Can 2012 Fit on a Christmas Card?

As I read friends Christmas letters that summed up their 2012 year I wondered just exactly how would I do that?   Where would I start?  How could I possibly sum up 2012 in a Christmas card? 
This got me thinking.  Is it possible for me to sum up 2012?  Where would I start? Suddenly Thanksgiving comes to mind as a great place to start.   My church does a Thanksgiving day service.  I’ve never attended it before and I had no plans on attending it this year.   I had my excuse down in my head of why I would not be attending this service.   Such as I had to work the day after Thanksgiving at 5:45 so Thanksgiving day was the only day I could sleep in.  I was going to spend a Thanksgiving with a wonderful family that I am blessed to know but wasn’t supposed to be there until 1 it would be pointless to drive out to church then to not have anything to do for about an hour because driving back to Bellingham would be silly and a complete waste of gas.   Seriously these are thoughts that went through my head to justify me not going to our Thanksgiving service.  Looking back on it I just have to laugh!
I can say that God had other plans and he knew my excuses for not wanting to go.   His hand was at work days before the Thanksgiving service with a tweak of a plan here and a change in attitude here.  What I thought was just life being life was really God’s hand intervening.  The night before Thanksgiving I ended up staying the night at a friend’s house.   Spending time with her earlier that evening was planned spending the night not planned by me anyways.  God had this planned out before I was even born!! So now my excuse of it being silly to drive into Lynden was gone.  I was already there at a house that is less than 10 minutes from my church.  Again with it being that close I was able to sleep in longer then I do on a normal working day.  Both excuses gone! So I have to go to church!
 I get to the church find a seat and I can’t help by feel a heavy feeling of peace fill my heart.   The night before was a night of talking through thoughts in my head getting perspectives and dealing with things that unnerved me, and to walk into my church sit down and have that peace brought  into my heart is indescribable!.  I know I am not doing it justice.   All I can do is say let go and Let God.  That was a moment where I let go and let God.   Our Thanksgiving service is just beautiful!  People gather together and they get to share from their hearts what they are Thankful for.  What God has been doing for them.   Just hearing God’s work in so many different lives is amazing.   At one point Pastor Bob makes eye contact with me.  He mouths me a question “Do you want to share?”
                I hadn’t even planned on going to this church service! I most certainly had not thought about taking a microphone and sharing with my church family.  Yes I had so much to be thankful for.   So much! But sharing?   I found myself nodding in his direction.  He smiled and nodded back.   I was going to share.   Of course my mind started to wander and I found myself no longer paying attention.   So I quickly turned my attention to one of my favorite 3 year olds directly in front of me.   He’d been doing his best to sit and listen but like any three year old towards the end he got a little squirmy (Much like I still get) I handed him my pink notebook and asked him to draw me a picture.  By turning my attention to him for a few second I was able to get my mind off of myself and do what I love to do best.  Interact with a child which also helped me tune back in to what was being shared around us.  
The microphone was brought over to me I’d be the next person to share.  Having that microphone in my hand made my stomach turn a little bit.  Butterflies for sure!   I looked up to the piano where my friend Carissa was sitting.   She gave me a smile and a slight nod.  I knew she was telling me “You’ve got this! and you are okay!”  This is not the first time God’s had her in a room where I’ve been given a microphone and have been asked to share.  Both times the encouraging smile and the nod was just the reminder I needed.  Reminded me how amazing our God is.  I say a quick prayer and I begin to speak.  I shared with my church family just why I am so thankful.  God took an impossible situation that was said couldn’t be done and he fixed it.  He did the impossible for me!   I got to glorify God’s name!   What an amazing statement and feeling.  
     I share this story for what comes next.  The part that really got me the part that really showed me just how much God loves me.   Noah was sitting in front of me.  This kid captured my heart from the time I met him.   He means the world to me.   I think he could tell I was a little nervous.   I know he saw me look up at his mother when the microphone was passed to me.  I saw him smile at me too.  The same encouraging smile!  Somehow he got a hold that notebook that his brother had been playing with and started to write something as I started to share he was writing.   A few seconds into what I was sharing I glance over at him and he’s holding my note book with a message that means more to me then I’ll ever be able to describe.  It  said “I love Jacklin” 
I know God used Noah’s big heart that moment to speak to me.   Again it’s something I struggle to put into words but his little note of love was a reminder to me how big our God is.  How big his love is for us.   Noah’s I love you seemed small on paper, (I have the picture to prove it.) However it’s huge.  More then anyone will know.  I am so thankful that even though I had planned on not going to this service that God had other things in mind!  I can’t believe I could have missed out on this!
This year was walking with God, holding onto him when I didn’t know what was going to happen.  Lies were spoken about me.  Lies that I could have easily believed about myself!   Moments where it didn’t feel like there was hope.
During all of this God held me tightly in his arms.  He brought in people to walk beside me.  To push me when I really didn’t feel like going any further.  To remind me that I am God’s daughter and I am to be a light in this world.  My friends and family stood behind me and loved me unconditionally.
I know it wasn’t an easy year for those who walked with me.  They saw some pretty raw emotions.   And my sweet Jenny got a lot of the angrier moments.   She refused to let me give up on myself and she refused to let me push her away when it was the easiest thing to do.  Many nights spent in tears.   Though it’s us we did have lots of moments of laughter too.   We are good at finding humor anywhere we go.   The moment I hit a wall and started to fall apart, she was there to prevent that from happening by just loving me.  Praying with me and providing that extra hug.
This year was full of adventures! My new job! My sister’s wedding!, A trip to Oregon, months of house sitting the most amazing zip line trip.  A visit with my Dever girls and so much more!   IT was all tied up with God’s victory win as he completed a miracle in my life.   My life from the time I took my first breath to now is God’s story and I was reminded that of this year.  It’s my job to show his glory and power!
I can easily say that 2012 has been the year that has challenged me more than any year of my life.   I think I described it to one person as one of the hardest, exciting, challenging, faith building BEST years of my life!   I would do it again in heartbeat!  Nothing beats growing closer to God!
I know 2013 will be a continuous journey of growing closer to God, working on being the light that I am supposed to be.   Finding joy in everyday life and continuing to learn those truths about me!  I am excited for 2013!
To everyone who made 2012 one of the best years of my life at such a hard time, I thank you and I love you!

