Reflection

Since August of 2011 my life has changed very drastically. I am not a girl that does well with change at all! I freak out if someone moves a couch in my house a quarter of an inch to the right. So to have such a huge life changing event has really unsettled me. However as I reflect on it, I can see that yes some of it has been painful. Honestly some of it has been more painful then anything I have ever experienced in my life to be. Yet some of it has been very empowering! Very eye opening, very special. It's hard to sum it all up. I have gotten to grow into a better person. I have learned to pay even more attention to those around me. I have learned to look for the people that give off bright lights. Draw near to them. Learn from them.. And turn around and try and shine a little brighter for those who watching me.

I have had many moments since August where I've been on my knees in tears begging God to help me understand why this was happening to me! Or I have been on the phone with someone I trust in tears. I looked at these moments in pure disgust, as if crying out was wrong. As if it made me weaker. As if I were a child throwing a tantrum. Now as I reflect on this, I see it differently. It DID not make me a weaker person. I am human and I am going to feel pain. Pain will always be in my life at some point or another. Until I get to go to heaven to be with my God.

If these events hadn't of happened, I am not sure I would be who I am right this very second. I know I wouldn't be reaching out to the Lord. I would still be in the fog of my day to day life. Living but not really living.

I wouldn't be looking for the people who encourage me. I wouldn't see their lights shining. I wouldn't be able to learn from them, or to reach out to them in their times of need. I just wouldn't see them. The fog was too thick.

I still have NO clue on what's next. I still don't know what to do next. But I do know that I am Jacqueline Jean Ballard and I am one of God's princess's and he loves me. He loves me in the moments where I can't stand myself. He loves me when I am on the ground in tears. He loves me when I am just hanging out with my friends being crazy. He loves me all of the time. How awesome is that? My God is SO GREAT!!

We talked about who we look up too, and who we are being a mentor for. Then we were to tell those people that we looked up to them. I managed to tell one person that I saw that they were a beautiful light.. That moment of listening to God and really opening up my heart was pretty big. I want to be a light that shines.

I want this time right now to build me into the best person that I can be. SO that in years from now when I reflect on it. I can see what God did for me.

I have MANY shining stars in my life... I am so very blessed that God has planted these people into my life.

I have a few areas in my life that I still need to work on. That I still need to give over to God, but I feel that I am growing daily into a better person then I was a year ago at this time.

So as I reflect right this moment, I can see the pain that I have pushed through, but what I see more are the MANY gifts from God.

8 years..

A flash back in time.. My mom my Nanny and me.. I am the one in the middle :)




8 years this month ago, I lost one of the most important people in my life. I lost my beloved grandma or Nanny as I called her. Nanny meant the world to me. She'd been there my whole life. I can't remember ever not knowing her. My mom moved in with her when I was just a infant and for most of my life after that I lived with my mom and my grandma. She was always there when I needed someone to talk to. She taught me to love coffee, by three years old I had my first coffee cup. We'd talk every morning over coffee. She was never too busy to take time out of her day to play games with me, let me do crazy things to her hair. When she pulled out her sewing kit she always gave me a bag of buttons to play with. Her green eyes always lit up when I walked into a room and her smile could make me smile. I have hundreds no thousands of wonderful memories with my Nanny but my favorite memories were riding into to town in her old truck which she named Nelly.

(And now you guys know where I learned to name my car from. For those that don't know my car's name is Ruby!)


As we rode in old Nelly into town we'd sing songs the whole way. Who needed a radio when your nanny could sing. Let me tell ya that woman could sing! She was once offered a singing deal and turned it down.. Her voice was amazing... My favorite song was about swinging on a star.. I am posting the words below..

My Nanny taught me to appreciate stars, to find their beauty and wonder. To this day stars are my favorite things!



Thinking about Nanny makes me smile, makes my heart fill with Joy. I can't tell you how much she taught me in life. She taught me to Pray, She taught me to always say please and thank you. She said you can never use those words too much. She taught me to love animals with my whole heart and treat them as I would my best friend. She taught me smiling is always the best way to start your day. She taught me coffee doesn't really stunt your growth. She taught me to never be too busy to play a game of Candy Land with someone you love. I could go on and on and on..


I know that I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for my Nanny... I was the luckiest little girl in the world to have her...

