Anxiety

Anxiety is a word that has become a regular in my vocabulary in the last five years or so.   Honestly I think it’s been in my life since childhood.   It’s intensified in the last five years or so.   It started with panic attacks as I would just be drifting to sleep.   My heart would start racing, I couldn’t breathe.   It would take a good hour or so to calm myself down and then I just wouldn’t sleep the rest of the night.    Time went on and soon my days were filled with moments where I would be paralyzed with fear.   If I was entering Costco I’d be hit by one, if I was going to someone’s house I’d be hit by one.  The physical effects from these were draining not to mention how I’d feel mentally after one.   I viewed myself as weak.    If I were stronger or smarter I’d be able to stop them before they started.  

I discovered I am not weak nor am I stupid because Anxiety strikes me.   How I handle my anxiety is the key.   I used to be quiet about it.  I didn’t talk about it at all.  I was ashamed of myself for having it.   I would find myself condemning myself.  Chalking  it up to me just being the over emotional Jacqueline.   I started talking about it with some friends.   They didn’t condemn me.  In fact they encouraged me.   Reminded me to focus on what I know to be true.   Reminding just how much I am loved and giving me a few techniques to try when anxiety hits.  Just because anxiety hits doesn't mean I am weak!

 Monday morning came and out of the blue an anxiety attack hits.  My bracelets began to feel as if they were closing in on me.   Becoming hot to the touch, I was ripping them off as fast as I could.  I needed them off of me.  My watch was next followed by the beaded bracelet I never take off.  My heart was racing and I found it hard to swallow and the room had become a white color.  I could hear the words my friends had spoken to me playing in my head   “Focus on what you know to be true.”   I instantly started to pray.  “Lord, help me.”  As soon as I had prayed that prayer, my best friend showed up in front of me.  I don’t remember her being in the room when the attack started but I am guessing she was.   She had known something was off when she saw me rip my bracelets from my wrists.   It was God’s timing though.  She was an answer to my prayers.   She was God’s voice to me at that moment.   She didn’t look at me as if I were crazy.   She didn’t judge me.  She just reminded me how much I was loved and told me to focus on Jesus, picture his face inches from mine just whispering to me.    I did that.  I pictured Jesus sitting next to me reminding me how much he loved me.  I said his name out loud.    There is power in saying  His name! I simply stated his name out loud "Jesus"    

Within seconds the Anxiety was gone.  The room was back to order I could wear my bracelets again.

God does answer our prayers.  I cried out to him in a moment of panic and he was there.  The anxiety I felt that morning could have ruined the rest of my day, but I had faith that God had control and that he could take it away and he did.

I am never alone and I never have to let anxiety control my life.  God’s lover for me is bigger and stronger then my anxiety.

Another reminder this week of just how big My God really is!

Finding my happiness with a firm reality check

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have a home, a job, my bills are paid, I have an amazing family and I have the most amazing friends who love me just as I am.  I attend a church that I love and I feel that I am growing at.  I am surrounded by more amazing people.    So why was I not happy? 

  I knew something wasn’t right in my heart, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  I was desperate to find out what was going on.  I was searching for truth.   I want to grow!  I never want to stop growing.

I’d pull out my Bible at night, I’d read my devotions in the morning.   Still nothing was connecting.   Where I stated above that I have awesome friends?  It’s true I have friends that I can call upon and they always figure out how to work out sometime for me in their busy lives!   When I need them they are there Bible in hand.   They listen to me as I sort out my thoughts.   They draw my focus to truth and loudly point out lies that are tripping me up.   Each time we got together they always ended up saying “Jacqueline, you’ve got to take your thoughts captive!”    The more I heard them say this the more frustrated I would become!   They were making something sound so simple yet it was so hard.   Bad thought comes in.. Take it captive.   Negative attitude starts to come on take it captive.  Replace it with truths.  Say a prayer.   Be in charge of your thoughts!

I would end up with more tools and more places to focus my thoughts when I left my one on one time with them.  I’d put it into use.   If my friends were making time for me and helping me there is no way I’d waste their time by ignoring what advice they’d given me.

However a few days in it would not be working!  

Life wasn’t joyous!  Negativity was around me.  It was actually consuming me.   I was beginning to not know who I was.   What was I doing wrong?  I was trying to grow.  Why wasn’t i?

