Oh my 2011

I was very excited about 2011, I knew it would be a big year. I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that 2011 was going to be huge. I can honestly say that I am thankful for 2011 but I am kind of happy to see it ending.

Funny how we judge everything in time frames. I think it helps us cope with the world. Gives us something to look forward to and in some ways to close a chapter of our lives that we want to move on from.

I am closing 2011 and I am going to welcome 2012 with open arms and a open heart.

Right now I am still walking in the battles of 2011 which seem to over shadow the whole year. It's harder to sit down and write out exactly what amazing things have happened in 2011. Which means it was super important to do that. I had to find the wonderful parts of 2011.

Then I started thinking and thinking and so many things popped out at me.

2011....

I went on 2 vacations this year! Saw my wonderful family in both Nevada and Arkansas. Both vacations included my wonderful younger sister Holly. I love my siblings and any chance I get with them is always wonderful. My sister Holly and I so close in life because we are so very much alike. I don't have to explain my thinking to her. She just knows usually because it's the way she's thinking. Or she's been there. Or she's going through it at the same time as me. We are so much alike and that in it's self is a gift.

I also got to spend time with my younger brother and sister Becca and Jonah they've grown so much. I've missed out on a lot of their lives and I will forever be sad about that. However seeing them grown. Talking to them. I am so very proud of them. I am so blessed to be their eldest sister. God was great giving me this family.

Spending time with other mom and my dad and Grandma Barbara was wonderful too. I always come back with so much love and knowledge in my heart from spending time with my other mom. She's one of my biggest role models in life. I only hope that some day I can be a little bit more like her. I am still like a child around her. I am always amazed at everything she does. The love she has for us. Melts my heart.

The bummer was I missed seeing my sister Samantha this trip. She's off being a married women living her own life. I am so proud of her. She also is giving me the best gift ever. A new niece or nephew in 2012... Yay! I love being an auntie!

In Nevada my sister and I were very busy running around spending time with grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins. We never slowed down. We were shown so much love in the time we were there. Memories that I will hold in my heart forever! I can't wait until we get to do that again!

My friends have continued to be the most amazing people ever. Supportive and loving. I have gotten to watch my friend Jamie's son grow from an infant to a toddler in one year. I have gotten to hold him and love him. I am so thankful to be a part of his life.

A whole year of memories of beach trips, lunches. walks.. Sunday afternoon knitting sessions. Heart to heart talks. Plus the talks that leave you in tears while you've been laughing so hard. That's what I remember about 2011 with my group of friends... Thank you! Megan, you are my rock a lot of the times. You always know how to make me laugh when I want to cry. 2011 has just made that stronger... I love ya!

I also this year anxiously awaited the arrival of a friend that made her way into my heart in the course of a year. Snail mail.. Snail mail gave me the gift of a friend that now I can't even picture living my life with out. Pen pals really do connect people in a whole other way. I feel that you really get to know someone in letters. I will always openly admit that I would not have this friend if it weren't for God. God knew that I was going to need someone like her during 2011 so he spent 2010 connecting us. Helping us each grow in a new way. Now she's back and our friendship is huge. That is one of my biggest gifts of 2011... We were also blessed and born on the same day.. So not only do we get to share a super wonderful friendship we get to share a day to celebrate our lives. Cool huh? I love it.. I love her and her family that I am getting to know more and more each day!

I saw some people I love go through the loss of loved ones. Mothers, fathers, and brothers,. That broke my heart to pieces. I wasn't able to bring them the comfort I would have loved to give them. I had to watch and pray from the sidelines. Telling them how much I loved them and how much I was praying for them. My heart still aches for them and they are still in my prayers. This also reminded to make sure you tell your loved ones every day how much you love them. It's so very important!

My own family has had some hard times this year and we are all torn apart living in different situations. However we spent Christmas together and I felt that my family was on the way to healing. It was the best Christmas we've ever had. My sister Candice is happy and engaged! I will have another wonderful brother in law and a new niece to love. Jamie is happy. That's all I've ever wanted.

My parents are working on their lives and are striving to fix what is broken and are growing. I am still learning a lot from them. I am so blessed to have them in my life. They take such good care of me. They don't bat an eye when I need something. This is my hard time in life and they are behind me rooting for me. Thanks mom and dad. You guys are my world.

I could go on for hours about how many blessings 2011 has brought but I think it might get boring. So know that I see my blessings in my harder times. I am so very thankful for what 2011 and has taught me.

Alright 2012 how can you top 2011?

Don't Give In...I am not...

I believe we all have voices that attack us when we are down. Now I am not saying we are crazy just because we hear them. What I am talking about is that voice inside your head that weighs heavily on your heart and it tells you aren't good enough. You'll never be good enough.

I've struggled with this voice for years. It hangs around every day but is so much louder in times of hardship. If you allow it to get to you it bogs you down. It puts you in a funk it makes your heart to the point you thinks its going to break into a million pieces.

