I want to be me!

My last few blogs have been focused on the darker times. Finding the Light. All that jazz. So this blog is not about that at all. Yes I have been focused on the harder times because it's all fresh right now. It's easy to do that. However it's not all hard. It's not all dark..

I am getting to know some pretty great people. I have more time so I am able to go spend the afternoon with a friend.

I am able to go to the Tuesday morning Bible Study at my church. This is awesome because I now know more amazing women. Who encourage me all the time!

I get to play with one of the sweetest little girls I know every week. My bug. We are bonding and growing together. I get to be her big sister! As her mom says. That's a gift. It's joy for my heart!

Every week I get to play with the kids in our Awana program. I get to watch them grow. Amazing.

I am learning to run sound at my church! SCARY!! But fun! I have a part in our church play! SOOO much fun!

My life is crazy right now. Super crazy. But I WOULD not trade it for anything. I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me!

In the Dark there is LIGHT

My blogs, are my written words to myself, so that I can remember this time in my life. Part of me wants to block out this past week. I want to forget it ever happened. Pretend it never happened. Skip ahead in time. Go back and get a re-do. However the fact is I have to face it. Remember it and grow from it.

I have to write it down to remind myself in the future of this time period in life. If I focus only on the hardships of the week that I fail to see that vast amount of positives that were there.

Yes, this week held some very painful dark moments. So dark so strong that I wasn't sure I would make it through them. I did.. I didn't do it alone. I couldn't have done it alone. My Faithful loving father was holding me through it all. He showed his love FOR me in written words in the Bible.. In songs sang on the radio and in the arms of a friend who held on just a little bit longer. Looking back at the worst moment... I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was worth the pain. My friendship grew ten times stronger as parts of the protective wall around me crumbled. My appreciation for the written word grew ten times more as I finally UNDERSTOOD... The love of music filled with words of just how much God loves increased! In the dark there is always light.

This week ROCKED my world the emotions and the pain were heavy. Little things I have ignored and pushed away surfaced up all at once and a breaking point happened.. I didn't realize it at the time but I was being prepared for it... A couple of cards from people who love me with words for the heart. Filled with truths! Time with family... Quiet time with God... My faith remained strong and even in the darkest hour I knew that God was there and God was great.

I won't say that everything is all better now. That would be a lie! I am human and I am emotional. I don't understand my life right now. I don't understand all the illness of wonderful people around me. I don't understand tragedy in lives. I do understand that this isn't our forever home and I do understand that one day all the pain and suffering will be gone. One day we will be home! Until then we just have to hold onto what we know is truth. Acknowledge that life HURTS.. However finding the JOY along the way makes it a lot easier to deal with..

My POJ's for the week...

Snuggles with my kitties!

A job interview!

Two amazing bible study discussions

Time with my little bug!

An hour long phone conversation with a big sister!

A weekend adventure with great friends and a wonderful baby

Bridal shower with some great people

Sharing part of my story

Texts with kind words

Emails that could melt your heart

A morning to sleep in

Ice Cream at DQ with the worlds best company

CUBBIES!!

5 mile walk!

A hug from my great friend at the moment where I needed it the most.

A card at the right time!

Those are all the BIG POJ's of the week.. That's A LOT and I could list a thousand more but I won't. It would take all night... There sure are A LOT more positives then negatives... So yes there may have been an EPIC break down in the middle of it all.. But there was EPIC joys!!

I am learning, I am growing.. I am walking.. I am not doing it alone.. This is what it's all about..

So my journey continues!

Thank you to all who make my life so beautiful! You are my lights!

And the biggest Thanks of all... To my awesome God...

My God is So Great! So Strong and So Mighty.. There's Nothing my God can't do! Soooo true!!

Loving One Another...

Last week was a rough week, I was emotionally done! I wasn't sure how I could go on another day. It seemed so very dark! So heavy. I wasn't sure I was going to get through it. Though I was reminded that I was loved.. I was reminded how special I am. How special God created me to be. He loves me! He thinks that I am a princess! How cool is that? Sometimes in the hard moments of life words of wisdom don't always cut it. A direct answer doesn't always cut it. A road map guiding you step by step doesn't always cut it! Sometimes it's the act of someone telling you that they love you! Then it's being reminded that God loves you even more then that! Amazing!

I sometimes shut down when people tell me they love me. I sometimes can't take it. It scares me it's a feeling I don't always know how to handle... How could someone I have only known for a short time actually love me? How could someone who knows me better then most love me? That's lies being told.. It's lies keeping me away from the truths. These people were brought into my life to tell me that they love me. Not just to tell me that they love me. But to actually love me. To actually show me what it is to love. So that I can understand God's love for me. They aren't perfect they will fail me... And I them.. Yet we were created in the image of God. So we do have a drive to love others deeply.. To show it deeply.. If we can love one another that way. Can you imagine how much God loves us? Makes my heart swell thinking about it... So I am going to focus on allowing others to love me. Loving myself. Believing the truths that are out there.. Fighting the lies.

This isn't going to change over night. I know I will have hard days a head.. However I also know that God loves me. John 1:12 I am God's child! Parents love their children.. I am loved! I am also loved by some pretty friends and family. I thank God for them. They are showing me the way.

Thank you to all the people in the last few days that I have told me they loved me.. You have know idea... How much that means to me...

I love you!!

A Journey

The journey continues on.... That's what I am calling this part of my life.. The Journey.. It seems to be the best way to describe it. When I think of a journey I think of a grand adventure! I think of rolling hills beautiful skies. Massive storms and rainbows hung in the sky. Hung just for me!

For in my head a journey has different levels feelings and emotions. That's where I seem to be in life right now.. I constantly have a vast variety of emotions running through me constantly. Some are great joyful emotions of pure happiness and excitement and others are deep and dark, sorrowful and painful.

I want to say that for the most part the happier ones are the ones running through stronger and faster, but it's just not true. The dark ones are the ones running hard and fast. They are the ones that I am fighting tooth and nail.. So I can have glimpses of the brighter ones. The brighter ones are the ones that get me by. They may be short lived but the impact they leave on my heart much out weights the dark ones!

When you are on a journey there comes a point where it becomes dark, so very dark. This is where you need to find the light. So you can get out of the darkened area and find that bright colorful rainbow hung in the sky just for you.

That's what I am doing right now... I am focusing on the lights around me. See God doesn't let you walk in the dark alone. He's there and along the way he's placed bright stars that light up the darkness and help you get through. It's no different in my journey. I have a few bright stars that I focus on... I've also been given a huge flash light.. It has another name by the way. It has the name of The Holy Bible. So between my flash light and my beautiful bright stars, I am making my way through the darker part of my journey. I am looking forward to seeing that rainbow!

So yes I may be struggling right now, struggling more then I have ever struggled in my life but I know in my heart that the outcome is going to be worth it. I may not understand the point of this journey. I may never see why God chose me to go on this particular one with him. What I do know that he is giving me great gifts as I go. Wonderful bright lights are coming into my life!

I never in my life imagined that one day I would get to see so many bright lights.. The path is dark right now, but the shining stars are bright!