My heart hurts

God is wonderful, I know it. I feel it. I believe it. I know that there is a plan for me. I know that things are going to be okay. I know I am going to look back at this time period in my life in a few years from now and see it so clearly. However right this very second my heart HURTS... I can't function. My brain knows the logic my heart has yet to catch up. I am being honest and truthful right now. I am hurt and I am scared and I feel slightly alone. I know I am not. I have so many people that love me. That's been shown to me each day. I am blessed. However in the quiet moments of the day I just sometimes feel alone. It's hard.

I am not good at asking for help. I am not at honestly letting people know how I am feeling. I am good with saying. "I'll be fine.. I am fine. It's okay." Well here I am saying out loud I am not okay. Not at all. I am hurting. Though I am going to stop trying to hide my pain from the ones I love and I am going to ask for help. That's my goal this weekend. I am going to admit I need a hug. I am going to admit that I need some time with the people that build me up the most. They keep me going and remind me how good God is to me. They are here because of God.

I am going to be just fine in the end, I am going to be a stronger person. I know it!

Here's a little glimpse of why I know that I live a very blessed life!

I am blessed to have sisters! I am blessed to be as close to Holly as I am. Life would be boring with out my siblings!

I am blessed to have friends who like to play as much as me

I am blessed to have friends who share their children with me

I am blessed to have someone to make a scarf for. Someone who wears it proudly knowing it was a gift from the heart

I have so many more pictures of so many more blessings but you'd be here for hours looking at them..

I don't have a recent picture with all 5 of us Ballard kids together but I am blessed to be a Ballard. I love my family!

I am so Thankful for all of my family the Ballards and the Wrights I'd be lost with out you guys.

I am also THANKFUL for my friends who get me through each day...

The people that love me.. Too many to name...

Megan, Jenny, and Holly.. You three mean the world to me thanks for loving me right now through the moodyness and the tears... You guys are my light in this storm.

And most importantly... Thank you GOD for this trial, thank you for this storm. I praise you in the Storm. I know you are carrying me through. I know I am going to be a better person and I know I always have you. I pray that you continue to carry me and protect my loved ones and we continue on this journey called life... Amen..

Middle of the Night Blogs

It's in the middle of the night, and I can't sleep. Normally this would be a problem. However I am at complete peace about this right now. I spent my time praying, reading and continuing to have Faith.

I know I keep saying this, but life can just stink! It hurts! It's not fair! It's horrible to see the people you love in pain. To hear their hearts break. To see them cry. To know that you can't fix it for them! That is ROUGH!

It hurts when you are going through your own battles and darkness. Where lies get into your head and your self worth falls to the ground. Where you've reached your breaking point but no one seems to be around to grab your hand and to hold onto you. It HURTS..

Life Hurts!

What I am learning is that, I can't solve the problems my loved ones are going through, and I can't run from what is hurting me. What I can do is pray. I can pray. I can pray! I can pray! I can have Faith. I can have Faith knowing the Lord My God is taking care of them and me.

Oh he is.. He honestly is.. Even when you don't see it at first. God is there.. He is holding you up. He is loving you! If you are open to loving him.. You have to open your heart. You have to let him. You have to give him the drivers seat. That's the hard part. No one likes to give up that control.

I am giving him the keys.. I am climbing in the back seat and I am going to rest, I am going to let him take control. I am going to let him guide me through life. I don't want the control anymore. It brings too much pain..

I am going to love myself better! I am going to love myself the way God loves me. I am going to love my friends the way God loves them. They are in my life because of him.

I can see God because of a friend. That is amazing! A year and half ago... I didn't know the Lord the way I had always pretended to... I finally let go and Let God and I have been blessed.. I have been so blessed...

I am hurting right now.. It's the honest truth.. I hurt and I am scared, but I am not alone. I have God in my corner and I have the best of friends and family a girl could ever ask for.

God... You are great!

Thank you for giving me the gifts, the lights.. You are just amazing!

