to me each day. I am blessed. However in the quiet moments of the day I just sometimes feel alone. It's hard.

I am not good at asking for help. I am not at honestly letting people know how I am feeling. I am good with saying. "I'll be fine.. I am fine. It's okay." Well here I am saying out loud I am not okay. Not at all. I am hurting. Though I am going to stop trying to hide my pain from the ones I love and I am going to ask for help. That's my goal this weekend. I am going to admit I need a hug. I am going to admit that I need some time with the people that build me up the most. They keep me going and remind me how good God is to me. They are here because of God.

I am going to be just fine in the end, I am going to be a stronger person. I know it!

Here's a little glimpse of why I know that I live a very blessed life!

I am blessed to have sisters! I am blessed to be as close to Holly as I am. Life would be boring with out my siblings!

I am blessed to have friends who like to play as much as me

I am blessed to have friends who share their children with me

I am blessed to have someone to make a scarf for. Someone who wears it proudly knowing it was a gift from the heart

I have so many more pictures of so many more blessings but you'd be here for hours looking at them..

I don't have a recent picture with all 5 of us Ballard kids together but I am blessed to be a Ballard. I love my family!

I am so Thankful for all of my family the Ballards and the Wrights I'd be lost with out you guys.

I am also THANKFUL for my friends who get me through each day...

The people that love me.. Too many to name...

Megan, Jenny, and Holly.. You three mean the world to me thanks for loving me right now through the moodyness and the tears... You guys are my light in this storm.

And most importantly... Thank you GOD for this trial, thank you for this storm. I praise you in the Storm. I know you are carrying me through. I know I am going to be a better person and I know I always have you. I pray that you continue to carry me and protect my loved ones and we continue on this journey called life... Amen..