Tattered Shirt

The last few weeks have been a whirl wind! I am surprised that July is almost over! I swear I just looked at the calendar and it was May. Why does time go by so fast, and if time is going by so fast how come things from the past can linger for so long?


Truth is… It’s not lingering. I am holding onto it! Guarding it tightly! Holding onto it because I know it to be true! The problem is, it just simply isn’t a truth. It’s just something I’ve turned into truth for myself.


God’s been working with me on letting go, carefully, compassionately and lovingly working with me on letting go. Yet I’ve been holding on tighter.


This visual came to mind this week. It was in that moment it clicked


A mother standing in front of her young daughter who is gripping a very tattered, very stained much too small shirt that the child had come to love. Maybe the little girl even thought she ran the best wearing that shirt, or that she played the best wearing that shirt, or for whatever reason she avoided getting into trouble wearing that shirt. She’s taken that shirt on as a part of her identity. Now what the child doesn’t see what the mother does. The mother sees it’s too tight, every time the little girl squeezes into it. The tight old shirt is beginning to cut off circulation in the arms. She’s is clearly uncomfortable when wearing it as now her behavior has changed, no one likes being uncomfortable and crankiness occurs maybe we can go as far as saying melt downs occur!! Then there is the fact that it looks plain ridiculous! If she could only see what the mother saw! Now this mother knows she has let this go on long enough. Everything has a time and place and it is time to end this! The mother also knows she has replaced the shirt with a brand new better one! It’s the perfect size, the child will be able to be free in the shirt, not so restricted and the best part is it’s clean!


The hard part comes now as the mother tries to pull the shirt from her beloved daughter’s hands. She knows this is going to be hard, so she’s braced herself to be calm, to be graceful, and to be just be loving!After all her daughter’s feelings are at stake. She knows what is best, but she also knows this is going to hurt. She gets her daughter’s attention slowly not pushy begins to reach for the shirt. The child begins to scream and shout. The child begins to cry, a painful as they are so emotionally attached to this shirt. The mother feels her daughter’s pain and continues on. She reminds the little girl that she loves her, she’ll always love her, but it is time to get rid of this and move on. Something better is in store. The little girl not satisfied with this, not believing this as truth backs away and struggles to get the shirt on. If her mother is going to take it from her. She’s going to have to rip it from her body!


The mother seeing this stands back, not willing to physically rip the shirt off the child. She could, she’s bigger she’s stronger.The mother knows her little girl has to let go on her own.


The child continues to scream, she continues to act out. She backs herself into a corner. Yelling she’s NEVER coming out again. She wants to be left alone! All she needs is this shirt. She doesn’t need anything, or anything one


The mother smiles sadly and reminds the little one again she loves her. She promises her that she will always be there for her, and she asks her to trust her. Now the mother sits down on the ground giving the child room,but not leaving the room. She utters an I love you again. Not once does she say. “My little one, you are being ridiculous!”Not once does she say “You’re behavior right now is stupid!” No. She just sits there “When you’re ready” She calls out to the little girl my arms open. “I will hold you, I will wipe your tears, I will kiss your cheeks. I will show you something better. I will always love you!” She’s not saying the child won’t have repercussions for this behavior as she knows every thing comes with a lesson.Every choice has an outcome.


The mother continues to sit there just loving her daughter through this. Her heart actually heavy knowing how upset her child is. She knows that she has to come to this conclusion herself.


Hours go by, it feels likes a life to the mother as the little girl, cries, gets mad, hides away and sulks. The mother never stops saying “I love you, trust me, I am here for you.”


The little girl finally grows tired of screaming, her throat hurts, her arms hurt from the shirt. She crawls out of her corner and catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. It was in that moment she sees what her mother sees. The shirt is gross, it’s too small and frankly she looks ridiculous.Tears begin to fall as she’s now embarrassed for her behavior.


The mom stands now walking over to her daughter kneeling in front of her. She holds out her arms out to her daughter.


She instantly runs to them. I am sorry she cries.