I am guilty of letting that voice get to me the last few days. I let it control me. I let it tell me the people that love me don't. I let it tell me that I am just not going to make it and I am not going to be ok. Then I start to shut down. I shut out the people that mean the most to me. I hide away and I hurt.

What good is that doing me? Why do I listen to that voice tell me that my friends and family can't love me. No I am not perfect and I have my flaws. My family love me even knowing this and I love them knowing they aren't perfect and i don't expect them to be. So why do I think that they can't love me?

I am the one that ends up suffering even more. I didn't give them a chance to help me.

I am taking an active step to not let that voice get to me. When I stopped and asked for help. When I showed my pain to someone that loved me. They didn't judge me. They were honest with me. They didn't put me down. Yes they told me some things that were hard to hear but I needed to hear. It give me a clear view. Helped me push the voice outside of my head.

The voice is still here but I am not letting it control me. When I hear it. When I feel my heart to start to get heavy. I close my eyes. Picture myself being as upset as this past few days and pray to God to help me be stronger. Help me to not feel that pain. I remember the words of wisdom I was given.

I take a minute and see all my blessings and I open my eyes and the voice is gone and I am stronger.

Life is NEVER going to be easy. Never EVER going to be easy.

However I refuse to let that little voice control my life.

I refuse to shut the people out of my life that love me. I will not be alone.

I will never abandon them so I can't think they will abandon me.

My God is So Great! So Strong and SO mighty! There isn't nothing my God can't do... It's a song we sing with our cubbies and it's been stuck in my head for days.. It's true my God gave me this life and My God gave me my group of people that love me... There is nothing My God Can't help me out of...

Becoming a Stronger me.. One day at a time!

Love you all!

My heart hurts

God is wonderful, I know it. I feel it. I believe it. I know that there is a plan for me. I know that things are going to be okay. I know I am going to look back at this time period in my life in a few years from now and see it so clearly. However right this very second my heart HURTS... I can't function. My brain knows the logic my heart has yet to catch up. I am being honest and truthful right now. I am hurt and I am scared and I feel slightly alone. I know I am not. I have so many people that love me. That's been shown to me each day. I am blessed. However in the quiet moments of the day I just sometimes feel alone. It's hard.

I am not good at asking for help. I am not at honestly letting people know how I am feeling. I am good with saying. "I'll be fine.. I am fine. It's okay." Well here I am saying out loud I am not okay. Not at all. I am hurting. Though I am going to stop trying to hide my pain from the ones I love and I am going to ask for help. That's my goal this weekend. I am going to admit I need a hug. I am going to admit that I need some time with the people that build me up the most. They keep me going and remind me how good God is to me. They are here because of God.

I am going to be just fine in the end, I am going to be a stronger person. I know it!

Here's a little glimpse of why I know that I live a very blessed life!

I am blessed to have sisters! I am blessed to be as close to Holly as I am. Life would be boring with out my siblings!

I am blessed to have friends who like to play as much as me

I am blessed to have friends who share their children with me

I am blessed to have someone to make a scarf for. Someone who wears it proudly knowing it was a gift from the heart

I have so many more pictures of so many more blessings but you'd be here for hours looking at them..

I don't have a recent picture with all 5 of us Ballard kids together but I am blessed to be a Ballard. I love my family!

I am so Thankful for all of my family the Ballards and the Wrights I'd be lost with out you guys.

I am also THANKFUL for my friends who get me through each day...

The people that love me.. Too many to name...

Megan, Jenny, and Holly.. You three mean the world to me thanks for loving me right now through the moodyness and the tears... You guys are my light in this storm.

And most importantly... Thank you GOD for this trial, thank you for this storm. I praise you in the Storm. I know you are carrying me through. I know I am going to be a better person and I know I always have you. I pray that you continue to carry me and protect my loved ones and we continue on this journey called life... Amen..

Middle of the Night Blogs

It's in the middle of the night, and I can't sleep. Normally this would be a problem. However I am at complete peace about this right now. I spent my time praying, reading and continuing to have Faith.

I know I keep saying this, but life can just stink! It hurts! It's not fair! It's horrible to see the people you love in pain. To hear their hearts break. To see them cry. To know that you can't fix it for them! That is ROUGH!

It hurts when you are going through your own battles and darkness. Where lies get into your head and your self worth falls to the ground. Where you've reached your breaking point but no one seems to be around to grab your hand and to hold onto you. It HURTS..

Life Hurts!

What I am learning is that, I can't solve the problems my loved ones are going through, and I can't run from what is hurting me. What I can do is pray. I can pray. I can pray! I can pray! I can have Faith. I can have Faith knowing the Lord My God is taking care of them and me.

