Finding my happiness with a firm reality check

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have a home, a job, my bills are paid, I have an amazing family and I have the most amazing friends who love me just as I am.  I attend a church that I love and I feel that I am growing at.  I am surrounded by more amazing people.    So why was I not happy? 

  I knew something wasn’t right in my heart, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  I was desperate to find out what was going on.  I was searching for truth.   I want to grow!  I never want to stop growing.

I’d pull out my Bible at night, I’d read my devotions in the morning.   Still nothing was connecting.   Where I stated above that I have awesome friends?  It’s true I have friends that I can call upon and they always figure out how to work out sometime for me in their busy lives!   When I need them they are there Bible in hand.   They listen to me as I sort out my thoughts.   They draw my focus to truth and loudly point out lies that are tripping me up.   Each time we got together they always ended up saying “Jacqueline, you’ve got to take your thoughts captive!”    The more I heard them say this the more frustrated I would become!   They were making something sound so simple yet it was so hard.   Bad thought comes in.. Take it captive.   Negative attitude starts to come on take it captive.  Replace it with truths.  Say a prayer.   Be in charge of your thoughts!

I would end up with more tools and more places to focus my thoughts when I left my one on one time with them.  I’d put it into use.   If my friends were making time for me and helping me there is no way I’d waste their time by ignoring what advice they’d given me.

However a few days in it would not be working!  

Life wasn’t joyous!  Negativity was around me.  It was actually consuming me.   I was beginning to not know who I was.   What was I doing wrong?  I was trying to grow.  Why wasn’t i?

It came to the point where a firm reality check was in order.   I was called out on my negative behavior.  I was told I just wasn’t myself and that it was heart breaking to those around me.   It was affecting my friendships and the people I come into contact with.   When this was first brought to my attention all I heard was.  “You are a horrible person!  A lousy friend!  Not worth the time of day!”  When it reality what was being told to me was “I love you so much, I can’t sit back and allow you to destroy yourself.” 

My response wasn’t something I am proud of and it’s humbling to admit.   My response was to get angry and then put up a wall and pretend that life was peachy.

If you hear something more than once you better be listening!  To back this up another friend a few days later with the same firmness and the same amount of love pointed out very similar things.   Again my reaction not the best and I am not proud of it was to play off the same life is peachy when around her and to avoid any further conversations.   Thankfully that plan didn’t last all but of a second.   I think I realized that first time our paths crossed after the last conversation was really if I followed through with my plan is how badly that would hurt me.  How much I’d miss out on if I disconnected from someone who loves me.  Not to mention that it would probably hurt her too.   What’s the point in hurting two people?  It would be intentional there for I’d be intentionally hurting someone I care about.  Not cool.  Not to mention I believe that God gave me these friends to walk through life with me.   It’s such a great gift.   It would be like throwing it back in his face and saying “Actually I want a newer model”

I had to figure out why I was angry.  Was it because my friends loved me enough to step out of their comfort zones and show me the way of my behavior?  Because they loved me so much they wanted what was best for me?   Or was I angry because what they were saying was hitting a hot spot and I knew deep down they were right?

Obviously it was because they were right and they were pointing out something I had the ability to control and could change.   Time to pray.  To purposely pray.   I asked for my eyes to be open to what was the main root in causing all of this.

I realized shortly after where the problem was.   I was doing all the right things with a negative attitude expecting a positive out come.   I was praying, reading scripture but I wasn’t fully giving my heart over to the Lord.   I had it guarded.   Negativity soon came and it became a sinking ship each day darker then the day before.   It was in that moment did I understand what my friends were saying when they said “Take your thoughts captive.”  All of a sudden I realized right in that moment that I really could do it!  

Once my eyes were opened I just started to pray.  I prayed for forgiveness of negativity.  I prayed for God to have my whole heart.  I prayed to have my eyes and ears open.  To hear and see what he wanted from me in each day.

The negativity slipped away and rather quickly.   I was finding joy in the moments.  I was laughing more and smiling more.   I actually felt free!

Now I am not saying this is an over night success and that I don’t struggle daily, but I’ve found words to help me in my prayers.    I have found that I love writing so when a lie comes in I can write it out.

Lie: I am driving my friend nuts… I am sure she groans when she finds a new message from me.

Now the lie is written out I write out three to four truths.

Truth 1: MY friend is honest, if you were bothering her she’d tell me!

Truth 2: My friend is responsible for her own thoughts and feelings.  It’s not fair to pin my thoughts and feelings onto her.

Truth 3: My friend loves you.  She’s honest remember?  She tells me a lot that she loves me.  So it’s truth!

Three truths written out make that one lie look pretty weak.    It really is looking for the pops of joy in every moment.   It’s having an open heart.  A closed one leads to bitterness and negativity and it is exhausting!

Everyday is a chance to grow and learn.   It never stops.  I know I still have a lot of growing, learning and changing to do.  However I am going to go about it with an open heart and taking my thoughts captive.

I am thankful I have people in my life that love me enough to challenge myself to be the best that I can be.   To show me grace and show me God’s unending love through them.

With God ALL things are possible…  My verse this year… Of course it’s proving to be very true.  I beat what people said was not possible.  So I am not sure why I thought that it would be impossible to take my own thoughts captive.   Or why I couldn’t be free of negativity. 

Doing the right things with a negative attitude expecting a positive out come doesn’t work!

Trusting God does!