The mother holds her as she said she would. She wipes her tears as she promised she would. “Can I have your shirt now?” She asks. The little girl nods and allows her mother to peel the tight shirt off her body finally freeing her. The little girl actually notices how much better she feels. Her eyes light up when her mother revels the new shirt. She quickly puts it on and now looks at herself in the mirror. It fits perfectly!It’s clean. It’s freeing.


The mother has now taken the dirty old shirt and has throws it away, before she goes back to her daughter pulling her into her arms.Holding her tightly and reminding her how loved she is.


I’ve been struggling with holding onto my own dirty old too tight once favorite shirt. I wasn’t willing to throw it away. If it was gone who would I be?


God’s been sitting there on the floor in front of me. Arms wide open. Saying I am here. I’ll be here. I am not going to rip that away from you, you are going to have to make this choice yourself. In fact he was saying I love you so much, I am going to help prove it to you. Pops of joy planted right in front of you.Gifts of love just for you! “Look up Jacqueline. Look up from that shirt and look at the pops of joy just for you. Jacqueline, I love you so much. I am going to put people into your life who will love you! They will be able to show you just a little glimpse of how big my love is for you. Trust me. I know what’s best, I know what is freeing.”


For months I’ve held onto this. For months I’ve thrown my own tantrum. For months I ignored those pops of joy. For months I tuned out those people in my life who were there loving me. Showing me glimpses of God's love for me!


This week one of those friends finally said something that caught my attention. My first reaction was to shut down, to play it off. To simply tell her it wasn’t true. She was wrong. She had no idea what she was talking about. Very much like the mother in my story above this friend stayed calm. This friend showed grace and this friend stood back. It didn’t matter I was arguing it. She refused to argue her point.


Me being the stubborn girl, I am had to push one more time.Still she didn’t argue her point, but she did say one more thing that caught my attention. Something that made me realized I had failed a goal I had set up in our friendship. I was devastated.


Finally this week came and as funny as it sounds God and I went to blows. Correction I went to blows and he like the mother sat there saying “I will love you through this tantrum.”


I started running this week, I was trying to run from God,or myself both inescapable!I’ve been angry before, but I have never been this angry before. I shut myself down for two days. I shut the world out. I did my job of course but when I got home Jacqueline was shut down. I wasn’t angry at my friend, that much I knew but why? Why was I so angry!



So why was I running and yelling and fighting? I realized what it was. I realized I was holding onto this too tight too small shirt. It had become my security blanket. It kept me safe. It kept people at a distance. Even from those who I claim are the closet to me. This is why I was upset, I had failed my goal.My friendship should have NEVER had a goal. My goal was in reality a wall that was keeping my friend safe from me! I shouldn’t have to keep my friends safe from me!! I should just be 100 percent me, and they will love me for that. They already have loved me up to this point for just being me. Why couldn’t I trust them to get to know all of me? In reality I felt as if I failed her, and myself.


Now that was clear, I had to go back to the first thing she said. The first thing that caught my attention! She called attention to the fact that I was indeed holding onto something.


Now she brought it to my attention and stepped back it was up to God and I figure to out what it was. It was on me. So again some more crying, tantrum throwing I finally caught a glimpse of myself. Just as silly as that little girl looked wearing that too small shirt, is how I look carrying a burden that I am not meant to carry. I’ve fallen to my knees, I’ve asked for forgiveness to God.I’ve asked him to please take it. I don’t want that burden as my identity. I have kept onto it because I’ve taken it on as my identity. I was too scared to admit it, too scared to figure out who I was with out it. Yet I realized carrying that burden. I knew I didn't want it, but I was too scared to get rid of it. But it was taking away from me becoming who I am meant to be. I love people, I LOVE my family and friends. How can I carry God’s light if I am carrying a burden?


I gave him that dirty old rotten identity burden shirt to throw away. I’ve thanked him for that visual he gave me of that mother while I was running. (The visual distracted me from the fact I just ran three miles.) I thanked him for my friends who love me enough, to push me past my comfort zone.To call me out on my behavior. Who challenge me to own it. Yet who are still there in the end saying. I love you.



