Letting go!
I am not good at asking for help. I am not good at saying "Hey, I am hurting right now and I just need to talk." I am not one who can normally just call someone up and have a conversation with them. I know that sounds so funny coming from the queen of emotions. I know I can't hide my emotions well and my eyes and face give away everything! I don't have any control of that or I would totally do a better job. It's why I can never play poker :)
I have a really hard time asking for prayer. Sometimes I can do it. A lot of the times in a text message but it's a start! I struggle with all of this so deeply. I hate the idea of coming across as extra emotional or extra needy or a burden to someone. It's this HUGE rock in my stomach that paralyzes me with fear.
However I have NO problem, at all praying for others. I never mind if someone comes up to me and says "Hey, I am hurting I need your help." Or "Would you pray for me?" I jump in. I would do everything in my power to ease the pain and suffering my friends and family suffer. I would never think of them as a burden!
I don't want to come across as if I don't trust my family and my friends with my stuff. They trust me with theirs. It's not that I don't trust them with anything in my life because I do! It's just that I have a hard time actually voicing what's going through my head.
Give me pen and paper and it all spills out. Last year I had a friend that I wrote actual hand written letters to, and I felt like my personality, my heart, and soul came spilling out. I think she got to know a side of me that I keep locked up.
I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am. I need to embrace myself and let go of my insecurities. God didn't create me to be so insecure or so hard on myself. He didn't create me to stay locked away from the world. He created me to shine! He created me to be his beloved child. I can't do that if I am letting Satan whisper into my ear all my insecurities. I have to stop listening!
This blog has been the hardest one I've ever written. I am really opening myself up. I am admitting that I hide away. My goal from this point on is to start embracing myself a little more. Start letting go. Putting myself out there. I know that sometimes I am going to get hurt, but I also know I will be able to serve the Lord better! Not to mention I'll probably be blessed more in the areas where I help my loved ones. My heart is to always take care and love those in my life but I can' do that, if I am not being honest with myself or with them!
So here is to me learning how to let go.. TO Break out of the tight lock and key that I have put myself into years ago.
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