18 months of growing...

Finding the words to express my feelings and thoughts are next to impossible right at this moment.  The last nine weeks have been a whirl wind!  Being an emotional person, it’s fair to say there was a lot of up and down emotions.   They were starting to take over!

I started the Freedom in Christ study during this time period and I was still in the time of the waiting.  Waiting is not easy to do.  I’d been playing this waiting game for a year and three months already!  I just needed it to be over!

Thank Goodness I started the Freedom in Christ series in the last few weeks of waiting.  NO it is not a fix all.   I didn’t read a book and wake up cured of all negative thoughts.  Nor did I have all the answers to life.   However what I did have (And it’s not perfected!  Just sayin.)  was a book with tools and a group that supports me!  Couldn’t have come at a better time as we reached the end my emotions were running high and I was honestly starting to lose my positive perspective that I normally try to focus on.   There were many many shed tears in Jenn’s car as I told her.. I was not strong enough to fight this any longer.  Of course her being my friend refused to let me think that way.   She was good at trying to build me up. She spoke truths and held me accountable for my thoughts.  Thankfully for her we are going through this Freedom study too so she had the same tools and was able to remind me of those things too…

The tools are what SCRIPTURE says is true about me.  What God says about me.  Not what I feel about myself.  Sometimes I allow my feelings to take away from the truths. 

Now as I am entering this study it’s focusing on breaking strong holds which means dealing with the past.  Quite frankly I don’t want to deal with the past.  I want to leave it buried and be done.   However if that’s the method I continue to have.. I will never be truly be free..  (Yes still working hard with this one.. So not an overnight fix it)

So painting a pictures lots of emotions all over the place.. Truths being learned and accepted and lots of growing.

Then two weeks ago the waiting period ended!  The battle of which I had been fighting for 18 months was finally over…  I struggle with saying over.  I feel like it deserves so much more than that.   I prepared my heart for the outcome to not be what I wanted.   I was ready to take it as it was.   God wanted to show me just how big he was.  God’s name was g in the end.  The impossible had become possible!   I am just so Thankful that we have such amazing God.  I can’t help but shout praises all day long!  There is so much more I want to say and I will.  I am still working on putting it together.  I just needed to share something now! 

18 months of ups and downs.  I would do this 18 months again and again and again.  Yes I shed a lot of tears.  Yes there were moments that hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe.  However what I gained can not be replaces.  It should not be replaced.  My trust in the Lord is stronger now than ever before!  My needs were met.  I gained some of the best relationships with people that I can’t picture not having in my life.  I am just so in awe right now.   More to come… The journey continues.

A gift...

    Here is a fact about me.  I have a VERY good memory.  Or as I call it a random memory.  I remember things so clearly.  Maybe I hold on to things?   I've never understood why I've had this memory.   I've actually hated it.  It's random.  I can tell you what eye color that I've come into contact with or seen on TV.  I can remember what a person was wearing the last time I saw them.   I can recall conversations from years ago.   Yet I lose my keys daily!  Go figure!   I have memories going back to toddler hood.  I've had people tell me that's not possible.  Though the really early memories are more like flashes of images.  I can't remember exact wording.  I can remember things like a staircase (Probably the one I fell down)  I remember a green vinyl chair stool.  (Probably the one my Grandpa spun me in)  I remember a big fence.   I thought it was the biggest fence in the world.  (My mom has promised me it was actually a normal sized fence.)  I remember a yellow plastic toy piano.  (One I used to make up songs on and sing my heart out to God.   I am sure God thought it was beautiful.  To anyone else, they would have herd banging I am sure)   I remember a blue sweat outfit (It had hearts on it!  WIN)  As I grew the memories grow clearer.  I remember the big move sitting sandwiched between my Grandma and my mom in a truck for YEARS..(days but hey I was 3 and contained it felt like years) .  I remember the first time I was ever left with my dad and my other mama. (I've got the two most awesome mom's in the world!)     I remember the first time I met my sister.  (I also remember flicking her in the back seat when she was crying.  Because I thought that would make her stop.  Sorry Samantha!)   So keep growing and the memories keep adding up.  Playing with Cathy my best friend across the street whom was living with her grandparents at the time.  In fact, I remember the day I met her.   A neighbor Hazel thought it would be fun for Cathy and I to meet being she was only a few years older.  We met on her property and I remember hiding behind Hazels maroon robe at first.  It wasn't long before Cathy and I were running around pretending we were Sharia.    Best friends right away!  My first friend will always hold a spot in my heart that no one can fill.  (Love you Cat... Glad you know how to say Purple now..)    Great memory..