It’s going to take work to keep me from hunting for that old identity, the enemy would love to hand it back to me and pretend it’s a new better shirt. So it’s coming up with a new strong buster, it’s filling my mind with verses, it’s listening to the good music. It’s GOOD positive and fun conversations with that people that matter most to me. It’s about owning my behavior. It’s about being real. It’s about staying in counseling, it’s about working hard to keep my friends close, it’s about breaking down those walls. It’s about growing!


I’ve come to far in my life, to allow myself to destroy myself. My enemy is not getting this girl. I will NOT carry that burden anymore. My friend is right. It’s tiring and I am tired of it. I am tired of coming back to the same icky feelings, having the same sad conversations, I am tired of missing out on what is going on their lives. I am tired of missing the joy in each moment.


I am growing, I am changing, and I am living and I will not be wearing that old identity! I will be wearing the new clean,forgiven, loveable Jacqueline Identity.


I will be okay when I make a mistake, I will be okay when I reach out of my comfort zone, I will be okay when I accept inventions to hang out with my friends. I will be okay.


Striving to be that very special light, striving to be a contagious Woman of God.


To my friend, who I am praying reads this… Thank you… God’s used you to show me his unfailing love. You have know idea what a journey this was.. How painfully beautiful! Or just how much I appreciate you! How much I love you! Thank you for firm love! Thank you for choosing to love me!


To my friend who sat quietly by this week, just watching and pointing up with a smile, allowing me to hit bottom before I looked up! Thank you for loving me in my tantrum moments and thank you for not allowing me to give up! Thank you for pointing to God!


Promising myself to grow, but understanding I am not a perfect person and this journey is going to continue and I will walk humbly through keeping my eyes on God. For it is him that I will find my true identity


And I find myself singing… My God is so GREAT! So Strong and So MIGHTY! There’s nothing my God CAN NOT do.”

Anxiety

Anxiety is a word that has become a regular in my vocabulary in the last five years or so.   Honestly I think it’s been in my life since childhood.   It’s intensified in the last five years or so.   It started with panic attacks as I would just be drifting to sleep.   My heart would start racing, I couldn’t breathe.   It would take a good hour or so to calm myself down and then I just wouldn’t sleep the rest of the night.    Time went on and soon my days were filled with moments where I would be paralyzed with fear.   If I was entering Costco I’d be hit by one, if I was going to someone’s house I’d be hit by one.  The physical effects from these were draining not to mention how I’d feel mentally after one.   I viewed myself as weak.    If I were stronger or smarter I’d be able to stop them before they started.  

I discovered I am not weak nor am I stupid because Anxiety strikes me.   How I handle my anxiety is the key.   I used to be quiet about it.  I didn’t talk about it at all.  I was ashamed of myself for having it.   I would find myself condemning myself.  Chalking  it up to me just being the over emotional Jacqueline.   I started talking about it with some friends.   They didn’t condemn me.  In fact they encouraged me.   Reminded me to focus on what I know to be true.   Reminding just how much I am loved and giving me a few techniques to try when anxiety hits.  Just because anxiety hits doesn't mean I am weak!

 Monday morning came and out of the blue an anxiety attack hits.  My bracelets began to feel as if they were closing in on me.   Becoming hot to the touch, I was ripping them off as fast as I could.  I needed them off of me.  My watch was next followed by the beaded bracelet I never take off.  My heart was racing and I found it hard to swallow and the room had become a white color.  I could hear the words my friends had spoken to me playing in my head   “Focus on what you know to be true.”   I instantly started to pray.  “Lord, help me.”  As soon as I had prayed that prayer, my best friend showed up in front of me.  I don’t remember her being in the room when the attack started but I am guessing she was.   She had known something was off when she saw me rip my bracelets from my wrists.   It was God’s timing though.  She was an answer to my prayers.   She was God’s voice to me at that moment.   She didn’t look at me as if I were crazy.   She didn’t judge me.  She just reminded me how much I was loved and told me to focus on Jesus, picture his face inches from mine just whispering to me.    I did that.  I pictured Jesus sitting next to me reminding me how much he loved me.  I said his name out loud.    There is power in saying  His name! I simply stated his name out loud "Jesus"    

Within seconds the Anxiety was gone.  The room was back to order I could wear my bracelets again.