Oh he is.. He honestly is.. Even when you don't see it at first. God is there.. He is holding you up. He is loving you! If you are open to loving him.. You have to open your heart. You have to let him. You have to give him the drivers seat. That's the hard part. No one likes to give up that control.

I am giving him the keys.. I am climbing in the back seat and I am going to rest, I am going to let him take control. I am going to let him guide me through life. I don't want the control anymore. It brings too much pain..

I am going to love myself better! I am going to love myself the way God loves me. I am going to love my friends the way God loves them. They are in my life because of him.

I can see God because of a friend. That is amazing! A year and half ago... I didn't know the Lord the way I had always pretended to... I finally let go and Let God and I have been blessed.. I have been so blessed...

I am hurting right now.. It's the honest truth.. I hurt and I am scared, but I am not alone. I have God in my corner and I have the best of friends and family a girl could ever ask for.

God... You are great!

Thank you for giving me the gifts, the lights.. You are just amazing!

Real

This post is the most real honest post, My anxiety level is high! It's so high I can't function.. All I can think about is one thing! I know I gave it to the Lord and I do trust him. I know he's taking care of me, but some days are just hard.. I just need some answers on what to do.. Please PLEASE PLEASE Pray that we get answers soon!

Thank you!

Me

Hearts Desire

I am now officially another year older! I made it! That's a great thing right? It was a fantastic birthday. I can't complain at all. The day was made special by the people I love. I couldn't ask for a better day. My heart and I decided it was the best Birthday EVER! :) Can't wait for next year.

After many hours of thinking and praying, I have finally come to see. I have been given what I have always asked for. I have it. God has given me what I longed for my whole life. It's here right in front of me. Has been for quite awhile and I had yet to see it. I am going through one of the hardest challenges I have ever gone through. It's really testing me emotionally, and spiritually. Some days are just bad bad bad days. I cry. I am emotional, I shut the world out and hide. However I have learned to put my faith in the Lord. I have grown so much closer to him. I can feel him so close. Now I am not saying that even though I am growing closer that some days just don't stink, because they do. But he understands and he lets me cry and he lets me scream. He knows that with in a few minutes I will be in conversation with him. Praying.. Which I am. With all of this he has BLESSED me! I have the most amazing people in my life. I always wanted a huge family growing up. I have one, but I wanted it bigger! I wanted lots of friends! I wanted to feel loved. I wanted people to grow with to learn with. I wanted connections and love.. I wanted to have people I could turn to in a moment of crises. I wanted someone who would just give me a hug and tell me that they loved me.. I have always loved movies, books, TV shows about.... Friends,sisters,family. I love relationships people build with each other. I love seeing all the unique bonds people form.

I never really took the time to stop and look around my own life. God gave me a great family the foundation family the ones that I share blood with... Huge... I have the best siblings and parents in the world. All special to me.

Then God slowly started adding people into my life, people who would become my close friends. My best friends People I couldn't picture my life with out. I have taken them for granted. I didn't even realize that I was getting what my heart desired.

So now I am walking this road and I am looking around and I see the hardships, but I see the light and it is so bright! I see God's work!

I am so excited, that I finally realized the gift that I have been given. Each person in my life is special and dear to me and hand picked by God to be there... You all have such a strong hold on my heart. I will love you all forever.

Lord, I just want to thank you for granting me this walk, this battle and putting each person into my life to help me walk this battle. You really are the powerful almighty knowing God... Amen!

You all inspire me daily!

Thank you for sticking with me even on the dark days where I am an emotional wreck, I know that sometimes I am a lot to handle... When my emotions are off the chart... Some of you know that more then others.. So sorry about those days but THANK YOU!!! Means the world to me!

I love you!

Again I say Thank You Lord for giving me what I have always wanted!

And if you are wondering about the picture... I call it a friendship flower that myself and a God given friend and I made one night while chatting... Its out of straw wrappers and I love it... Thank you Jenn :) I love you and those chats!

I am letting it go! (Again)

Letting go!

I am not good at asking for help. I am not good at saying "Hey, I am hurting right now and I just need to talk." I am not one who can normally just call someone up and have a conversation with them. I know that sounds so funny coming from the queen of emotions. I know I can't hide my emotions well and my eyes and face give away everything! I don't have any control of that or I would totally do a better job. It's why I can never play poker :)

I have a really hard time asking for prayer. Sometimes I can do it. A lot of the times in a text message but it's a start! I struggle with all of this so deeply. I hate the idea of coming across as extra emotional or extra needy or a burden to someone. It's this HUGE rock in my stomach that paralyzes me with fear.

However I have NO problem, at all praying for others. I never mind if someone comes up to me and says "Hey, I am hurting I need your help." Or "Would you pray for me?" I jump in. I would do everything in my power to ease the pain and suffering my friends and family suffer. I would never think of them as a burden!

I don't want to come across as if I don't trust my family and my friends with my stuff. They trust me with theirs. It's not that I don't trust them with anything in my life because I do! It's just that I have a hard time actually voicing what's going through my head.