18 months of growing...

Finding the words to express my feelings and thoughts are next to impossible right at this moment.  The last nine weeks have been a whirl wind!  Being an emotional person, it’s fair to say there was a lot of up and down emotions.   They were starting to take over!

I started the Freedom in Christ study during this time period and I was still in the time of the waiting.  Waiting is not easy to do.  I’d been playing this waiting game for a year and three months already!  I just needed it to be over!

Thank Goodness I started the Freedom in Christ series in the last few weeks of waiting.  NO it is not a fix all.   I didn’t read a book and wake up cured of all negative thoughts.  Nor did I have all the answers to life.   However what I did have (And it’s not perfected!  Just sayin.)  was a book with tools and a group that supports me!  Couldn’t have come at a better time as we reached the end my emotions were running high and I was honestly starting to lose my positive perspective that I normally try to focus on.   There were many many shed tears in Jenn’s car as I told her.. I was not strong enough to fight this any longer.  Of course her being my friend refused to let me think that way.   She was good at trying to build me up. She spoke truths and held me accountable for my thoughts.  Thankfully for her we are going through this Freedom study too so she had the same tools and was able to remind me of those things too…

The tools are what SCRIPTURE says is true about me.  What God says about me.  Not what I feel about myself.  Sometimes I allow my feelings to take away from the truths. 

Now as I am entering this study it’s focusing on breaking strong holds which means dealing with the past.  Quite frankly I don’t want to deal with the past.  I want to leave it buried and be done.   However if that’s the method I continue to have.. I will never be truly be free..  (Yes still working hard with this one.. So not an overnight fix it)

So painting a pictures lots of emotions all over the place.. Truths being learned and accepted and lots of growing.

Then two weeks ago the waiting period ended!  The battle of which I had been fighting for 18 months was finally over…  I struggle with saying over.  I feel like it deserves so much more than that.   I prepared my heart for the outcome to not be what I wanted.   I was ready to take it as it was.   God wanted to show me just how big he was.  God’s name was g in the end.  The impossible had become possible!   I am just so Thankful that we have such amazing God.  I can’t help but shout praises all day long!  There is so much more I want to say and I will.  I am still working on putting it together.  I just needed to share something now! 

18 months of ups and downs.  I would do this 18 months again and again and again.  Yes I shed a lot of tears.  Yes there were moments that hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe.  However what I gained can not be replaces.  It should not be replaced.  My trust in the Lord is stronger now than ever before!  My needs were met.  I gained some of the best relationships with people that I can’t picture not having in my life.  I am just so in awe right now.   More to come… The journey continues.

A gift...

    Here is a fact about me.  I have a VERY good memory.  Or as I call it a random memory.  I remember things so clearly.  Maybe I hold on to things?   I've never understood why I've had this memory.   I've actually hated it.  It's random.  I can tell you what eye color that I've come into contact with or seen on TV.  I can remember what a person was wearing the last time I saw them.   I can recall conversations from years ago.   Yet I lose my keys daily!  Go figure!   I have memories going back to toddler hood.  I've had people tell me that's not possible.  Though the really early memories are more like flashes of images.  I can't remember exact wording.  I can remember things like a staircase (Probably the one I fell down)  I remember a green vinyl chair stool.  (Probably the one my Grandpa spun me in)  I remember a big fence.   I thought it was the biggest fence in the world.  (My mom has promised me it was actually a normal sized fence.)  I remember a yellow plastic toy piano.  (One I used to make up songs on and sing my heart out to God.   I am sure God thought it was beautiful.  To anyone else, they would have herd banging I am sure)   I remember a blue sweat outfit (It had hearts on it!  WIN)  As I grew the memories grow clearer.  I remember the big move sitting sandwiched between my Grandma and my mom in a truck for YEARS..(days but hey I was 3 and contained it felt like years) .  I remember the first time I was ever left with my dad and my other mama. (I've got the two most awesome mom's in the world!)     I remember the first time I met my sister.  (I also remember flicking her in the back seat when she was crying.  Because I thought that would make her stop.  Sorry Samantha!)   So keep growing and the memories keep adding up.  Playing with Cathy my best friend across the street whom was living with her grandparents at the time.  In fact, I remember the day I met her.   A neighbor Hazel thought it would be fun for Cathy and I to meet being she was only a few years older.  We met on her property and I remember hiding behind Hazels maroon robe at first.  It wasn't long before Cathy and I were running around pretending we were Sharia.    Best friends right away!  My first friend will always hold a spot in my heart that no one can fill.  (Love you Cat... Glad you know how to say Purple now..)    Great memory..