It came to the point where a firm reality check was in order.   I was called out on my negative behavior.  I was told I just wasn’t myself and that it was heart breaking to those around me.   It was affecting my friendships and the people I come into contact with.   When this was first brought to my attention all I heard was.  “You are a horrible person!  A lousy friend!  Not worth the time of day!”  When it reality what was being told to me was “I love you so much, I can’t sit back and allow you to destroy yourself.” 

My response wasn’t something I am proud of and it’s humbling to admit.   My response was to get angry and then put up a wall and pretend that life was peachy.

If you hear something more than once you better be listening!  To back this up another friend a few days later with the same firmness and the same amount of love pointed out very similar things.   Again my reaction not the best and I am not proud of it was to play off the same life is peachy when around her and to avoid any further conversations.   Thankfully that plan didn’t last all but of a second.   I think I realized that first time our paths crossed after the last conversation was really if I followed through with my plan is how badly that would hurt me.  How much I’d miss out on if I disconnected from someone who loves me.  Not to mention that it would probably hurt her too.   What’s the point in hurting two people?  It would be intentional there for I’d be intentionally hurting someone I care about.  Not cool.  Not to mention I believe that God gave me these friends to walk through life with me.   It’s such a great gift.   It would be like throwing it back in his face and saying “Actually I want a newer model”

I had to figure out why I was angry.  Was it because my friends loved me enough to step out of their comfort zones and show me the way of my behavior?  Because they loved me so much they wanted what was best for me?   Or was I angry because what they were saying was hitting a hot spot and I knew deep down they were right?

Obviously it was because they were right and they were pointing out something I had the ability to control and could change.   Time to pray.  To purposely pray.   I asked for my eyes to be open to what was the main root in causing all of this.

I realized shortly after where the problem was.   I was doing all the right things with a negative attitude expecting a positive out come.   I was praying, reading scripture but I wasn’t fully giving my heart over to the Lord.   I had it guarded.   Negativity soon came and it became a sinking ship each day darker then the day before.   It was in that moment did I understand what my friends were saying when they said “Take your thoughts captive.”  All of a sudden I realized right in that moment that I really could do it!  

Once my eyes were opened I just started to pray.  I prayed for forgiveness of negativity.  I prayed for God to have my whole heart.  I prayed to have my eyes and ears open.  To hear and see what he wanted from me in each day.

The negativity slipped away and rather quickly.   I was finding joy in the moments.  I was laughing more and smiling more.   I actually felt free!

Now I am not saying this is an over night success and that I don’t struggle daily, but I’ve found words to help me in my prayers.    I have found that I love writing so when a lie comes in I can write it out.

Lie: I am driving my friend nuts… I am sure she groans when she finds a new message from me.

Now the lie is written out I write out three to four truths.

Truth 1: MY friend is honest, if you were bothering her she’d tell me!

Truth 2: My friend is responsible for her own thoughts and feelings.  It’s not fair to pin my thoughts and feelings onto her.

Truth 3: My friend loves you.  She’s honest remember?  She tells me a lot that she loves me.  So it’s truth!

Three truths written out make that one lie look pretty weak.    It really is looking for the pops of joy in every moment.   It’s having an open heart.  A closed one leads to bitterness and negativity and it is exhausting!

Everyday is a chance to grow and learn.   It never stops.  I know I still have a lot of growing, learning and changing to do.  However I am going to go about it with an open heart and taking my thoughts captive.

I am thankful I have people in my life that love me enough to challenge myself to be the best that I can be.   To show me grace and show me God’s unending love through them.

With God ALL things are possible…  My verse this year… Of course it’s proving to be very true.  I beat what people said was not possible.  So I am not sure why I thought that it would be impossible to take my own thoughts captive.   Or why I couldn’t be free of negativity. 

Doing the right things with a negative attitude expecting a positive out come doesn’t work!

Trusting God does!

Can 2012 Fit on a Christmas Card?