Give me pen and paper and it all spills out. Last year I had a friend that I wrote actual hand written letters to, and I felt like my personality, my heart, and soul came spilling out. I think she got to know a side of me that I keep locked up.

I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am. I need to embrace myself and let go of my insecurities. God didn't create me to be so insecure or so hard on myself. He didn't create me to stay locked away from the world. He created me to shine! He created me to be his beloved child. I can't do that if I am letting Satan whisper into my ear all my insecurities. I have to stop listening!

This blog has been the hardest one I've ever written. I am really opening myself up. I am admitting that I hide away. My goal from this point on is to start embracing myself a little more. Start letting go. Putting myself out there. I know that sometimes I am going to get hurt, but I also know I will be able to serve the Lord better! Not to mention I'll probably be blessed more in the areas where I help my loved ones. My heart is to always take care and love those in my life but I can' do that, if I am not being honest with myself or with them!

So here is to me learning how to let go.. TO Break out of the tight lock and key that I have put myself into years ago.

2 Years later

Below I am copying and pasting an old blog entry. Actually one of the first blog Entries that I made. I was going through my blogs and re reading them to see where my life has been. I know I said it the other night, that I can use my blogs to help me to learn and grow. Some things are very similar. The situation two years ago was different. It was painful and hard to deal with and hard to understand. I am not going through the exact same battle that I was back then but I am handling what life has given me this time in almost the same way. Reading my own words was an EYE OPENER!! Yes I am still afraid of being abandoned.. So very afraid and yes I am still abandoning God... This time I am praying for everyone in my life, but I am not giving God my own personal problems. I am holding onto them lock and key. I am telling him I trust him with everyone Else's life but not my own. How on earth is that fair to him? How is it fair to anyone? So tonight before I go to bed, I think I am going to have that heart to heart with God and let go. Nothing good is coming from me harboring my fears and doubts...

This.. Right here.. This is why I am doing this blog. Growing. Changing, Loving others and myself in new ways daily.

Blog below.... Explains this one :)

Lots of love!

Sept, 13, 2011

Jacq



Writing in a Storm.
Ever feel abandoned? I am sure you have. I am sure we all have. I know I have many times in my life. I know that my biggest fear in life is being abandoned by the people I hold closest to me. So I know this. I fear this this. Yet I turn around and abandon God. The last two weeks God has been the furthest thing on my mind. How could God abandon Baby Cecil in those last moments? How could God Abandon that innocent little baby? But God did not abandon him. He did not abandon me. He's been here all along. He took Cecil into his arms and cradled him. He gave him love that NONE of us would ever be able to give him. God has not abandoned me. I've turned my back on him. But as I think more clearly I can still hear his voice. It's quieter than normal but it's here. He's waiting for me to turn around and grab onto him. So why is it so hard for me to do that? Why is it so easy to abandon the one that loves me the most?I need to stop running! I need to hear the truth weather it hurts or not. I need to face the facts and grab onto God's hand. I can not abandon the one who loves me the most.Is this a test or a trial? Does it really matter? The out come needs to be the same. God needs to be the center.Reaching out to GOD!

Sept 17th 2009...

Pets Oh Pets

So again if you know me, you know how much I love my cats! I am probably boarding on the crazy cat lady! :) Just kidding. Sort of.. Some times I think as I am sweeping and vacuuming like crazy because all of the pet fur everywhere I can't help think after these two are gone no more. I am not doing this again. I can't even where my favorite black pants with out getting covered in fur! So here I am complaining about them. However they are always here always. They always know when I need a hug. They are always around to snuggle with. They are the most forgiving creatures around. They forgive me when I've lost my temper. They don't hold it against me. They always know how to make me laugh and I am never alone.

Animals aren't easy but to me at the end of the day they are worth everything to me. They are the best priceless gifts.

Blogging Continues

3 Blogs in 3 days!! Can you believe it? I know it's amazing. That never happens! However I have decided that I love blogging. I enjoy blogging. It's a way for me to sort out my thoughts and get a perspective on my life. If I can bring some words of wisdom to others or give them a good laugh that's an added bonus! To me my blog is a record of my life and if I look back on it I can see where was I was mentally. I can remember what brought me joy and what was a bit harder. I might even be able to use my own words to help me with the current situation. Sometimes you don't realize that you are going through an almost similar battle in a different disguise.I have to remember I am doing these blogs for me with the hopes that they'll reach other people as well.So check back soon I'll be doing a lot of blogging in the next few weeks. I have alot to say that I can't always voice.:)

The picture above always reminds me of a happy carefree time. It's a joy filled picture :) God is great!

Who am I trying to please?

