Focusing

     Last year at this time I was in this period of waiting, I was in this period of quietness.  Many hours spent alone.    Lots of time to think.    Now life is speeding by and I am finding that I have less time to think.  I am still in a time of waiting.   I am still waiting on an answer.  I know that no matter what the out come is, I will be fine.   In fact I will be stronger...  Wiser.

I stay as focused on the positives as I can.   I love to look at the situations in my life and find the hand of God.  I love to see where he's been walking beside me and where's he been carrying me.  I can not even begin to put into words how much growth has happened this year.  In my heart, in my faith in my relationships.   Those moments where my heart is just breaking... I pull up those memories I have tucked away in my heart from this year.   The ones that are recorded in my joy journal.   I see the why and I say Thank You...   Thank You God for walking with me, carrying me when I can't and showing your love for me through the written words and the special people you've planted in my path..   

So yes, I am thankful for where I am at.  So very thankful for where I am at.  I know that my faith is growing so much... It's really amazing! 

Being thankful doesn't mean there isn't time of pain.  Time of questioning.    The thing I want most in life is to use my past and the things I've gone through to show God's glory.  I've gone through some very dark situations that were painful and scary.    I didn't go through those times alone.  I had God's hand in mine my entire life...   

If I can show the light of God through my life.. Through my story then that's what it's all about!  I myself have learned so many valuable life lessons... Lessons that helped me grow in my faith and in myself.    I pray that God uses me to touch the hearts of those around me.  That's what means the most to me in life.     

If I want to be used by God, I've got to let him more.  Sounds funny right?  Here I am saying he's walked with me my whole life and now I am saying I've got to let him in?    Yes he's walked with me.   However the world around me has gotten to me.  My own flesh insecurities have gotten to me.   The enemy has gotten to me.   I've found myself in rut where my thoughts have been focused on lies I've chosen to believe.   Lies that I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough.  I am not nice enough.  I am annoying.  I am broken.  I am not helpful.  No one actually likes me.  My emotions are too much for anyone to handle.   I am crazy.  I am mean.... The self destructive lies that have put up barrier between God and I.   With these lies I started to believe God was always angry with me.   I was always disappointing him.   I've failed him.   I've pushed him one to many times and he's going to leave me.     I am in the process of working through these lies.   Figuring out where they've come.  How am I letting them control me and how I can break free of them.    I know that through GOD all things are possible and believing in him and working with him.  I will break through these things, but I also know that it's not going to happen over night.  I have 28 years of thinking certain things to break free from and re train myself.

This is the current road I am on...  Learning new things, growing, waiting and keeping my FOCUS upward.  Remembering that no matter what, I am not alone and I am very loved by God....  It's all so confusing right now but it's worth working through..

Goodbye August!

        It's come and gone!  August 2012 is officially over! (PRAISE TO GOD)  For those who know me really well knew that I was dreading this month.   This month I had to face something that I just did not want to face.   So there fore it left a dark cloud hanging over my head.   I knew going into this month it was going to be challenging and I knew there would be days that I would be just a hot mess.  That was correct.  There were several days that were difficult and that I was just broken down.   I was never alone though.   I had constant love and support from those the closet to me.  Planted directly in my life by God.  He knew exactly who I needed this month..  Who would hold my hand when I was scared, who would crack jokes when I need a laugh.  Who wouldn't let me shut down on myself and everyone around me when that's all I wanted.  I was blessed in that way.

I have to say that August had it's hard moments like I knew it would, but August had it's wonderful, special rare moments!  I was so greatly blessed this month.   Provided for and taken care of.   So much joy was planted just for me this month.  I am blessed that through the last year I was taught to have an eye for joy.

My joys were amazing and filled so much love.  My heart is seriously full right now.  This month I had old friends come into town.  We went sailing and remembered good times.  It's been years since the gang was together..  Talk about wonderful old memories relived and new ones made.

There was also an epic Zip line adventure... Nothing like zipping through the trees.  (Though my favorite part was just the company... Love those strong faithful women.... Love...)

I also got a message when I was least expecting it that my BECKA was coming into town with her four wonderful girls.   She's played a major role in my life in the past several years.  Taught me a pretty important lesson in life and has loved me unconditionally.  Though our communication has always been through phone calls, mail, facebook, texts and email!   On one of the hardest days ever she was in town and she wanted to spend time with me!!  The much needed hug by a special friend... GIFT... Gift from God.. I don't believe in coincidences.  I know with all of my heart that God allowed her vacation time to be at the very same week I needed a little extra encouragement and joy....    (Hey Becka.... This is just for you...   I LOVE YOU!!  Thanks for that.)

Friends that became family reunited

So to sum it yes there was some hard moments, some very dark moments but the joy far out ways the hard.  This month is seriously going to live in my heart forever.   Pictures are great but the memories made will live on in my heart forever!

Adventures or coffee it's always a joy!

This little man always makes me laugh

Best Zip line crew ever! Love you all!

I got a little Hope!

A little Grace, Faith,Joy and Hope.. LOVE

My sweet Becka and Joy.  (You mean the world to me)

(Jenn, your friendship is seriously the biggest pop of joy all the time.   You never let me give up when I wanted.  You loved me through my hot mess moments.  Held my hand through the tears.  Laughed when I needed to laugh.  Zipped over trees with me and just listened.... Love you)