Reflection

Since August of 2011 my life has changed very drastically. I am not a girl that does well with change at all! I freak out if someone moves a couch in my house a quarter of an inch to the right. So to have such a huge life changing event has really unsettled me. However as I reflect on it, I can see that yes some of it has been painful. Honestly some of it has been more painful then anything I have ever experienced in my life to be. Yet some of it has been very empowering! Very eye opening, very special. It's hard to sum it all up. I have gotten to grow into a better person. I have learned to pay even more attention to those around me. I have learned to look for the people that give off bright lights. Draw near to them. Learn from them.. And turn around and try and shine a little brighter for those who watching me.

I have had many moments since August where I've been on my knees in tears begging God to help me understand why this was happening to me! Or I have been on the phone with someone I trust in tears. I looked at these moments in pure disgust, as if crying out was wrong. As if it made me weaker. As if I were a child throwing a tantrum. Now as I reflect on this, I see it differently. It DID not make me a weaker person. I am human and I am going to feel pain. Pain will always be in my life at some point or another. Until I get to go to heaven to be with my God.

If these events hadn't of happened, I am not sure I would be who I am right this very second. I know I wouldn't be reaching out to the Lord. I would still be in the fog of my day to day life. Living but not really living.

I wouldn't be looking for the people who encourage me. I wouldn't see their lights shining. I wouldn't be able to learn from them, or to reach out to them in their times of need. I just wouldn't see them. The fog was too thick.

I still have NO clue on what's next. I still don't know what to do next. But I do know that I am Jacqueline Jean Ballard and I am one of God's princess's and he loves me. He loves me in the moments where I can't stand myself. He loves me when I am on the ground in tears. He loves me when I am just hanging out with my friends being crazy. He loves me all of the time. How awesome is that? My God is SO GREAT!!

We talked about who we look up too, and who we are being a mentor for. Then we were to tell those people that we looked up to them. I managed to tell one person that I saw that they were a beautiful light.. That moment of listening to God and really opening up my heart was pretty big. I want to be a light that shines.

I want this time right now to build me into the best person that I can be. SO that in years from now when I reflect on it. I can see what God did for me.

I have MANY shining stars in my life... I am so very blessed that God has planted these people into my life.

I have a few areas in my life that I still need to work on. That I still need to give over to God, but I feel that I am growing daily into a better person then I was a year ago at this time.

So as I reflect right this moment, I can see the pain that I have pushed through, but what I see more are the MANY gifts from God.