Would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are

Or would you rather be a mule
A mule is an animal with long funny ears
Kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny but his brain is weak
He's just plain stupid with a stubborn streak
And by the way, if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule

Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a pig

A pig is an animal with dirt on his face
His shoes are a terrible disgrace
He has no manners when he eats his food
He's fat and lazy and extremely rude
But if you don't care a feather or a fig
You may grow up to be a pig

Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are

Or would you rather be a fish
A fish won't do anything, but swim in a brook
He can't write his name or read a book
To fool the people is his only thought
And though he's slippery, he still gets caught
But then if that sort of life is what you wish
You may grow up to be a fish
A new kind of jumped-up slippery fish

And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
Every day you meet quite a few

So you see it's all up to you
You can be better than you are
You could be swingin' on a star










I can hear her voice singing this song.... Oh.. Makes me cry a little...

One Day...

This picture, makes me cry. It makes my heart skip a beat. It makes me feel safe. It gives me a million and one emotions.

I found it online today and just had to show you.

True love...

When I think about heaven, I think about being a small innocent child again. One that hasn't been hurt. One that knows no evil. One that is trusting and wide eyed. One that only knows how to love. I think that's how we'll be again. I picture being held in the arms of the one that loved me more then anyone else has ever loved me.

Life is a gift! One that I am glad that I have been given. I am going to enjoy it's time. I am going to be joyful during the happy times and I am going to give thanks and most likely shed tears through the harder times. I do this because I know some day that this will be my outcome! This will make the joy filled moments I have now seem like nothing. This is where it began and where it ends.

I am so very thankful to be me! I am so very thankful for my mind and how it works. I know that I was created to be just who I am. To look at the world the way I do. To love the way I love. To feel every emotion that I feel. I was created to be me. I was created because I was already so loved! One day this is how it will end!

I know this because, I am loved and because I have Faith...

See this makes the hardships like right now.. Not seem so hard.

MY GOD IS SO GREAT!!

My shining star...

I love writing, writing is the biggest outlet for me. I have been asked a few times in the past few days "What do you want to do with your life?" My first thought always goes to writing! Then the voice comes into my head that says... "Are you kidding me? You can't write! Your writing is garbage! Don't even wast your time Jacq." Then I take a step back and let the dream die down a little.. Well YOU KNOW WHAT? That voice is wrong! It's not the truth. I can write as much as I want to. When I want to and how I want to. It's something I enjoy doing. It's something that makes me smile and makes my heart happy. I love writing fiction and I love working on my blog.

In past blogs I have said I do my blog for myself, so that in the future I can remind myself of what I was going through at this time. That's true. That's why I do my blog. So why am I worried about others are thinking? When honestly they probably aren't thinking anything negative at all. That silly little voice gets to me every time. This blog is for me to help me grow into a better person. I am learning from it. But if I happen to help others grow in my blog then that's a plus! I love to help others!

Right now, life isn't all roses and it's hard! I am learning how to find myself. I am not tied up into one stereo type. I am Jacqueline Jean Ballard and I am special and important and God made me... I am here to serve his purpose and be his light. I am going to do that. I am going to be the light that I was created to be! I am going to shine brighter then I have ever have before. I want you all to see the wonderful work God is doing in my life!

Yep I am at a set back in life that's a truth but it's a not a stopper.. It's a learning game! One that God has been preparing me for, for years. One that he is offering to hold my hand through. He wants me to hold his hand! So I've reached out and I have taken it! It's dark and scary but holding his hand makes it feel less scary.

He's provided me with shining stars that help clear the path a little while we walk. Shining stars in the eyes of my pets who love me all the time! Shining stars in the eyes of the children I see during Awana. Shining stars of great messages that I get to hear at church. Shining stars in the share laughter with my friends. Shining stars in a friends hug at the right time. Are you seeing my trend? So many shining stars lighting up the dark path and with God's hand I am going to get through it.

Honestly I am kind of excited to be on this journey... I think when I come out I am going to be a whole lot stronger, a whole lot wiser and a whole lot happier. I am going to go places I have never dreamed of going!

So for this year I am going to write my heart out! I am going to be a shining star in my own life and in those of the people. I am going to give with everything I have... I am going to love with every fiber of my being..

I am diving in!

I love you all!