To my Ballard Siblings

I know I tend to say this a lot, but I don't think I could ever say it too much. I have the worlds best siblings. The first part of our lives we spent together. Growing, playing. bickering, fighting, giggling, laughing, crying.. We spent many hours with our Barbie dolls, many hours playing outside. There were times we found ourselves in big trouble! Thank Goodness we were so cute! We often sat and talked about our futures. We welcomed new siblings to the bunch and loved and cherished them. Those were some pretty amazing times and I am so thankful that have each memory. Those times built a strong bond.

For those of you who don't know my siblings and I all share the same biological dad. However I have a different biological mom. My dad married their mom when I was just a baby. She's my mom too. I love her to pieces. Doesn't matter that biologically I am not hers she has loved me and called me her own child since day one! (Love you mama) That being said. I had two different homes.. One day we moved up to Good old Washington and they moved to Arkansas. Contact was lost. 5 years went by with no contact. Those were the longest five years of my life. I was teenager I really needed my siblings. However one day contact was made. An off chance and Yahoo messenger! We have never lost contact again. We are older now. We know how to be in contact more. Even with all the distance we have and the time we lost we are still very close siblings. The bond of sisters is strong! I could not be more thankful for those crazy Ballard kids that are all now grown...

Samantha- I remember the first time I found I was going to be your big sister. It was the first time I remember seeing our parents and meeting your mom for the first time. She was pregnant with you and I fell in love with the idea of being a big sister. Then I remember seeing you for the first time. You were so little! However I thought you were the coolest thing ever. I also thought you had some pretty awesome toys. However your crying in the back seat next to me. Well sometimes that would get a little old so I would poke you. Only made you cry louder. If I had been older then 4 I would have learned to get ear plugs! As you grew you started following me around and calling me Day Day. Because you couldn't say J.J. I pretended it annoyed me. However I really didn't mind it. I loved playing with you. Honestly I even think fondly on the moments where all we did was fight! Remember the time we had got in trouble and had to spend an hour together on a bed in our bedroom? We ended up playing Barbies. Fun times. Samantha I love you!

Holly- You were the baby I wasn't expecting, I don't remember mom being pregnant with you. I was four and half living my life. Not paying attention. Teasing Sami. However one day you were there and I fell in love with you. You were the cutest baby ever! Big brown eyes. Thumb in your mouth. You too like Samantha drove me nuts with your crying... Holly Bolly was your nick name for awhile. As you grew the more and more I fell in love with you. I have always loved your quiet nature. Your big heart. Your devious nature. You may have the world fooled that you are sweet all the time.. I know you better then that. You are my mini me and one of my best friends in life. I love you!!

Rebecca- I remember the day you were born! I remember the first time I held you! You became my personal baby doll. You and I were never far apart. I wanted to hold you all the time. I wanted to dress you and to play with you. I wanted to make your bottles. I was very hands on with you. So much so that as you grew when I would walk into a room you were instantly on my hip or in my arms. I learned young to tell what you needed what you were thinking what you were saying. I just waned to be with you! It stayed like that until I moved away. You were just a toddler when I moved away. There hasn't be a day since the day you were born that I haven't thought about you. Even with how far away I was. I still loved you and still do! Rebecca Lynn you are an amazing young woman. BEAUTIFUL, Smart, funny creative. I just admire you and I love you!

Jonah- Poor guy, only boy out of four big sisters. How did you ever make it? I remember when mom told me she was going to have you. I prayed you would be a boy. I always wanted a brother. I couldn't have picked a better brother by the way. You are awesome. I know your life I missed out on the most. I hate that we had to grow up so far away. I have always loved you and I am proud of you. I have bragged about you since you were born. After all you are the worlds coolest little brother. You grew up fast Jonah. Way too fast. My favorite memory is playing Nintendo with you when you were about eight. Teaching you all my secrets. You told your friend I was the coolest big sister ever. It just made me wish that I had gotten to grow up with you. However you are probably relieved one less big sister bossing you around. :) I will never understand why our childhoods had to go that way. You are my baby brother and I love you. Always.. Not matter how much time goes by.. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for you. You are the best brother a girl could ask for and I know that your three
other older sisters could agree. I am proud of you Jonah!