 Of course with the good memories come the DARK memories the ones I don't want.  (Or the ones I thought I didn't want.)   I have many painful memories, graphic painful scary memories that no child should have to remember.  I remember the pain, (Physically and emotionally)   One "Friendly family Friend"  Did a fair share amount of damage for a few years. 

However, with those memories come the memories of God's ever lasting love.  The feeling that God was with me.  I remember this peace.   A peace that I can't explain.  No words what so ever.  However in my darkest moments when tears could not be shed there was a peace.   A sense of love that is Indescribable!!

As I continued to grow the cause of the dark memories disappeared and I quickly pushed those behind me.  So I was not focusing on those memories.  Yet with my memory they never went away.  Just pushed back.

I've had lots of time to make many more memories, some great some not so great.  I've had time to question my sanity.   I've never  quite understood why I have the memory I have.   It's overwhelming and some people say a little strange at all.   Anything can trigger a past memory.  Sense of smell, a look, a fabric swatch, the way someone says my name, a touch.   A sound..  A feeling...  So on and so on..

It's safe to say that I am in a time of healing.  God wants me to heal.  I can feel it..  I sense it.  It's in the words of my friends, it's in what I am finding in my Bible Study, it's what I am finding in my readings.  It's a safe time to heal.    Lots of emotions the last few weeks.  

Friday was a hard day for me.  Yet I was given a gift.  A gift of a memory I HAD actually forgotten about.   When things get to be too much for me, I shut down! (my poor friends that have been stuck with me during shut down mode)    So yesterday in a shut down moment a room turned silent even though it was busy, it almost turned white.  I wasn't going to deal with the cards in front of me.   Yet that peace that I had as a child came over me.  That feeling of God's ever lasting love.     I could hear him whispering to me.  "I am here, I am here, I am here,  Jacqueline, I am here. I love you... I LOVE YOU."   This peace... Filled my heart and just as soon as I started to check out and shut down, reality came back to me and it was over.  I was filled with this peace.   I was quiet for awhile after.  I was trying to grab on to that memory and hold on to it.  I NEVER want to lose that memory again! I will be forever thankful for that moment...   It was a reminder of me being a small child and trusting with my heart and soul in trusting the Lord.

This week I've found myself saying "I don't understand this, why?  Am I nuts?  Why oh why Lord?"  With the questioning came the lies.  Lies the enemy wanted to believe about myself.  It got to be so intense this week that at one point, I was standing in front of a friend who needed me to communicate with her and I had LOUD scary sounding voices coming at me once.  I couldn't focus, I couldn't talk.  (Not much anyways)  I knew I wanted to cry.  I KNEW I wanted to yell "SHUT UP" Really loudly and throw something. Or fall to my knees and cry!  THANKFULLY I managed to refrain myself from doing those things.  I just can't imagine yelling SHUT UP standing right in front of a person I love.   Somehow I managed to communicate with her what I needed her to hear and was able to listen to what she needed.   Though that moment left me numb.   I don't recall a moment being that intense ever.  (In our Freedom in Christ Study we are learning how to defuse lies and strong holds.  It's pretty amazing)  So from the moment I walked away from her that night I went into a numb state.   The lies continued to scream at me.  (She hates you now, she thinks your stupid... All lies by the way.  I know for fact that wasn't the case!)  

Lies continued into the next day at work where I felt it was just best to stay quiet and reflect. I was seriously questioning myself!  I did my job tried to do the best I could with it went to my Study just listened.  Listened to my group, listened to a group of women that encourage me daily.  I went home and prayed and prayed! 