I am a people pleaser! I will admit it. Anyone who knows me well knows, I always put others first. I do anything I can to bring a smile to the faces of the people I love. That brings me joy! I love helping out. I love going the extra mile. I thrive off of making someone's day easier. So that being said.. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of letting them down. I am afraid of disappointing them. Or ruining my friendship.

However, what's the chances of that really happening? What's the chance of them not caring about me anymore because I couldn't give them a ride to Walmart. (That's just an example) If I lose a friend because I couldn't help them out. Were they really a good friend to begin with?

What I have to work on right now is not worrying about what others think. I have to know that my friends and family love me for me. Not for what I can do for them. Not that I am saying I should stop trying to help out. Trying to make their lives easier. Hey that's who I am and it brings me joy. If it felt like a chore then I would have to reconsider. I have to work on not judging myself so harshly. That's going to be a huge battle for me. But it's one I think I am ready for!

This hasn't been the easiest few weeks of my life, and there have been a lot of mountains to climb. However I am looking at this challenge in a way to grown and change and be a better person when it's all over.

Here's one area that I am going to work extra hard on.

Wish me luck :)

Finding The Fun

This picture just always makes me smile. No matter how many times I've seen it. It makes me smile. It was taken when Monaco was just a baby. My mom was playing around with her and we managed to get this picture. She's showing her inner Diva side. Or even a better way of looking at it. She's having fun in life. I am fully aware that sometimes life is serious. Sometimes it hard. However what I have discovered the past few weeks there is a time to let go. Step out of your comfort zone and have fun! Find things that make you laugh. Find things that bring your heart joy. I am going to take my own advice and the next few weeks. I am going to look for the fun. I am going to enjoy what I have been given. I am going to let my inner fun side out. She's been hiding for way too long!

LIVE LAUGH LOVE

Coming Up From The Rock Bottom

I wish you could really see how high this little rock mountain is. The picture would be more impressive. However I took it with my cell phone so this the best I could get.

When I saw this flower growing in this piles of rocks it spoke to me. That flower had a pretty tough life growing through heavy rocks to come out on top and beautiful.

I am going to admit right here right now. I am scared to death right now. I don't like the unknown. My life seems to be in the unknown point. I have been feeling like I can't find my purpose right now. Anyone who really knows me knows that I HATE CHANGE. I can't stand it. It scares me, it makes me angry. Makes me sad. I don't deal well with it. So of course right now I have the unknown and changes going on. Double attack like I was buried under a million pounds of heavy boulders. I didn't think I'd ever see the sun again. Okay that may be a bit dramatic, but I am sticking with the theme of my picture. You get the point. Nothing was going how I would like it to go.

I don't know how any thing is going to turn out. I am still in the unknown and I am still in the world of changes. However what I do know, is that I am being taken care of. Opportunities are popping up all over the place. I just might not have seen them. If my life wasn't going this way. Or really appreciate the love my friends and family have to offer. It seems that when ever I fall into the darkest hour of the day. God will speak to me through a friend. It never fails when I get that lost I will get a random email, call from my sister or a text message from a great friend that simply says "I LOVE YOU" Wow powerful... God is using them to speak to me and my heart. He's saying it's okay Jacqueline, I have you. I am not going to let you stay buried. I am going to hold your hand and we are going to push up and make our way out from under those boulders.

I know that in the end of this, when I finally get all the way up, I am going to be a stronger better person. Like that beautiful flower.

My advice to you, right now. When the world is crumbling down on top of you. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and listen. Really listen. You'll hear God in the voices of your loved one. You'll see him in the beauty of the earth. Little by little your heart will start to heal. Not every day is going to be easy. Some days are just going to be HARD rock hard for that matter. You'll get through it if you trust in the Lord and in yourself!

LIVE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST! TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE, YOU LOVE THEM! PRAISE THE LORD FOR ALL THE GLORY HE'S GIVEN YOU!

That's my wish dreams and hopes for you all.

Loving you from Jacqui's space!

I LOVE YOU! And Me!

I LOVE YOU!

Pretty powerful little sentence there right? Those three words can fill a person's heart with more joy then one could imagine. Funny is in my past saying those three words would send me into a fit of panic. I don't know when exactly I became afraid of those words. I have never been scared of telling my mother that I loved her. It's something I grew up saying and believing with my whole heart. I knew she loved me as much as I loved her and that I was safe. I knew she'd never reject or turn her back to me.

Over the past few years I've really learned a lot from the I Love Yous. There is NOTHING like hearing the voice of a small child looking up at you saying the words "I LOVE YOU" Talk about heart melting moments. So when did I become so afraid of it? I guess I'll never really know the answer to that.