As I read friends Christmas letters that summed up their 2012 year I wondered just exactly how would I do that?   Where would I start?  How could I possibly sum up 2012 in a Christmas card? 
This got me thinking.  Is it possible for me to sum up 2012?  Where would I start? Suddenly Thanksgiving comes to mind as a great place to start.   My church does a Thanksgiving day service.  I’ve never attended it before and I had no plans on attending it this year.   I had my excuse down in my head of why I would not be attending this service.   Such as I had to work the day after Thanksgiving at 5:45 so Thanksgiving day was the only day I could sleep in.  I was going to spend a Thanksgiving with a wonderful family that I am blessed to know but wasn’t supposed to be there until 1 it would be pointless to drive out to church then to not have anything to do for about an hour because driving back to Bellingham would be silly and a complete waste of gas.   Seriously these are thoughts that went through my head to justify me not going to our Thanksgiving service.  Looking back on it I just have to laugh!
I can say that God had other plans and he knew my excuses for not wanting to go.   His hand was at work days before the Thanksgiving service with a tweak of a plan here and a change in attitude here.  What I thought was just life being life was really God’s hand intervening.  The night before Thanksgiving I ended up staying the night at a friend’s house.   Spending time with her earlier that evening was planned spending the night not planned by me anyways.  God had this planned out before I was even born!! So now my excuse of it being silly to drive into Lynden was gone.  I was already there at a house that is less than 10 minutes from my church.  Again with it being that close I was able to sleep in longer then I do on a normal working day.  Both excuses gone! So I have to go to church!
 I get to the church find a seat and I can’t help by feel a heavy feeling of peace fill my heart.   The night before was a night of talking through thoughts in my head getting perspectives and dealing with things that unnerved me, and to walk into my church sit down and have that peace brought  into my heart is indescribable!.  I know I am not doing it justice.   All I can do is say let go and Let God.  That was a moment where I let go and let God.   Our Thanksgiving service is just beautiful!  People gather together and they get to share from their hearts what they are Thankful for.  What God has been doing for them.   Just hearing God’s work in so many different lives is amazing.   At one point Pastor Bob makes eye contact with me.  He mouths me a question “Do you want to share?”
                I hadn’t even planned on going to this church service! I most certainly had not thought about taking a microphone and sharing with my church family.  Yes I had so much to be thankful for.   So much! But sharing?   I found myself nodding in his direction.  He smiled and nodded back.   I was going to share.   Of course my mind started to wander and I found myself no longer paying attention.   So I quickly turned my attention to one of my favorite 3 year olds directly in front of me.   He’d been doing his best to sit and listen but like any three year old towards the end he got a little squirmy (Much like I still get) I handed him my pink notebook and asked him to draw me a picture.  By turning my attention to him for a few second I was able to get my mind off of myself and do what I love to do best.  Interact with a child which also helped me tune back in to what was being shared around us.  
The microphone was brought over to me I’d be the next person to share.  Having that microphone in my hand made my stomach turn a little bit.  Butterflies for sure!   I looked up to the piano where my friend Carissa was sitting.   She gave me a smile and a slight nod.  I knew she was telling me “You’ve got this! and you are okay!”  This is not the first time God’s had her in a room where I’ve been given a microphone and have been asked to share.  Both times the encouraging smile and the nod was just the reminder I needed.  Reminded me how amazing our God is.  I say a quick prayer and I begin to speak.  I shared with my church family just why I am so thankful.  God took an impossible situation that was said couldn’t be done and he fixed it.  He did the impossible for me!   I got to glorify God’s name!   What an amazing statement and feeling.  
     I share this story for what comes next.  The part that really got me the part that really showed me just how much God loves me.   Noah was sitting in front of me.  This kid captured my heart from the time I met him.   He means the world to me.   I think he could tell I was a little nervous.   I know he saw me look up at his mother when the microphone was passed to me.  I saw him smile at me too.  The same encouraging smile!  Somehow he got a hold that notebook that his brother had been playing with and started to write something as I started to share he was writing.   A few seconds into what I was sharing I glance over at him and he’s holding my note book with a message that means more to me then I’ll ever be able to describe.  It  said “I love Jacklin” 
I know God used Noah’s big heart that moment to speak to me.   Again it’s something I struggle to put into words but his little note of love was a reminder to me how big our God is.  How big his love is for us.   Noah’s I love you seemed small on paper, (I have the picture to prove it.) However it’s huge.  More then anyone will know.  I am so thankful that even though I had planned on not going to this service that God had other things in mind!  I can’t believe I could have missed out on this!
This year was walking with God, holding onto him when I didn’t know what was going to happen.  Lies were spoken about me.  Lies that I could have easily believed about myself!   Moments where it didn’t feel like there was hope.
During all of this God held me tightly in his arms.  He brought in people to walk beside me.  To push me when I really didn’t feel like going any further.  To remind me that I am God’s daughter and I am to be a light in this world.  My friends and family stood behind me and loved me unconditionally.
I know it wasn’t an easy year for those who walked with me.  They saw some pretty raw emotions.   And my sweet Jenny got a lot of the angrier moments.   She refused to let me give up on myself and she refused to let me push her away when it was the easiest thing to do.  Many nights spent in tears.   Though it’s us we did have lots of moments of laughter too.   We are good at finding humor anywhere we go.   The moment I hit a wall and started to fall apart, she was there to prevent that from happening by just loving me.  Praying with me and providing that extra hug.
This year was full of adventures! My new job! My sister’s wedding!, A trip to Oregon, months of house sitting the most amazing zip line trip.  A visit with my Dever girls and so much more!   IT was all tied up with God’s victory win as he completed a miracle in my life.   My life from the time I took my first breath to now is God’s story and I was reminded that of this year.  It’s my job to show his glory and power!
I can easily say that 2012 has been the year that has challenged me more than any year of my life.   I think I described it to one person as one of the hardest, exciting, challenging, faith building BEST years of my life!   I would do it again in heartbeat!  Nothing beats growing closer to God!
I know 2013 will be a continuous journey of growing closer to God, working on being the light that I am supposed to be.   Finding joy in everyday life and continuing to learn those truths about me!  I am excited for 2013!
To everyone who made 2012 one of the best years of my life at such a hard time, I thank you and I love you!