The Tantrum is over :)

Busy, so very busy... I can't believe it! We all know I love to house and watch over other peoples animals while they are gone.. It's a good thing I love this because I have just stumbled onto 3 back to back.. Each week a new house and new animals to love on! Blessed.. It makes for a very busy life.. Because I have to make sure that I am still stopping by to see my own two cats. I wouldn't want them to forget who I was. :) Okay they wouldn't.. But I am the crazy cat lady and I need to make sure I see them! Besides house sitting, I am in a play with practices on Sundays and I find time to babysit here and there! I managed to sneak away for a weekend get away to Oregon a few weeks back, that was a trip I will hold in my heart forever. Great memories made and a friendship has grown even stronger. How could it not, when you are in a car with someone for five hours straight! That was one of my favorite parts actually!

SO I am busy, but I have to say I see God working in my life right now. It was a few weeks of quiet and I began to worry, well honestly I was throwing a tantrum like a child and I think he was allowing me to do so. Waiting on me to stand up and re take his hand and listen to him. Which I have. Since that moment I've seen a lot of changes. Changes in my heart, changes in my view of the world and changes in how I view my life. After seeing those I began to see many blessings in each day. I began to see how taken care of and loved I really am. My life isn't fixed that's still a work in progress but some great healing has happened in the last few days. It's been amazing!

A special thanks to those who have stood by me while I was in that tantrum dramatic stage. The love you showed me was amazing and blessed me so deeply.

Love you!

Some Day

Some day when I look back at this time of my life, I am going to miss it. I am going to miss some of what I have, because it will be different. Saying that out loud is shocking. Why? Because there is a lot of challenging moments right now. There is quite a bit of pain. However there really are some really amazing bright spots.. Things I take for granted... It goes back to finding that POJ... If you attend my church you know what that means. The women at my church are so encouraging and wonderful... I haven't even gone on our retreat yet and I am already learning how to unwrap my joy... I seriously can't wait until the retreat happens in a few weeks. I know I am going to walk away with a full happy heart. With memories I'll hold close to my heart and wisdom I'll be able to use in life. So like I said so excited for this up coming retreat! I am counting down the days!! I feel like a little child waiting for Christmas come! The gifts are going to be life changing... I can sense it!

Which brings me back to finding out the little Pops of Joy along the way. Last week, I stood in front of a person I admire and look up too and said... "I sense a breaking down coming." She looked at my with a raised an eyebrow and I had to explain what I was feeling. I was feeling this HEAVY feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was feeling discouraged. I couldn't talk to anyone with out crying. I was feeling intense migraines and I couldn't keep that voice of doubt quiet. I fought it but it got stronger and stronger. The more I fought it the worse I felt... It got to a boiling point where life became a daze. I just went through the motions... Not even sure how I made it to Thursday... Then Thursday came... I finally threw up my arms and stopped fighting it. I cried, I yelled... I finally said "I AM STINKING MAD.. I am mad at life I am Mad Mad MAD! AUGH..."

Then once all those feelings were out... They left. I felt as if a million pounds had been lifted off of me. My stomach settled down and that voice of doubt fled. I praised God for loving me through my tantrum. I praised God for the people who love me and stand by me when I am at that nasty rare form. I praised God for letting me feel those feelings. How will I ever be able to help any other person if I don't feel emotions? I thanked him for walking me through it. I thanked him for allowing me to grow this time in my life. I also made sure to Thank him for allowing me to feel free after that melt down.. So as I was telling my friend earlier that week a melt down was looming, I was more then right. However I needed to have it. I needed to let those nasty toxic feelings OUT of my body and not shove them in deeper.

After this break down I suddenly began to see the POJ's so much clearer in my life. I think it was sitting across from my little bug sipping on smoothies after school people watching. This child is so much like me it's not even funny. I am in her life for a reason, and those simple moments of sharing smoothies and just hanging out will most likely stick with her for life. She's learning from me. I was given a gift to be able to be in her life. I had never been more thankful for anything in my life then really seeing that.

I see that I have people that really love me! They want to spend time with me. They want to get to know me. They want to have lunch with me. They want to go to dinner or see a play. That's such a gift. I am so blessed to have such amazing supportive people in my life. People who when they ask how I am doing? Actually want to know..

I am blessed that I have such a great friend that I can spend five whole hours in a car with her and not run out of things to talk about. To not even feel like five hours just went by. Felt more like two at the most.