Hearing the voice of a friend say "I love you" Used to make me cry. I didn't feel like I was worthy enough of their friendship or love. However God says we aren't to judge others. So I tried my best to not judge others. What I failed on was judging myself. God loves me and once I learned to say it to God, I learned to say it to my friends and my family. Not loving them was never my problem. My problem was I judged myself to harshly and I wasn't allowing God to love me the way he wanted to. Once I opened my heart to him, and realized that I was his child and that he wasn't going to reject me, I became a stronger person. One who could give MORE of my heart, to my family and friends. That’s when I was also able to fully understand and appreciate the love that they had for me. When they tell me they love me they just aren’t saying it. They mean it , and those are the memories I hold inside forever.

I am not a perfect person by any means, and I still struggle with my image daily. I am constantly working on loving myself. Some days are just harder then others. However I find that if I pray and I end my prayer saying “I Love You God” It becomes a little easier. After all I was made in his image. He loves me. He’s given me people who love me. SO why can’t I love myself? He also gave me a big heart to love others! I want to take that gift and use it correctly. Which means I have to love myself too.

PS. Now hearing the voice of a friend say “I love you to me” Still can make me cry, but only because I am a sap and heart filled moments are my favorite!

New Out Look

I am pulling myself together and finding a new out look on life, my life has never been easy I've never had things handed to me nothing has ever come to easy to me. It's easy to fall into a pity party when you think about it. I am guilty of doing that from time to time. Hey I am an emotional girl, it happens! :)

However I look back at my life and I mean I really look back and no it's not been easy. It's not been fair, but do you know what I've always had? God, I've always known he's there. I've always had someone to talk to and even now when things are rough and sometimes I want to say he's gone he's not. I know he's not, because he's providing for me. Just like he always has. Another thing I've always had through out my life is a good core group of people who love me. A mother who would die for me, a grandmother who treated me like a princess always putting me first. A father who gave me the gift of family a step mother who I don't even call step mother because the word sounds too cinderella... She's mama and that's how she'll always be. She's loved me as her own child since day one. I've got sisters oh how I've got sisters and we've had our fair share of fights but the bond we share runs deep. I've also been given aunts and uncles and cousins who love me... That was just in my childhood now the list goes on. I've got a second dad who has done nothing but loved me since the day he married my mom. More Aunts and Uncles that have taken me as one of their own.. God really is good! Then he gave me my friends.. I have so many friends some that are second mothers, some that are big sister's some that are younger sister's but each one is a gift to me and I wish I could list all their names on here but it would take forever and a day to read them... You all know who you are and you all know I love you with all of my heart.

If that wasn't enough God gave me kids in my life to watch grow. Man some of them have taught me so much.. They hold my heart in a way no one else does. I love you kiddos.

God is great and even in the hardest times he's here I know he is. He's not left me. He hasn't left you either.. In your dark hours think about what you do have and you'll find him. He's waiting for you to turn back around and run to him... Well I am running to him.. I've missed him.

Today, some women said there was something special about Jenny and I when we were out on a walk, and it stuck in my mind all day... What's special about us is we have God in our hearts and in our lives and we are letting him shine..

I hope to continue to let him shine and be the best person I can be. Learn from my mistakes and grow...

Feeling blessed

Coming out of a storm

I know I haven't blogged in awhile, sometimes there isn't anything to say. Sometimes there is too much to say. You just never know. I know that right now it seems everyone that I love is going through some kind of hardship and it breaks my heart. My heart is in a million of pieces for those I love. For some of them it's just not one battle but several and it doesn't seem right or fair. It's hard to understand why these things are happening. I am just at a loss.. For my family and friends that are struggling right now with whatever is going on in your life please know that I think about you daily and I lift you up in prayer. You all mean the world to me.. Each and everyone of you...

As for my own life right now it too seems to be falling down around me and it's hard so hard to not let the darkness just consume me. It's hard to not feel alone all the time.. However I know there are worse things happening all over the world and people I love are going through so much more then I am. So I remind myself of what I do have. The most amazing support team ever. People that love me all the time for who I am. You are all amazing and I Cherish you. Long calls in the middle of the night, a good walk with a great friend. Sharing a cup of coffee with someone who builds you up all the time. Sweet emails and messages... A hug and a I LOVE YOU.... Is what is keeping me going.

As I write this tonight, I am fighting off a dark moment so I will go spend it praying for others.. But I just needed to find an outlet to my own thoughts....

GOD IS IN CONTROL..... That's what we all need to remember

Joy in others!

I just feel it on my heart to write this blog so I am going to go with it. You have to open your heart and loves others and animals. It brings more Joy to the soul then one could imagine. However you have to be aware that opening your heart to others is a risky business people aren't perfect. They are going to let you down. They are going to hurt you from time to time. However you must not shut down and lock your heart away from them. You rise up and you forgive and love the person. They won't always hurt you and they won't always fail you. In fact they'll build you up and love you and shape you into a better person. You have to remember that you're going to hurt them some day. You're going to fail them too and you need them to forgive you as you would do to them. Now I am not saying you keep forgiving an abusive person over and over again those are people that you need to block out. However not everyone is out to get you and not everyone is going to hurt you. Make wise choices on who you let in but once you let them in LOVE them with everything you have. I've herd some very sad stories the last few days of friendships ending and people passing away alone. Those stories break my heart.
Some people are born into wonderful families who love them and help them grow and stay with them for life. Those people are very blessed and I hope they don't take that for granted. Some people are not born into families like that for those people it's very important for them to go out into and find those people that are made into family. Friends are the family we pick for ourselves.