Then the next day (Friday) I was given that gift.  That memory of the peace that I felt as a kid.  Which became a new memory in its self.   It caught my attention and it filled me with peace.   

This time of healing is BIG.  I am excited about it.  I know the enemy wants me to lose faith in myself and question everything.  Stumbling block to keep me from growing and I am not going to let him win!  I have the power to say "NO" To him.  Just realized that few weeks ago.

And I am now considering my memory as a gift.  God gave me the gift of a good memory for a reason.  To recall up things for a reason.   I am making it my goal to use my gift to spread the GOOD WORD of our Heavenly Father to anyone who will listen.     

My memories help make me me, and to God I am a Saint, Adopted into the Kingdom.  God's Princess.  He created me to do Good Work for him..Through HIM

Blessed..  Ready to continue my journey allowing God to keep refining me to me more in his image everyday!

I AM A PRINCESS

Another year, another birthday!   365 days ago my life was at a standstill.  I was literally just hanging on.  I didn’t know if things were going to be okay.  I didn’t know when I could move forward.  I didn’t know how to breathe.   I remember floating through my birthday last year in a fog!  Moment to moment just focusing on breathing!  That’s a birthday I’ll never forget.  Nor will I want to.  It was a day of great faith and great growing.  I just was stuck.

Flash forward to 365 days.  Another Birthday, the weeks leading up to my birthday have been challenging.  VERY EMOTIONAL..   I am in this study course Freedom In Christ.  It’s challenging me.  It’s making me deal with things I’ve never dealt with.  God is saying it’s time to heal.   I am here for you and we are going to heal together.   He’s planted some very special people in my life who are walking beside me during this process.  Holding my hand when I need it, passing me tissues and giving me extra hugs when needed.   That’s fantastic!   So as I take a step back and review this day.  I realize I am a different person then last year. I am no longer stuck!   I’ve grown so much.  My heart has grown more than I ever thought.  My life is going in a direction that I am proud of.  I am discovering more and more all of the gifts that God has given me.  In myself and those around me.   I think my friend Carissa summed it up best at a retreat in March.   I am a Princess, because I am the daughter of the King.   That blows my mind..   That gives me such a sense of peace.  I think at one point all little girls want to be a princess…   And I am!   What a difference a year can make on your viewing point!  

I am so truly wonderful amazingly blessed.

AND if this day wasn’t cool enough I get to share it with my sweet Jenny!    LOVE

Focusing

     Last year at this time I was in this period of waiting, I was in this period of quietness.  Many hours spent alone.    Lots of time to think.    Now life is speeding by and I am finding that I have less time to think.  I am still in a time of waiting.   I am still waiting on an answer.  I know that no matter what the out come is, I will be fine.   In fact I will be stronger...  Wiser.

I stay as focused on the positives as I can.   I love to look at the situations in my life and find the hand of God.  I love to see where he's been walking beside me and where's he been carrying me.  I can not even begin to put into words how much growth has happened this year.  In my heart, in my faith in my relationships.   Those moments where my heart is just breaking... I pull up those memories I have tucked away in my heart from this year.   The ones that are recorded in my joy journal.   I see the why and I say Thank You...   Thank You God for walking with me, carrying me when I can't and showing your love for me through the written words and the special people you've planted in my path..   

So yes, I am thankful for where I am at.  So very thankful for where I am at.  I know that my faith is growing so much... It's really amazing! 

Being thankful doesn't mean there isn't time of pain.  Time of questioning.    The thing I want most in life is to use my past and the things I've gone through to show God's glory.  I've gone through some very dark situations that were painful and scary.    I didn't go through those times alone.  I had God's hand in mine my entire life...   

If I can show the light of God through my life.. Through my story then that's what it's all about!  I myself have learned so many valuable life lessons... Lessons that helped me grow in my faith and in myself.    I pray that God uses me to touch the hearts of those around me.  That's what means the most to me in life.     