I have two of the most amazing Cats... Yes I went there.. I am the crazy cat lady. That love me and want to be near me.

I have church where I can grow stronger in my faith! I am free to be me! I get to learn how to run lights and sounds. I get to watch the Worship team praise and Worship the Mighty Father.. I have mentors and bright lights shining around me all the time there. I hope that I am some day a bright light at my church for others as they are for me.

I have a friends who love to "Re-Arrange my house" Or lick me... Or Poke me... Or Whatever else she feels like doing... Because indeed she LOVES me... She constantly reminds me to have fun in life. You can't be serious all the time.

I have a niece that sells Girl Scout cookies... How cool is that... Cookies in my house yay!!

So many POJ's right now...... Things will be different in ten years from now. I am going to miss some of this time. Though I know wonderful things will be happening then too. Why do I know this? Because I've got God and he's always going to be there and he'll always be carrying me through life then.. Just as he is now...

So as I finish up this blog I have to say.. I am loving finding my Pop of Joy moments through this time... Finding them in the middle of the pain makes the pain feel not so bad. I am learning to acknowledge things.. I am learning to feel and let go.. Rather then stuff down and pretend.

After All in this life.. "My God is SO GREAT... So Strong and So mighty! There is NOTHING My God Can not do!"

And now I must go find some more POJ's.....

I want to be me!

My last few blogs have been focused on the darker times. Finding the Light. All that jazz. So this blog is not about that at all. Yes I have been focused on the harder times because it's all fresh right now. It's easy to do that. However it's not all hard. It's not all dark..

I am getting to know some pretty great people. I have more time so I am able to go spend the afternoon with a friend.

I am able to go to the Tuesday morning Bible Study at my church. This is awesome because I now know more amazing women. Who encourage me all the time!

I get to play with one of the sweetest little girls I know every week. My bug. We are bonding and growing together. I get to be her big sister! As her mom says. That's a gift. It's joy for my heart!

Every week I get to play with the kids in our Awana program. I get to watch them grow. Amazing.

I am learning to run sound at my church! SCARY!! But fun! I have a part in our church play! SOOO much fun!

My life is crazy right now. Super crazy. But I WOULD not trade it for anything. I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me!

In the Dark there is LIGHT

My blogs, are my written words to myself, so that I can remember this time in my life. Part of me wants to block out this past week. I want to forget it ever happened. Pretend it never happened. Skip ahead in time. Go back and get a re-do. However the fact is I have to face it. Remember it and grow from it.

I have to write it down to remind myself in the future of this time period in life. If I focus only on the hardships of the week that I fail to see that vast amount of positives that were there.

Yes, this week held some very painful dark moments. So dark so strong that I wasn't sure I would make it through them. I did.. I didn't do it alone. I couldn't have done it alone. My Faithful loving father was holding me through it all. He showed his love FOR me in written words in the Bible.. In songs sang on the radio and in the arms of a friend who held on just a little bit longer. Looking back at the worst moment... I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was worth the pain. My friendship grew ten times stronger as parts of the protective wall around me crumbled. My appreciation for the written word grew ten times more as I finally UNDERSTOOD... The love of music filled with words of just how much God loves increased! In the dark there is always light.

This week ROCKED my world the emotions and the pain were heavy. Little things I have ignored and pushed away surfaced up all at once and a breaking point happened.. I didn't realize it at the time but I was being prepared for it... A couple of cards from people who love me with words for the heart. Filled with truths! Time with family... Quiet time with God... My faith remained strong and even in the darkest hour I knew that God was there and God was great.

I won't say that everything is all better now. That would be a lie! I am human and I am emotional. I don't understand my life right now. I don't understand all the illness of wonderful people around me. I don't understand tragedy in lives. I do understand that this isn't our forever home and I do understand that one day all the pain and suffering will be gone. One day we will be home! Until then we just have to hold onto what we know is truth. Acknowledge that life HURTS.. However finding the JOY along the way makes it a lot easier to deal with..

My POJ's for the week...

Snuggles with my kitties!

A job interview!

Two amazing bible study discussions

Time with my little bug!

An hour long phone conversation with a big sister!