I am sometimes known as the naive one. The sensitive one. The overly perky in the early morning one. I had someone ask me one day how I did it. Here's what I told them. I find the best in every single person. I believe there is good in everyone. I practice what I believe I forgive and I try not to dwell on the pain. Being sad is easy to do trust me I am emotional I cry easily and my feelings can get hurt quickly but I've learned I have become so much happier by forgiving and loving the person. I am not saying I don't cry when I am hurt sometimes that's what I need to do to feel justified but then I move on but keeping my heart open to the person. I can not tell you how much love and joy is in my life and that makes the painful moments not so painful

As I said this was just on my mind tonight and I beg you all to reach out to your loved ones and let them know you love them. Or give your animals a hug and most importantly if you are in a feud own up to your part, learn from the hurt and forgive. Don't let it destroy a relationship.

Update update read all about it!

:)

How did it become June already? I can't believe it's taken me so long to update my blog. I am sorry!

Soo here's what is going on in my world. My parents relationship came to an end I never thought I would see that happen. However things happen in life that you just can't control and this is one of them. You just love the people. After all they are my parents. My mom has moved in with me and Its been going great! I love having my mom here!

I-pop update I wasn't able to come up with all the money I need so I won't be going this July however they hold onto what I have saved and it goes towards the next one. So I am going to go in January at first I was a little sad however it's all working out for the best. This year my sister has booked a flight to Nevada to spend with our grandparents and now I get to join her. My sister and I make it a goal to see each other at least once a year and we missed seeing each other last year so this is all working out.. As for i-pop for the next six months I am going to continue to fundraise and save money. It'll be fun when I get there!

There are so many great things happening this June I can't wait to see what comes from them..


Loving my life!

Loving my family!

Loving my FRIENDS!!!

Loving my job!

I am blessed!

Behind?

Oh dear, here it is half way through April and the last time I blogged it was March!! Where on EARTH did the time go? I really want to know, I would love to have some of it back!!

Life has been busy it's had it's ups and it's downs but you know it's my life and I am happy with it!

I got the biggest life lesson the past few weeks or so, my bestfriend from highschool mother passed away suddenly this year, and it really stopped me in my tracks. It slapped me and it stung. I never really took the time to see how short and special life is. It made me see how special my parents were. I sure do call my mom alot more! Don't let life pass you by with out telling your loved ones how special they are. Really you never know.

My heart goes out to her family, it's not something you just bounce back from. Still praying and loving them!

I can't think of alot to report on as busy as my life has been, but I would love to tell you all that I am here to pray for you. If you have any request feel free to let me know and I will be praying.

Thank you all for reading my blog..

Dreams

First Blog of March...

Most little girls dream of being a princess! Living a glitzy glittery life! Then the real world hits them and they start to dream about more realistic things. Mini vans husbands children and careers. I have to say I am no different, when I was little I dreamed of being famous person married to Prince Charming! As I got older those dreams turned into white picket fences lawns houses husbands and kids and the double garage doors! Here I am still dreaming of what's to come.

I am living a quiet single gal’s life right now, but today I realized that actually some of my dreams are right in front of me and I had no idea. There's no guy no garage doors no picket fences and no glamour... Or is there?

I work 6:30-3 Mon-Friday as a preschool teacher. Everyday I am around 15 small children. Some days are hard...So very very hard...

When I walk into the room after being gone for a short bit of time their eyes light up! They run to me! They call my name. They love me. To them I am the famous person that just walked in the room. I said I wanted the glitter of the world... All of my clothing sports glitter paint stains and my heart holds wonderful great memories of painting projects with the loves. I may not be married or dating right now, but I have a roof over my head. I have a car, I have a job. I have pets and I have a job where I get to snuggle with many little someone’s everyday.

As I said earlier today I've realized that my dreams are coming true each and every day!

With a happy Heart on this first day of March I wish you all a great month.. I hope that you too see your dreams are coming true around you!

A Big Chance!

Hi Friends!

I just recently auditioned for this amazing contest called iPOP and out of 200 or more so people that auditioned only about 30 or so people made it. I was one! It's very exciting to me! Now I get the chance to go down to LA and do one of my heart desires and ACT and have 100's of agents judge me and see me.. Maybe one of them would actually take me on! Wouldn't that be amazing! It's defiantly a once in a life time chance.

However it's spendy so I am trying to raise the money to go.