Real

This post is the most real honest post, My anxiety level is high! It's so high I can't function.. All I can think about is one thing! I know I gave it to the Lord and I do trust him. I know he's taking care of me, but some days are just hard.. I just need some answers on what to do.. Please PLEASE PLEASE Pray that we get answers soon!

Thank you!

Me

Hearts Desire

I am now officially another year older! I made it! That's a great thing right? It was a fantastic birthday. I can't complain at all. The day was made special by the people I love. I couldn't ask for a better day. My heart and I decided it was the best Birthday EVER! :) Can't wait for next year.

After many hours of thinking and praying, I have finally come to see. I have been given what I have always asked for. I have it. God has given me what I longed for my whole life. It's here right in front of me. Has been for quite awhile and I had yet to see it. I am going through one of the hardest challenges I have ever gone through. It's really testing me emotionally, and spiritually. Some days are just bad bad bad days. I cry. I am emotional, I shut the world out and hide. However I have learned to put my faith in the Lord. I have grown so much closer to him. I can feel him so close. Now I am not saying that even though I am growing closer that some days just don't stink, because they do. But he understands and he lets me cry and he lets me scream. He knows that with in a few minutes I will be in conversation with him. Praying.. Which I am. With all of this he has BLESSED me! I have the most amazing people in my life. I always wanted a huge family growing up. I have one, but I wanted it bigger! I wanted lots of friends! I wanted to feel loved. I wanted people to grow with to learn with. I wanted connections and love.. I wanted to have people I could turn to in a moment of crises. I wanted someone who would just give me a hug and tell me that they loved me.. I have always loved movies, books, TV shows about.... Friends,sisters,family. I love relationships people build with each other. I love seeing all the unique bonds people form.

I never really took the time to stop and look around my own life. God gave me a great family the foundation family the ones that I share blood with... Huge... I have the best siblings and parents in the world. All special to me.

Then God slowly started adding people into my life, people who would become my close friends. My best friends People I couldn't picture my life with out. I have taken them for granted. I didn't even realize that I was getting what my heart desired.

So now I am walking this road and I am looking around and I see the hardships, but I see the light and it is so bright! I see God's work!

I am so excited, that I finally realized the gift that I have been given. Each person in my life is special and dear to me and hand picked by God to be there... You all have such a strong hold on my heart. I will love you all forever.

Lord, I just want to thank you for granting me this walk, this battle and putting each person into my life to help me walk this battle. You really are the powerful almighty knowing God... Amen!

You all inspire me daily!

Thank you for sticking with me even on the dark days where I am an emotional wreck, I know that sometimes I am a lot to handle... When my emotions are off the chart... Some of you know that more then others.. So sorry about those days but THANK YOU!!! Means the world to me!

I love you!

Again I say Thank You Lord for giving me what I have always wanted!

And if you are wondering about the picture... I call it a friendship flower that myself and a God given friend and I made one night while chatting... Its out of straw wrappers and I love it... Thank you Jenn :) I love you and those chats!

I am letting it go! (Again)

Letting go!

I am not good at asking for help. I am not good at saying "Hey, I am hurting right now and I just need to talk." I am not one who can normally just call someone up and have a conversation with them. I know that sounds so funny coming from the queen of emotions. I know I can't hide my emotions well and my eyes and face give away everything! I don't have any control of that or I would totally do a better job. It's why I can never play poker :)

I have a really hard time asking for prayer. Sometimes I can do it. A lot of the times in a text message but it's a start! I struggle with all of this so deeply. I hate the idea of coming across as extra emotional or extra needy or a burden to someone. It's this HUGE rock in my stomach that paralyzes me with fear.

However I have NO problem, at all praying for others. I never mind if someone comes up to me and says "Hey, I am hurting I need your help." Or "Would you pray for me?" I jump in. I would do everything in my power to ease the pain and suffering my friends and family suffer. I would never think of them as a burden!