God does answer our prayers.  I cried out to him in a moment of panic and he was there.  The anxiety I felt that morning could have ruined the rest of my day, but I had faith that God had control and that he could take it away and he did.

I am never alone and I never have to let anxiety control my life.  God’s lover for me is bigger and stronger then my anxiety.

Another reminder this week of just how big My God really is!

Finding my happiness with a firm reality check

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have a home, a job, my bills are paid, I have an amazing family and I have the most amazing friends who love me just as I am.  I attend a church that I love and I feel that I am growing at.  I am surrounded by more amazing people.    So why was I not happy? 

  I knew something wasn’t right in my heart, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  I was desperate to find out what was going on.  I was searching for truth.   I want to grow!  I never want to stop growing.

I’d pull out my Bible at night, I’d read my devotions in the morning.   Still nothing was connecting.   Where I stated above that I have awesome friends?  It’s true I have friends that I can call upon and they always figure out how to work out sometime for me in their busy lives!   When I need them they are there Bible in hand.   They listen to me as I sort out my thoughts.   They draw my focus to truth and loudly point out lies that are tripping me up.   Each time we got together they always ended up saying “Jacqueline, you’ve got to take your thoughts captive!”    The more I heard them say this the more frustrated I would become!   They were making something sound so simple yet it was so hard.   Bad thought comes in.. Take it captive.   Negative attitude starts to come on take it captive.  Replace it with truths.  Say a prayer.   Be in charge of your thoughts!

I would end up with more tools and more places to focus my thoughts when I left my one on one time with them.  I’d put it into use.   If my friends were making time for me and helping me there is no way I’d waste their time by ignoring what advice they’d given me.

However a few days in it would not be working!  

Life wasn’t joyous!  Negativity was around me.  It was actually consuming me.   I was beginning to not know who I was.   What was I doing wrong?  I was trying to grow.  Why wasn’t i?

It came to the point where a firm reality check was in order.   I was called out on my negative behavior.  I was told I just wasn’t myself and that it was heart breaking to those around me.   It was affecting my friendships and the people I come into contact with.   When this was first brought to my attention all I heard was.  “You are a horrible person!  A lousy friend!  Not worth the time of day!”  When it reality what was being told to me was “I love you so much, I can’t sit back and allow you to destroy yourself.” 

My response wasn’t something I am proud of and it’s humbling to admit.   My response was to get angry and then put up a wall and pretend that life was peachy.

If you hear something more than once you better be listening!  To back this up another friend a few days later with the same firmness and the same amount of love pointed out very similar things.   Again my reaction not the best and I am not proud of it was to play off the same life is peachy when around her and to avoid any further conversations.   Thankfully that plan didn’t last all but of a second.   I think I realized that first time our paths crossed after the last conversation was really if I followed through with my plan is how badly that would hurt me.  How much I’d miss out on if I disconnected from someone who loves me.  Not to mention that it would probably hurt her too.   What’s the point in hurting two people?  It would be intentional there for I’d be intentionally hurting someone I care about.  Not cool.  Not to mention I believe that God gave me these friends to walk through life with me.   It’s such a great gift.   It would be like throwing it back in his face and saying “Actually I want a newer model”

I had to figure out why I was angry.  Was it because my friends loved me enough to step out of their comfort zones and show me the way of my behavior?  Because they loved me so much they wanted what was best for me?   Or was I angry because what they were saying was hitting a hot spot and I knew deep down they were right?

Obviously it was because they were right and they were pointing out something I had the ability to control and could change.   Time to pray.  To purposely pray.   I asked for my eyes to be open to what was the main root in causing all of this.

I realized shortly after where the problem was.   I was doing all the right things with a negative attitude expecting a positive out come.   I was praying, reading scripture but I wasn’t fully giving my heart over to the Lord.   I had it guarded.   Negativity soon came and it became a sinking ship each day darker then the day before.   It was in that moment did I understand what my friends were saying when they said “Take your thoughts captive.”  All of a sudden I realized right in that moment that I really could do it!  