If I want to be used by God, I've got to let him more.  Sounds funny right?  Here I am saying he's walked with me my whole life and now I am saying I've got to let him in?    Yes he's walked with me.   However the world around me has gotten to me.  My own flesh insecurities have gotten to me.   The enemy has gotten to me.   I've found myself in rut where my thoughts have been focused on lies I've chosen to believe.   Lies that I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough.  I am not nice enough.  I am annoying.  I am broken.  I am not helpful.  No one actually likes me.  My emotions are too much for anyone to handle.   I am crazy.  I am mean.... The self destructive lies that have put up barrier between God and I.   With these lies I started to believe God was always angry with me.   I was always disappointing him.   I've failed him.   I've pushed him one to many times and he's going to leave me.     I am in the process of working through these lies.   Figuring out where they've come.  How am I letting them control me and how I can break free of them.    I know that through GOD all things are possible and believing in him and working with him.  I will break through these things, but I also know that it's not going to happen over night.  I have 28 years of thinking certain things to break free from and re train myself.

This is the current road I am on...  Learning new things, growing, waiting and keeping my FOCUS upward.  Remembering that no matter what, I am not alone and I am very loved by God....  It's all so confusing right now but it's worth working through..

Goodbye August!

        It's come and gone!  August 2012 is officially over! (PRAISE TO GOD)  For those who know me really well knew that I was dreading this month.   This month I had to face something that I just did not want to face.   So there fore it left a dark cloud hanging over my head.   I knew going into this month it was going to be challenging and I knew there would be days that I would be just a hot mess.  That was correct.  There were several days that were difficult and that I was just broken down.   I was never alone though.   I had constant love and support from those the closet to me.  Planted directly in my life by God.  He knew exactly who I needed this month..  Who would hold my hand when I was scared, who would crack jokes when I need a laugh.  Who wouldn't let me shut down on myself and everyone around me when that's all I wanted.  I was blessed in that way.

I have to say that August had it's hard moments like I knew it would, but August had it's wonderful, special rare moments!  I was so greatly blessed this month.   Provided for and taken care of.   So much joy was planted just for me this month.  I am blessed that through the last year I was taught to have an eye for joy.

My joys were amazing and filled so much love.  My heart is seriously full right now.  This month I had old friends come into town.  We went sailing and remembered good times.  It's been years since the gang was together..  Talk about wonderful old memories relived and new ones made.

There was also an epic Zip line adventure... Nothing like zipping through the trees.  (Though my favorite part was just the company... Love those strong faithful women.... Love...)

I also got a message when I was least expecting it that my BECKA was coming into town with her four wonderful girls.   She's played a major role in my life in the past several years.  Taught me a pretty important lesson in life and has loved me unconditionally.  Though our communication has always been through phone calls, mail, facebook, texts and email!   On one of the hardest days ever she was in town and she wanted to spend time with me!!  The much needed hug by a special friend... GIFT... Gift from God.. I don't believe in coincidences.  I know with all of my heart that God allowed her vacation time to be at the very same week I needed a little extra encouragement and joy....    (Hey Becka.... This is just for you...   I LOVE YOU!!  Thanks for that.)

Friends that became family reunited

So to sum it yes there was some hard moments, some very dark moments but the joy far out ways the hard.  This month is seriously going to live in my heart forever.   Pictures are great but the memories made will live on in my heart forever!

Adventures or coffee it's always a joy!

This little man always makes me laugh

Best Zip line crew ever! Love you all!

I got a little Hope!

A little Grace, Faith,Joy and Hope.. LOVE

My sweet Becka and Joy.  (You mean the world to me)

(Jenn, your friendship is seriously the biggest pop of joy all the time.   You never let me give up when I wanted.  You loved me through my hot mess moments.  Held my hand through the tears.  Laughed when I needed to laugh.  Zipped over trees with me and just listened.... Love you)

August

August is approaching and it's approaching fast!   My stomach is crazy right now!  I have never wanted a month to come and go so much. I just want it OVER!!!  This month is going to hold many new things.  Many challenging things.   I am going to just have Faith...  Having Faith isn't always easy.  In fact it's probably one of the toughest things to do is have Faith.   So I am examining my life closely right now.   God has brought me out of one of the scariest times in my life.  He's made me stronger and he answered my prayers in ways I never expected!   I spot him daily in my life.   My job which isn't exactly new anymore, is by far one of the biggest blessings God's given me.   Logos Bible Software is a dream job!   I am surrounded by the most amazing people.  I can't tell you how many of them encourage me daily!  It's just a fun place to work!  Not to mention I get to grow in my faith and I have this at my finger tips.  https://faithlife.com/fsb I have it on my iPad and iPhone it's so nice to have right there with me!   So I see this blessing... I live this blessing every single day.  