I don't want to come across as if I don't trust my family and my friends with my stuff. They trust me with theirs. It's not that I don't trust them with anything in my life because I do! It's just that I have a hard time actually voicing what's going through my head.

Give me pen and paper and it all spills out. Last year I had a friend that I wrote actual hand written letters to, and I felt like my personality, my heart, and soul came spilling out. I think she got to know a side of me that I keep locked up.

I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am. I need to embrace myself and let go of my insecurities. God didn't create me to be so insecure or so hard on myself. He didn't create me to stay locked away from the world. He created me to shine! He created me to be his beloved child. I can't do that if I am letting Satan whisper into my ear all my insecurities. I have to stop listening!

This blog has been the hardest one I've ever written. I am really opening myself up. I am admitting that I hide away. My goal from this point on is to start embracing myself a little more. Start letting go. Putting myself out there. I know that sometimes I am going to get hurt, but I also know I will be able to serve the Lord better! Not to mention I'll probably be blessed more in the areas where I help my loved ones. My heart is to always take care and love those in my life but I can' do that, if I am not being honest with myself or with them!

So here is to me learning how to let go.. TO Break out of the tight lock and key that I have put myself into years ago.

2 Years later

Below I am copying and pasting an old blog entry. Actually one of the first blog Entries that I made. I was going through my blogs and re reading them to see where my life has been. I know I said it the other night, that I can use my blogs to help me to learn and grow. Some things are very similar. The situation two years ago was different. It was painful and hard to deal with and hard to understand. I am not going through the exact same battle that I was back then but I am handling what life has given me this time in almost the same way. Reading my own words was an EYE OPENER!! Yes I am still afraid of being abandoned.. So very afraid and yes I am still abandoning God... This time I am praying for everyone in my life, but I am not giving God my own personal problems. I am holding onto them lock and key. I am telling him I trust him with everyone Else's life but not my own. How on earth is that fair to him? How is it fair to anyone? So tonight before I go to bed, I think I am going to have that heart to heart with God and let go. Nothing good is coming from me harboring my fears and doubts...

This.. Right here.. This is why I am doing this blog. Growing. Changing, Loving others and myself in new ways daily.

Blog below.... Explains this one :)

Lots of love!

Sept, 13, 2011

Jacq



Writing in a Storm.
Ever feel abandoned? I am sure you have. I am sure we all have. I know I have many times in my life. I know that my biggest fear in life is being abandoned by the people I hold closest to me. So I know this. I fear this this. Yet I turn around and abandon God. The last two weeks God has been the furthest thing on my mind. How could God abandon Baby Cecil in those last moments? How could God Abandon that innocent little baby? But God did not abandon him. He did not abandon me. He's been here all along. He took Cecil into his arms and cradled him. He gave him love that NONE of us would ever be able to give him. God has not abandoned me. I've turned my back on him. But as I think more clearly I can still hear his voice. It's quieter than normal but it's here. He's waiting for me to turn around and grab onto him. So why is it so hard for me to do that? Why is it so easy to abandon the one that loves me the most?I need to stop running! I need to hear the truth weather it hurts or not. I need to face the facts and grab onto God's hand. I can not abandon the one who loves me the most.Is this a test or a trial? Does it really matter? The out come needs to be the same. God needs to be the center.Reaching out to GOD!

Sept 17th 2009...

Pets Oh Pets

So again if you know me, you know how much I love my cats! I am probably boarding on the crazy cat lady! :) Just kidding. Sort of.. Some times I think as I am sweeping and vacuuming like crazy because all of the pet fur everywhere I can't help think after these two are gone no more. I am not doing this again. I can't even where my favorite black pants with out getting covered in fur! So here I am complaining about them. However they are always here always. They always know when I need a hug. They are always around to snuggle with. They are the most forgiving creatures around. They forgive me when I've lost my temper. They don't hold it against me. They always know how to make me laugh and I am never alone.

Animals aren't easy but to me at the end of the day they are worth everything to me. They are the best priceless gifts.