If any of you would be willing to donate towards it I would be for ever grateful, OR better yet for you if you need any type of service done I'd more then willing to work for it..

If any of you know me, like really know me you know how hard this is for me to ask. I MUCH RATHER give then ask..

This is a once in a life time thing and a dream I've had since toddlerhood...


Anything helps..

Even just encouraging words and support!

I love you!

you can contact me at

lilpiperjane@yahoo.com For further information!

Thank you!!

Taking Back Me

2011 is something special! Can you feel it or is it just me? Maybe 2011 is my year to shine, but I am really hoping it's everyones year to find greatness. I have entered this year with a smile and I smile everyday. I am learning to laugh at my mistakes and not let the little things get to me. I am just loving life.





Since I feel this year is going to be a big one for me I've decided to take back my body. As many of you know I have suffered a pretty nasty back injury in the past. For those of you who don't know. There was construction underway on the free way. Traffic was at a dead stop however the car behind me failed to see all the brake lights in front him and according to the officer on the sight he hit me going at least sixty while I was at a dead stop. Talk about a BIG OWIE! Yes I've let that big owie control my life tell me who I am going to be. I gained fifteen pounds after that accident and have gone up and down on weight since. I am no where near as active as I once was and the migraines that only bothered me once every few months started coming weekly. I've done chiro and massage treatments they help but you know it wasn't enough. When I started feeling weak and sore from holding a hair brush up above my head I knew I was in trouble. I am 26 years old this is not okay with me... So I contacted my Uncle who knows a lot about muscle building and getting a healthier life style. He is wonderful and has agreed to work with me, giving up an hour of his family time 3x a week for me. I really do love him!





He's been a lot of my strength during this process. Now he' s in I know he won't let me quit, but let me tell you something, I don't want to quit. I have suddenly fallen in love with going to the gym. I love the challenge. I love that my uncle is with me guiding me and helping me become who I want to be.





And yes we are only on week two but you know I was able to get my hair into a pony tail today with no pain?





It's little but it's big to me...





Here I am stepping in and taking back me!





And to all of you who support me in other ways. THANK YOU! I couldn't be finding me with out you.

PS... The picture above is me being active at Relay for life.. Well it was a hug moment.. But the last few years at Relay by the end my body is killing me. I've picked this picture to encourage me to keep in shape so maybe this year it won't hurt so bad at the end of the day... Plus the little one in the picture is always encouraging. :) Thanks to her family for being such a great part of my life and allowing me to be the "Big Sister" as her mother once put it... Love it!

Seriously loving Life!

The Ups and Downs

This weekend was wonderful! Though it didn't start out how I wanted it to. What's that saying you plan and God laughs? That's what happened. Here I had a fun weekend planned out. I was going to see some old friends who I miss like crazy then off to Seattle for some acting lessons. However things changed when I got the dreaded message Rachel had the flu and prefered I didn't come. Rachel and I used to live together and we had a great way of sharing germs. Whatever she got I got vise a versa, now I am not 100 percent sure that it would be the same now that we don't live together but we didn't want to chance it. It was hard. I was really looking forward to seeing her and I don't know when the next time I will. Though I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I don't understand and I don't always like it, but I respect it. There was a reason I didn't go down there.

So INSTEAD I got to hang out with my wonderful group of friends up here. We watched the Sea hawks kick tooshie! It was great. We laughed we talked we ate. We laughed some more. Most RELAXING Saturday in a long time. Not to mention baby snuggles! Gotta love that!

Then today I woke up to Snow... I knew that I was supposed to go to Seattle. So I prayed. I prayed and I prayed. If anyone knows me really well they know I love LOVE driving in the snow. It's one thing that does not scare me. It challenges me. I know I am odd :) So I checked the weather reports felt at peace to go and I made the trek down to Seattle. Glad I did! Only one bad spot today. The rest was EASY going. It was great. I spent the entire drive worshiping and rocking out to WOW hits. I love God and Me time. I praised him for everything.

I went to the class and learned a lot! I met some great people. Practiced what I learned and you know what? MY COACH used me as an example several times during the class! HOW cool is that?!! Eeek.. And I didn't freak out in front of the camera.. She taught me how to not be scared. Cool right?

Then I made a mistake and accidentaly put my parking slip on the wrong side and got a parking ticket.. BUMMER at first I was mad... Then I thanked God... For humbling me and reminding me that if I don't pay attention to small details there are sometimes prices to pay. So I will happily pay for my mistake.. Well maybe not sooo happily but I get it :)

All in all.. The week and this weekend have been a big adventure. Lots of ups and downs and for the first time in my life... I feel that I handled the downs the best I ever have.. That's huge for me! HUGE!


OOOOH and BY THE WAY!! The first song that plays on here now... My favorite right now... I can listen to it over and over and over


CH: Daily Challenge: Give bottles of water to the homeless OR No rolling "California" stops at stop signs.