I also have the biggest support teams ever.  I have people in my life who love me.  They love me for me.  They take me just as I am, even if sometimes its over emotional, insecure, quiet, or crazy.  They are just there and I couldn't be more thankful!

I am really blessed!!  I know this!  I see this..  I believe this!   Though I am human and my heart hurts sometimes.   I get scared sometimes.   Right this very second I am terrified!  I have no control what happens this month.   I just have to pray that my future is in God's hands and he's going to be with me through each day.  Even when this month is over he's going to be with me.  If things don't turn out the way I want them to, God's undying love will still be mine.  I will still be blessed to be working for Logos Bible Software.  That it's self is an open door!  I will still have my friends and my family...  At this end of this month no matter what happens I will be a stronger person and my Faith will be intact.   That I know to be true!

Also at the end of this month I will have completed a life long dream.. I will have gone Ziplining with some of the coolest people I know.   

Yes, I am still nervous, I may be a hot mess this month but I know that I will make it through, and I won't be doing it alone!

Thanks to all my friends and family who are with me right now!  Love you all!

God's blessed me!

Faithlife

Last year at this time I was checking into Logos Bible Software.  I had known some people that had worked for this company and herd nothing but great things.   I remember thinking to myself.  How I would love to work there.   However I had a job.  I had a job I loved.  I was working at a Christian Daycare as a preschool teacher.   I was getting to share my love for the Lord with small children.  I thought I’d stay at this job forever.  I was not willing to venture out of my comfort zone.  God had bigger plans for me.   I know that he planted that seed in my heart about wanting to find out about Logos.   He was preparing my heart for the journey to come.

After a rough few months God held my hand and kept me strong as I learned to fully rely on him.  My world had crashed down around me and I was given two choices.   Stand with my eyes cast upon our heavenly Father or run away.  Run away from everyone and everything that mattered.  Fall into a deep dark depression that could have led to dark places.   I picked to keep my eyes on our father and rely on him.  It wasn’t easy.  There was a lot of pain and there were some dark moments.   However my faith grew.  I have never been so thankful for a hardship like I am for this.

God led me to Logos Bible Software!  He opened the door for me to work in another amazing Christian environment.  I get to be part of such an amazing company and I get to keep growing!

Which brings me to Faithlife Study Bible, It amazing!  I have always been one who struggles with reading my Bible.  If I don’t understand it I give up.   I know it’s wrong.   I am working on that.  However with the Faithlife Study Bible I can read my bible, and there are detailed notes right below that explains things.  That help me understand what I am reading.  Not to mention pictures and videos!  It’s amazing.   I can’t enough of it.  It is the coolest program I have used.  Not only can I use it on the computer but on my iPad too.  In church I can type the verse in that Pastor Phil has just said and see notes that go along with it.

I am also the kind of girl that might need a little bit of pushing.  Someone to help me stay accountable, Faithlife has a media side too.  So you can join groups.   So my amazing friend who I do a bible study with have our own little group.  Just the two of us.  We can write to each other what we’ve found.  Ask questions.  Leave notes.  Knowing it will all be safe.   I’ve also joined other groups that are public.  I am learning so much.   I seriously can’t get enough of the Faithlife Study Bible.  

 I never dreamed that when I had that first thought of liking Logos that my path would lead me to this great company.   Where I could work and grow.  Where I could watch the Faithlife Study Bible launch and learn to use it in my daily life!

I seriously recommend everyone to check out Faithlife Study Bible and everything else out Logos puts out.  Everything is fantastic!  I am just so amazed by everything!

God is pretty amazing! 

www.faithlife.com

 

http://faithlifewomen.com/  (Ladies this is just amazing!  A place just for us!!)