I am letting it go! (Again)

Letting go!

I am not good at asking for help. I am not good at saying "Hey, I am hurting right now and I just need to talk." I am not one who can normally just call someone up and have a conversation with them. I know that sounds so funny coming from the queen of emotions. I know I can't hide my emotions well and my eyes and face give away everything! I don't have any control of that or I would totally do a better job. It's why I can never play poker :)

I have a really hard time asking for prayer. Sometimes I can do it. A lot of the times in a text message but it's a start! I struggle with all of this so deeply. I hate the idea of coming across as extra emotional or extra needy or a burden to someone. It's this HUGE rock in my stomach that paralyzes me with fear.

However I have NO problem, at all praying for others. I never mind if someone comes up to me and says "Hey, I am hurting I need your help." Or "Would you pray for me?" I jump in. I would do everything in my power to ease the pain and suffering my friends and family suffer. I would never think of them as a burden!

I don't want to come across as if I don't trust my family and my friends with my stuff. They trust me with theirs. It's not that I don't trust them with anything in my life because I do! It's just that I have a hard time actually voicing what's going through my head.

Give me pen and paper and it all spills out. Last year I had a friend that I wrote actual hand written letters to, and I felt like my personality, my heart, and soul came spilling out. I think she got to know a side of me that I keep locked up.

I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am. I need to embrace myself and let go of my insecurities. God didn't create me to be so insecure or so hard on myself. He didn't create me to stay locked away from the world. He created me to shine! He created me to be his beloved child. I can't do that if I am letting Satan whisper into my ear all my insecurities. I have to stop listening!

This blog has been the hardest one I've ever written. I am really opening myself up. I am admitting that I hide away. My goal from this point on is to start embracing myself a little more. Start letting go. Putting myself out there. I know that sometimes I am going to get hurt, but I also know I will be able to serve the Lord better! Not to mention I'll probably be blessed more in the areas where I help my loved ones. My heart is to always take care and love those in my life but I can' do that, if I am not being honest with myself or with them!

So here is to me learning how to let go.. TO Break out of the tight lock and key that I have put myself into years ago.

2 Years later

Below I am copying and pasting an old blog entry. Actually one of the first blog Entries that I made. I was going through my blogs and re reading them to see where my life has been. I know I said it the other night, that I can use my blogs to help me to learn and grow. Some things are very similar. The situation two years ago was different. It was painful and hard to deal with and hard to understand. I am not going through the exact same battle that I was back then but I am handling what life has given me this time in almost the same way. Reading my own words was an EYE OPENER!! Yes I am still afraid of being abandoned.. So very afraid and yes I am still abandoning God... This time I am praying for everyone in my life, but I am not giving God my own personal problems. I am holding onto them lock and key. I am telling him I trust him with everyone Else's life but not my own. How on earth is that fair to him? How is it fair to anyone? So tonight before I go to bed, I think I am going to have that heart to heart with God and let go. Nothing good is coming from me harboring my fears and doubts...

This.. Right here.. This is why I am doing this blog. Growing. Changing, Loving others and myself in new ways daily.

Blog below.... Explains this one :)

Lots of love!

Sept, 13, 2011

Jacq



Writing in a Storm.
Ever feel abandoned? I am sure you have. I am sure we all have. I know I have many times in my life. I know that my biggest fear in life is being abandoned by the people I hold closest to me. So I know this. I fear this this. Yet I turn around and abandon God. The last two weeks God has been the furthest thing on my mind. How could God abandon Baby Cecil in those last moments? How could God Abandon that innocent little baby? But God did not abandon him. He did not abandon me. He's been here all along. He took Cecil into his arms and cradled him. He gave him love that NONE of us would ever be able to give him. God has not abandoned me. I've turned my back on him. But as I think more clearly I can still hear his voice. It's quieter than normal but it's here. He's waiting for me to turn around and grab onto him. So why is it so hard for me to do that? Why is it so easy to abandon the one that loves me the most?I need to stop running! I need to hear the truth weather it hurts or not. I need to face the facts and grab onto God's hand. I can not abandon the one who loves me the most.Is this a test or a trial? Does it really matter? The out come needs to be the same. God needs to be the center.Reaching out to GOD!

Sept 17th 2009...

Pets Oh Pets

So again if you know me, you know how much I love my cats! I am probably boarding on the crazy cat lady! :) Just kidding. Sort of.. Some times I think as I am sweeping and vacuuming like crazy because all of the pet fur everywhere I can't help think after these two are gone no more. I am not doing this again. I can't even where my favorite black pants with out getting covered in fur! So here I am complaining about them. However they are always here always. They always know when I need a hug. They are always around to snuggle with. They are the most forgiving creatures around. They forgive me when I've lost my temper. They don't hold it against me. They always know how to make me laugh and I am never alone.

Animals aren't easy but to me at the end of the day they are worth everything to me. They are the best priceless gifts.

Blogging Continues

3 Blogs in 3 days!! Can you believe it? I know it's amazing. That never happens! However I have decided that I love blogging. I enjoy blogging. It's a way for me to sort out my thoughts and get a perspective on my life. If I can bring some words of wisdom to others or give them a good laugh that's an added bonus! To me my blog is a record of my life and if I look back on it I can see where was I was mentally. I can remember what brought me joy and what was a bit harder. I might even be able to use my own words to help me with the current situation. Sometimes you don't realize that you are going through an almost similar battle in a different disguise.I have to remember I am doing these blogs for me with the hopes that they'll reach other people as well.So check back soon I'll be doing a lot of blogging in the next few weeks. I have alot to say that I can't always voice.:)

The picture above always reminds me of a happy carefree time. It's a joy filled picture :) God is great!

Who am I trying to please?

I am a people pleaser! I will admit it. Anyone who knows me well knows, I always put others first. I do anything I can to bring a smile to the faces of the people I love. That brings me joy! I love helping out. I love going the extra mile. I thrive off of making someone's day easier. So that being said.. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of letting them down. I am afraid of disappointing them. Or ruining my friendship.

However, what's the chances of that really happening? What's the chance of them not caring about me anymore because I couldn't give them a ride to Walmart. (That's just an example) If I lose a friend because I couldn't help them out. Were they really a good friend to begin with?

What I have to work on right now is not worrying about what others think. I have to know that my friends and family love me for me. Not for what I can do for them. Not that I am saying I should stop trying to help out. Trying to make their lives easier. Hey that's who I am and it brings me joy. If it felt like a chore then I would have to reconsider. I have to work on not judging myself so harshly. That's going to be a huge battle for me. But it's one I think I am ready for!

This hasn't been the easiest few weeks of my life, and there have been a lot of mountains to climb. However I am looking at this challenge in a way to grown and change and be a better person when it's all over.

Here's one area that I am going to work extra hard on.

Wish me luck :)

Finding The Fun

This picture just always makes me smile. No matter how many times I've seen it. It makes me smile. It was taken when Monaco was just a baby. My mom was playing around with her and we managed to get this picture. She's showing her inner Diva side. Or even a better way of looking at it. She's having fun in life. I am fully aware that sometimes life is serious. Sometimes it hard. However what I have discovered the past few weeks there is a time to let go. Step out of your comfort zone and have fun! Find things that make you laugh. Find things that bring your heart joy. I am going to take my own advice and the next few weeks. I am going to look for the fun. I am going to enjoy what I have been given. I am going to let my inner fun side out. She's been hiding for way too long!

LIVE LAUGH LOVE