A Year?

I know for fact that my brain works on time.  I measure everything in time...  So I've been looking at my life like this....

In August of 2011... My life changed... DRASTICALLY!   So I set my eyes on to August of 2012... By August of 2012 everything has to get better.  A year makes a huge difference you know...

It's not August yet.  Though it's closer then we'd all like to think.  I can't believe it's June!! 

Taking a step back and removing my focus from August has given me a new look on life.  Yes I will most likely still measure things in time.  It's the way my brain functions.  However it's learning to look outside the time frame box too.   I can't wait around for August expecting that to be the month that seals everything back up and makes life perfect again!  Honestly life wasn't perfect last June at this time.  I still had problems.  I still had worries.   Though my mind has changed.  The focus has changed.   The problems have changed and my heart has changed.

The past week has taught me to stop looking at the time frame.   August will come and go and things will still continue to change.    It's not a fix all.  So I am taking my eyes off of August.   Though I am looking forward to my Zip line adventure in August.... That's a story for another day. :)

The world around us is constantly changing and that's never going to stop. Me being a person who hates change is still learning to deal with that.   Jobs and social groups are forever changing.   That's life.   Most of you already know this.  Even I know this.  It's just understanding it.

If my life stayed exactly the same as it had been, I would be dull.. I would be boring and I wouldn't be growing.  I need to keep growing.  In order for me to do what God has planed for me.  I have to change.   I have to learn.   I have to have Faith and focus on GOD not on a date.   A year is a good way to measure growth.  We all do it.  Birthday's News years.  Those are fun ways to look at it.   It just can't be the focal point.   I however will no longer be thinking in my head.   I can't wait to see where my life is in August.   That's just plain silly.  I need to view each day like that.  I can't wait to see where my life is today!   I can't wait to see how God uses me today!   I can't wait to grow and learn today!

It's interesting to see how much growth can happen in a year.  I will still do that.  I mean look at where I am now wow... So much growth.  I had a great job, I now have another great job.  I had great friends.. I have more great friends.  I had Faith.  My Faith has GROWN....  I worked with some great co workers.. I am working with new and wonderful coworkers.. I learned from the old co workers lots of life lessons..  Ones that prepared me to be where I am at right now.  To maybe be a model to those around me.  Now I get to learn from more great people.  Seeing that in a year's time is fun!  So I am not saying I won't look for that.

I am just going to focus on the today!!!

Today, I was thankful for sunshine... I was thankful for coworkers who knew how to encourage me.  Who knew what to say.   Who just shared a simple hello at the right time.  I am thankful for silly games with friends and family.  I am thankful for a job... I am thankful that I knew all day that God was taking care of me and everyone around me.  I was thankful to be able to laugh instead of cry. I am thankful to be able to have a text conversation with a friend.  If I were focusing  on August being the bandage that I need and others around me need.. I probably would have missed the point of today.  I would have missed the joy that God planted just for me.

I am not always the best at writing in my joy journal, but I have learned to spot the joy and focus on that... Not the BIG box... It's the tiny little boxes through out the day that actually bring me the most joy and strengthen me and my faith.

So focusing on the day... Is my new goal :)  Though like I said I am still looking forward to parts of August :)  I am just not looking at it as my bandage or the finish line anymore.   

Learning and Growing daily...

Melt down...

This week I had a melt down.  Threw a tantrum like a child... Listened to that little voice inside of my head that told me I was not good enough.  In fact I herd "You're ugly! You are too fat!  You are too perky!  You try to hard!  No one really wants to be friends with you.  You are too emotional... To damaged.. Beyond repair."  Those were some pretty intense voices.   They got me.. Oh how they got me...  It was a full inward battle... Lots of anger and emotions.   Things I haven't addressed.  I push away.  That's just me.

God gave me a gift.... He gave me a gift of a friend that no matter how much I try to shut out the world, she won't let me shut her out.  She'll do anything to make me smile.  She'll push me harder then anyone has ever pushed... This week she first assured me she loved me.  Said some truths.. Hard things to hear... Things I needed to hear..  She hugged me and allowed me to share my feelings.   She also challenged me.  Challenged me to look at things a little different.  Challenged me to not rob the joy out of my own life.

She challenged me to read a Psalm and a Proverb every day... Find truths in them.  Realize my importance to God.

Replaying that conversation in my head... God gave me the best of friend... I see him through her daily... I am so very blessed.... THAT day... is going down in my joy journal.   I am not okay with my behavior of that day.  Things I need to work on.. However, I am thankful to see the growth in my life.  To see just how much God loves me.  To see his love in a bond between a friend that's is not describable... 

I am so blessed....

Thank you God..... 

Compassion

"You're too sensitive!  You are such a people pleaser!!  Don't take everything so personally!  Who cares what they think of you?  Why are you giving that person your time?  They've never been nice to you!  You are too trusting!  You are naive!"  I have herd those comments many times in my life.  Numerous times in my life.  By many...  At one point I became ashamed of myself.  I felt embarrassed!  I didn't understand me...  I got the "You get hurt, because you give too much!  Don't you ever do anything just for you?   You are too trusting!   Why do you have the desire to please people?"   Again the more I herd those things the more I doubted myself.   Maybe I am too emotional, maybe I am too trusting...

What I have really learned over this past year as I have gone through many huge life challenges and changes.  If you look at those things a negatives then yes they are going to be negative and yes they are going to tear you down.

However if you look at those in a different light everything changes.  Those who know me well know I try to tend to always look at the more positive side of life.  I want to be happy, I want to be fulfilled and I want those around me to have the best of me I can offer.

I was made to be sensitive, I was made to cry easy, to laugh often and to love with my full heart.   It's actually the best gift I have ever been given!  I of course am just learning this, I used to see this as a flaw... However my emotions connect me to people.  They allow me to love and they allow me to forgive...

I am that person that loves everyone with everything I have, but have a wall up around me and have a hard time letting others love me... That's not healthy and that's what I am working on right now..  Allowing others to love me..

This week I have had a few people just laid on my heart, so much love and compassion towards them.  Some I know very well... Some I am just meeting...  

This past year has really changed me... It's made my Faith grow.. It's made me grow in ways I can't explain   So this past week as I am thinking about others... Praying for them..  Allowing my emotions to guide me... I am seeing it as a gift... Not a curse...  I am seeing just how much God has given me.  How much God is doing in this world.

How thankful I am to witness it in my own life and the lives of others around me.

I am not ashamed of being emotional, I am not ashamed of asking for help when I need it.  I am not ashamed of wanting to cry for no reason.  I am not ashamed of investing in others...   I am just learning that I can be me and it doesn't matter how the world views me.  It only matters how God views me.  He made me this way and I am thankful for that.  I am thankful to be me!