18 months of growing...

Finding the words to express my feelings and thoughts are next to impossible right at this moment.  The last nine weeks have been a whirl wind!  Being an emotional person, it’s fair to say there was a lot of up and down emotions.   They were starting to take over!

I started the Freedom in Christ study during this time period and I was still in the time of the waiting.  Waiting is not easy to do.  I’d been playing this waiting game for a year and three months already!  I just needed it to be over!

Thank Goodness I started the Freedom in Christ series in the last few weeks of waiting.  NO it is not a fix all.   I didn’t read a book and wake up cured of all negative thoughts.  Nor did I have all the answers to life.   However what I did have (And it’s not perfected!  Just sayin.)  was a book with tools and a group that supports me!  Couldn’t have come at a better time as we reached the end my emotions were running high and I was honestly starting to lose my positive perspective that I normally try to focus on.   There were many many shed tears in Jenn’s car as I told her.. I was not strong enough to fight this any longer.  Of course her being my friend refused to let me think that way.   She was good at trying to build me up. She spoke truths and held me accountable for my thoughts.  Thankfully for her we are going through this Freedom study too so she had the same tools and was able to remind me of those things too…

The tools are what SCRIPTURE says is true about me.  What God says about me.  Not what I feel about myself.  Sometimes I allow my feelings to take away from the truths. 

Now as I am entering this study it’s focusing on breaking strong holds which means dealing with the past.  Quite frankly I don’t want to deal with the past.  I want to leave it buried and be done.   However if that’s the method I continue to have.. I will never be truly be free..  (Yes still working hard with this one.. So not an overnight fix it)

So painting a pictures lots of emotions all over the place.. Truths being learned and accepted and lots of growing.

Then two weeks ago the waiting period ended!  The battle of which I had been fighting for 18 months was finally over…  I struggle with saying over.  I feel like it deserves so much more than that.   I prepared my heart for the outcome to not be what I wanted.   I was ready to take it as it was.   God wanted to show me just how big he was.  God’s name was g in the end.  The impossible had become possible!   I am just so Thankful that we have such amazing God.  I can’t help but shout praises all day long!  There is so much more I want to say and I will.  I am still working on putting it together.  I just needed to share something now! 

18 months of ups and downs.  I would do this 18 months again and again and again.  Yes I shed a lot of tears.  Yes there were moments that hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe.  However what I gained can not be replaces.  It should not be replaced.  My trust in the Lord is stronger now than ever before!  My needs were met.  I gained some of the best relationships with people that I can’t picture not having in my life.  I am just so in awe right now.   More to come… The journey continues.