A weekend adventure with great friends and a wonderful baby

Bridal shower with some great people

Sharing part of my story

Texts with kind words

Emails that could melt your heart

A morning to sleep in

Ice Cream at DQ with the worlds best company

CUBBIES!!

5 mile walk!

A hug from my great friend at the moment where I needed it the most.

A card at the right time!

Those are all the BIG POJ's of the week.. That's A LOT and I could list a thousand more but I won't. It would take all night... There sure are A LOT more positives then negatives... So yes there may have been an EPIC break down in the middle of it all.. But there was EPIC joys!!

I am learning, I am growing.. I am walking.. I am not doing it alone.. This is what it's all about..

So my journey continues!

Thank you to all who make my life so beautiful! You are my lights!

And the biggest Thanks of all... To my awesome God...

My God is So Great! So Strong and So Mighty.. There's Nothing my God can't do! Soooo true!!

Loving One Another...

Last week was a rough week, I was emotionally done! I wasn't sure how I could go on another day. It seemed so very dark! So heavy. I wasn't sure I was going to get through it. Though I was reminded that I was loved.. I was reminded how special I am. How special God created me to be. He loves me! He thinks that I am a princess! How cool is that? Sometimes in the hard moments of life words of wisdom don't always cut it. A direct answer doesn't always cut it. A road map guiding you step by step doesn't always cut it! Sometimes it's the act of someone telling you that they love you! Then it's being reminded that God loves you even more then that! Amazing!

I sometimes shut down when people tell me they love me. I sometimes can't take it. It scares me it's a feeling I don't always know how to handle... How could someone I have only known for a short time actually love me? How could someone who knows me better then most love me? That's lies being told.. It's lies keeping me away from the truths. These people were brought into my life to tell me that they love me. Not just to tell me that they love me. But to actually love me. To actually show me what it is to love. So that I can understand God's love for me. They aren't perfect they will fail me... And I them.. Yet we were created in the image of God. So we do have a drive to love others deeply.. To show it deeply.. If we can love one another that way. Can you imagine how much God loves us? Makes my heart swell thinking about it... So I am going to focus on allowing others to love me. Loving myself. Believing the truths that are out there.. Fighting the lies.

This isn't going to change over night. I know I will have hard days a head.. However I also know that God loves me. John 1:12 I am God's child! Parents love their children.. I am loved! I am also loved by some pretty friends and family. I thank God for them. They are showing me the way.

Thank you to all the people in the last few days that I have told me they loved me.. You have know idea... How much that means to me...

I love you!!

A Journey

The journey continues on.... That's what I am calling this part of my life.. The Journey.. It seems to be the best way to describe it. When I think of a journey I think of a grand adventure! I think of rolling hills beautiful skies. Massive storms and rainbows hung in the sky. Hung just for me!

For in my head a journey has different levels feelings and emotions. That's where I seem to be in life right now.. I constantly have a vast variety of emotions running through me constantly. Some are great joyful emotions of pure happiness and excitement and others are deep and dark, sorrowful and painful.

I want to say that for the most part the happier ones are the ones running through stronger and faster, but it's just not true. The dark ones are the ones running hard and fast. They are the ones that I am fighting tooth and nail.. So I can have glimpses of the brighter ones. The brighter ones are the ones that get me by. They may be short lived but the impact they leave on my heart much out weights the dark ones!

When you are on a journey there comes a point where it becomes dark, so very dark. This is where you need to find the light. So you can get out of the darkened area and find that bright colorful rainbow hung in the sky just for you.

That's what I am doing right now... I am focusing on the lights around me. See God doesn't let you walk in the dark alone. He's there and along the way he's placed bright stars that light up the darkness and help you get through. It's no different in my journey. I have a few bright stars that I focus on... I've also been given a huge flash light.. It has another name by the way. It has the name of The Holy Bible. So between my flash light and my beautiful bright stars, I am making my way through the darker part of my journey. I am looking forward to seeing that rainbow!

So yes I may be struggling right now, struggling more then I have ever struggled in my life but I know in my heart that the outcome is going to be worth it. I may not understand the point of this journey. I may never see why God chose me to go on this particular one with him. What I do know that he is giving me great gifts as I go. Wonderful bright lights are coming into my life!

I never in my life imagined that one day I would get to see so many bright lights.. The path is dark right now, but the shining stars are bright!