Once my eyes were opened I just started to pray.  I prayed for forgiveness of negativity.  I prayed for God to have my whole heart.  I prayed to have my eyes and ears open.  To hear and see what he wanted from me in each day.

The negativity slipped away and rather quickly.   I was finding joy in the moments.  I was laughing more and smiling more.   I actually felt free!

Now I am not saying this is an over night success and that I don’t struggle daily, but I’ve found words to help me in my prayers.    I have found that I love writing so when a lie comes in I can write it out.

Lie: I am driving my friend nuts… I am sure she groans when she finds a new message from me.

Now the lie is written out I write out three to four truths.

Truth 1: MY friend is honest, if you were bothering her she’d tell me!

Truth 2: My friend is responsible for her own thoughts and feelings.  It’s not fair to pin my thoughts and feelings onto her.

Truth 3: My friend loves you.  She’s honest remember?  She tells me a lot that she loves me.  So it’s truth!

Three truths written out make that one lie look pretty weak.    It really is looking for the pops of joy in every moment.   It’s having an open heart.  A closed one leads to bitterness and negativity and it is exhausting!

Everyday is a chance to grow and learn.   It never stops.  I know I still have a lot of growing, learning and changing to do.  However I am going to go about it with an open heart and taking my thoughts captive.

I am thankful I have people in my life that love me enough to challenge myself to be the best that I can be.   To show me grace and show me God’s unending love through them.

With God ALL things are possible…  My verse this year… Of course it’s proving to be very true.  I beat what people said was not possible.  So I am not sure why I thought that it would be impossible to take my own thoughts captive.   Or why I couldn’t be free of negativity. 

Doing the right things with a negative attitude expecting a positive out come doesn’t work!

Trusting God does!

Can 2012 Fit on a Christmas Card?

