Here is a fact about me. I have a VERY good memory. Or as I call it a random memory. I remember things so clearly. Maybe I hold on to things? I've never understood why I've had this memory. I've actually hated it. It's random. I can tell you what eye color that I've come into contact with or seen on TV. I can remember what a person was wearing the last time I saw them. I can recall conversations from years ago. Yet I lose my keys daily! Go figure! I have memories going back to toddler hood. I've had people tell me that's not possible. Though the really early memories are more like flashes of images. I can't remember exact wording. I can remember things like a staircase (Probably the one I fell down) I remember a green vinyl chair stool. (Probably the one my Grandpa spun me in) I remember a big fence. I thought it was the biggest fence in the world. (My mom has promised me it was actually a normal sized fence.) I remember a yellow plastic toy piano. (One I used to make up songs on and sing my heart out to God. I am sure God thought it was beautiful. To anyone else, they would have herd banging I am sure) I remember a blue sweat outfit (It had hearts on it! WIN) As I grew the memories grow clearer. I remember the big move sitting sandwiched between my Grandma and my mom in a truck for YEARS..(days but hey I was 3 and contained it felt like years) . I remember the first time I was ever left with my dad and my other mama. (I've got the two most awesome mom's in the world!) I remember the first time I met my sister. (I also remember flicking her in the back seat when she was crying. Because I thought that would make her stop. Sorry Samantha!) So keep growing and the memories keep adding up. Playing with Cathy my best friend across the street whom was living with her grandparents at the time. In fact, I remember the day I met her. A neighbor Hazel thought it would be fun for Cathy and I to meet being she was only a few years older. We met on her property and I remember hiding behind Hazels maroon robe at first. It wasn't long before Cathy and I were running around pretending we were Sharia. Best friends right away! My first friend will always hold a spot in my heart that no one can fill. (Love you Cat... Glad you know how to say Purple now..) Great memory..
Of course with the good memories come the DARK memories the ones I don't want. (Or the ones I thought I didn't want.) I have many painful memories, graphic painful scary memories that no child should have to remember. I remember the pain, (Physically and emotionally) One "Friendly family Friend" Did a fair share amount of damage for a few years.
However, with those memories come the memories of God's ever lasting love. The feeling that God was with me. I remember this peace. A peace that I can't explain. No words what so ever. However in my darkest moments when tears could not be shed there was a peace. A sense of love that is Indescribable!!
As I continued to grow the cause of the dark memories disappeared and I quickly pushed those behind me. So I was not focusing on those memories. Yet with my memory they never went away. Just pushed back.
I've had lots of time to make many more memories, some great some not so great. I've had time to question my sanity. I've never quite understood why I have the memory I have. It's overwhelming and some people say a little strange at all. Anything can trigger a past memory. Sense of smell, a look, a fabric swatch, the way someone says my name, a touch. A sound.. A feeling... So on and so on..
It's safe to say that I am in a time of healing. God wants me to heal. I can feel it.. I sense it. It's in the words of my friends, it's in what I am finding in my Bible Study, it's what I am finding in my readings. It's a safe time to heal. Lots of emotions the last few weeks.
Friday was a hard day for me. Yet I was given a gift. A gift of a memory I HAD actually forgotten about. When things get to be too much for me, I shut down! (my poor friends that have been stuck with me during shut down mode) So yesterday in a shut down moment a room turned silent even though it was busy, it almost turned white. I wasn't going to deal with the cards in front of me. Yet that peace that I had as a child came over me. That feeling of God's ever lasting love. I could hear him whispering to me. "I am here, I am here, I am here, Jacqueline, I am here. I love you... I LOVE YOU." This peace... Filled my heart and just as soon as I started to check out and shut down, reality came back to me and it was over. I was filled with this peace. I was quiet for awhile after. I was trying to grab on to that memory and hold on to it. I NEVER want to lose that memory again! I will be forever thankful for that moment... It was a reminder of me being a small child and trusting with my heart and soul in trusting the Lord.
This week I've found myself saying "I don't understand this, why? Am I nuts? Why oh why Lord?" With the questioning came the lies. Lies the enemy wanted to believe about myself. It got to be so intense this week that at one point, I was standing in front of a friend who needed me to communicate with her and I had LOUD scary sounding voices coming at me once. I couldn't focus, I couldn't talk. (Not much anyways) I knew I wanted to cry. I KNEW I wanted to yell "SHUT UP" Really loudly and throw something. Or fall to my knees and cry! THANKFULLY I managed to refrain myself from doing those things. I just can't imagine yelling SHUT UP standing right in front of a person I love. Somehow I managed to communicate with her what I needed her to hear and was able to listen to what she needed. Though that moment left me numb. I don't recall a moment being that intense ever. (In our Freedom in Christ Study we are learning how to defuse lies and strong holds. It's pretty amazing) So from the moment I walked away from her that night I went into a numb state. The lies continued to scream at me. (She hates you now, she thinks your stupid... All lies by the way. I know for fact that wasn't the case!)
Lies continued into the next day at work where I felt it was just best to stay quiet and reflect. I was seriously questioning myself! I did my job tried to do the best I could with it went to my Study just listened. Listened to my group, listened to a group of women that encourage me daily. I went home and prayed and prayed!
Then the next day (Friday) I was given that gift. That memory of the peace that I felt as a kid. Which became a new memory in its self. It caught my attention and it filled me with peace.
This time of healing is BIG. I am excited about it. I know the enemy wants me to lose faith in myself and question everything. Stumbling block to keep me from growing and I am not going to let him win! I have the power to say "NO" To him. Just realized that few weeks ago.
And I am now considering my memory as a gift. God gave me the gift of a good memory for a reason. To recall up things for a reason. I am making it my goal to use my gift to spread the GOOD WORD of our Heavenly Father to anyone who will listen.
My memories help make me me, and to God I am a Saint, Adopted into the Kingdom. God's Princess. He created me to do Good Work for him..Through HIM
Blessed.. Ready to continue my journey allowing God to keep refining me to me more in his image everyday!