As I read friends Christmas letters that summed up their 2012 year I wondered just exactly how would I do that?   Where would I start?  How could I possibly sum up 2012 in a Christmas card? 
This got me thinking.  Is it possible for me to sum up 2012?  Where would I start? Suddenly Thanksgiving comes to mind as a great place to start.   My church does a Thanksgiving day service.  I’ve never attended it before and I had no plans on attending it this year.   I had my excuse down in my head of why I would not be attending this service.   Such as I had to work the day after Thanksgiving at 5:45 so Thanksgiving day was the only day I could sleep in.  I was going to spend a Thanksgiving with a wonderful family that I am blessed to know but wasn’t supposed to be there until 1 it would be pointless to drive out to church then to not have anything to do for about an hour because driving back to Bellingham would be silly and a complete waste of gas.   Seriously these are thoughts that went through my head to justify me not going to our Thanksgiving service.  Looking back on it I just have to laugh!
I can say that God had other plans and he knew my excuses for not wanting to go.   His hand was at work days before the Thanksgiving service with a tweak of a plan here and a change in attitude here.  What I thought was just life being life was really God’s hand intervening.  The night before Thanksgiving I ended up staying the night at a friend’s house.   Spending time with her earlier that evening was planned spending the night not planned by me anyways.  God had this planned out before I was even born!! So now my excuse of it being silly to drive into Lynden was gone.  I was already there at a house that is less than 10 minutes from my church.  Again with it being that close I was able to sleep in longer then I do on a normal working day.  Both excuses gone! So I have to go to church!
 I get to the church find a seat and I can’t help by feel a heavy feeling of peace fill my heart.   The night before was a night of talking through thoughts in my head getting perspectives and dealing with things that unnerved me, and to walk into my church sit down and have that peace brought  into my heart is indescribable!.  I know I am not doing it justice.   All I can do is say let go and Let God.  That was a moment where I let go and let God.   Our Thanksgiving service is just beautiful!  People gather together and they get to share from their hearts what they are Thankful for.  What God has been doing for them.   Just hearing God’s work in so many different lives is amazing.   At one point Pastor Bob makes eye contact with me.  He mouths me a question “Do you want to share?”
                I hadn’t even planned on going to this church service! I most certainly had not thought about taking a microphone and sharing with my church family.  Yes I had so much to be thankful for.   So much! But sharing?   I found myself nodding in his direction.  He smiled and nodded back.   I was going to share.   Of course my mind started to wander and I found myself no longer paying attention.   So I quickly turned my attention to one of my favorite 3 year olds directly in front of me.   He’d been doing his best to sit and listen but like any three year old towards the end he got a little squirmy (Much like I still get) I handed him my pink notebook and asked him to draw me a picture.  By turning my attention to him for a few second I was able to get my mind off of myself and do what I love to do best.  Interact with a child which also helped me tune back in to what was being shared around us.  
The microphone was brought over to me I’d be the next person to share.  Having that microphone in my hand made my stomach turn a little bit.  Butterflies for sure!   I looked up to the piano where my friend Carissa was sitting.   She gave me a smile and a slight nod.  I knew she was telling me “You’ve got this! and you are okay!”  This is not the first time God’s had her in a room where I’ve been given a microphone and have been asked to share.  Both times the encouraging smile and the nod was just the reminder I needed.  Reminded me how amazing our God is.  I say a quick prayer and I begin to speak.  I shared with my church family just why I am so thankful.  God took an impossible situation that was said couldn’t be done and he fixed it.  He did the impossible for me!   I got to glorify God’s name!   What an amazing statement and feeling.  
     I share this story for what comes next.  The part that really got me the part that really showed me just how much God loves me.   Noah was sitting in front of me.  This kid captured my heart from the time I met him.   He means the world to me.   I think he could tell I was a little nervous.   I know he saw me look up at his mother when the microphone was passed to me.  I saw him smile at me too.  The same encouraging smile!  Somehow he got a hold that notebook that his brother had been playing with and started to write something as I started to share he was writing.   A few seconds into what I was sharing I glance over at him and he’s holding my note book with a message that means more to me then I’ll ever be able to describe.  It  said “I love Jacklin” 
I know God used Noah’s big heart that moment to speak to me.   Again it’s something I struggle to put into words but his little note of love was a reminder to me how big our God is.  How big his love is for us.   Noah’s I love you seemed small on paper, (I have the picture to prove it.) However it’s huge.  More then anyone will know.  I am so thankful that even though I had planned on not going to this service that God had other things in mind!  I can’t believe I could have missed out on this!
This year was walking with God, holding onto him when I didn’t know what was going to happen.  Lies were spoken about me.  Lies that I could have easily believed about myself!   Moments where it didn’t feel like there was hope.
During all of this God held me tightly in his arms.  He brought in people to walk beside me.  To push me when I really didn’t feel like going any further.  To remind me that I am God’s daughter and I am to be a light in this world.  My friends and family stood behind me and loved me unconditionally.
I know it wasn’t an easy year for those who walked with me.  They saw some pretty raw emotions.   And my sweet Jenny got a lot of the angrier moments.   She refused to let me give up on myself and she refused to let me push her away when it was the easiest thing to do.  Many nights spent in tears.   Though it’s us we did have lots of moments of laughter too.   We are good at finding humor anywhere we go.   The moment I hit a wall and started to fall apart, she was there to prevent that from happening by just loving me.  Praying with me and providing that extra hug.
This year was full of adventures! My new job! My sister’s wedding!, A trip to Oregon, months of house sitting the most amazing zip line trip.  A visit with my Dever girls and so much more!   IT was all tied up with God’s victory win as he completed a miracle in my life.   My life from the time I took my first breath to now is God’s story and I was reminded that of this year.  It’s my job to show his glory and power!
I can easily say that 2012 has been the year that has challenged me more than any year of my life.   I think I described it to one person as one of the hardest, exciting, challenging, faith building BEST years of my life!   I would do it again in heartbeat!  Nothing beats growing closer to God!
I know 2013 will be a continuous journey of growing closer to God, working on being the light that I am supposed to be.   Finding joy in everyday life and continuing to learn those truths about me!  I am excited for 2013!
To everyone who made 2012 one of the best years of my life at such a hard time, I thank you and I love you!