 Of course with the good memories come the DARK memories the ones I don't want.  (Or the ones I thought I didn't want.)   I have many painful memories, graphic painful scary memories that no child should have to remember.  I remember the pain, (Physically and emotionally)   One "Friendly family Friend"  Did a fair share amount of damage for a few years. 

However, with those memories come the memories of God's ever lasting love.  The feeling that God was with me.  I remember this peace.   A peace that I can't explain.  No words what so ever.  However in my darkest moments when tears could not be shed there was a peace.   A sense of love that is Indescribable!!

As I continued to grow the cause of the dark memories disappeared and I quickly pushed those behind me.  So I was not focusing on those memories.  Yet with my memory they never went away.  Just pushed back.

I've had lots of time to make many more memories, some great some not so great.  I've had time to question my sanity.   I've never  quite understood why I have the memory I have.   It's overwhelming and some people say a little strange at all.   Anything can trigger a past memory.  Sense of smell, a look, a fabric swatch, the way someone says my name, a touch.   A sound..  A feeling...  So on and so on..

It's safe to say that I am in a time of healing.  God wants me to heal.  I can feel it..  I sense it.  It's in the words of my friends, it's in what I am finding in my Bible Study, it's what I am finding in my readings.  It's a safe time to heal.    Lots of emotions the last few weeks.  

Friday was a hard day for me.  Yet I was given a gift.  A gift of a memory I HAD actually forgotten about.   When things get to be too much for me, I shut down! (my poor friends that have been stuck with me during shut down mode)    So yesterday in a shut down moment a room turned silent even though it was busy, it almost turned white.  I wasn't going to deal with the cards in front of me.   Yet that peace that I had as a child came over me.  That feeling of God's ever lasting love.     I could hear him whispering to me.  "I am here, I am here, I am here,  Jacqueline, I am here. I love you... I LOVE YOU."   This peace... Filled my heart and just as soon as I started to check out and shut down, reality came back to me and it was over.  I was filled with this peace.   I was quiet for awhile after.  I was trying to grab on to that memory and hold on to it.  I NEVER want to lose that memory again! I will be forever thankful for that moment...   It was a reminder of me being a small child and trusting with my heart and soul in trusting the Lord.

This week I've found myself saying "I don't understand this, why?  Am I nuts?  Why oh why Lord?"  With the questioning came the lies.  Lies the enemy wanted to believe about myself.  It got to be so intense this week that at one point, I was standing in front of a friend who needed me to communicate with her and I had LOUD scary sounding voices coming at me once.  I couldn't focus, I couldn't talk.  (Not much anyways)  I knew I wanted to cry.  I KNEW I wanted to yell "SHUT UP" Really loudly and throw something. Or fall to my knees and cry!  THANKFULLY I managed to refrain myself from doing those things.  I just can't imagine yelling SHUT UP standing right in front of a person I love.   Somehow I managed to communicate with her what I needed her to hear and was able to listen to what she needed.   Though that moment left me numb.   I don't recall a moment being that intense ever.  (In our Freedom in Christ Study we are learning how to defuse lies and strong holds.  It's pretty amazing)  So from the moment I walked away from her that night I went into a numb state.   The lies continued to scream at me.  (She hates you now, she thinks your stupid... All lies by the way.  I know for fact that wasn't the case!)  

Lies continued into the next day at work where I felt it was just best to stay quiet and reflect. I was seriously questioning myself!  I did my job tried to do the best I could with it went to my Study just listened.  Listened to my group, listened to a group of women that encourage me daily.  I went home and prayed and prayed! 

Then the next day (Friday) I was given that gift.  That memory of the peace that I felt as a kid.  Which became a new memory in its self.   It caught my attention and it filled me with peace.   

This time of healing is BIG.  I am excited about it.  I know the enemy wants me to lose faith in myself and question everything.  Stumbling block to keep me from growing and I am not going to let him win!  I have the power to say "NO" To him.  Just realized that few weeks ago.

And I am now considering my memory as a gift.  God gave me the gift of a good memory for a reason.  To recall up things for a reason.   I am making it my goal to use my gift to spread the GOOD WORD of our Heavenly Father to anyone who will listen.     

My memories help make me me, and to God I am a Saint, Adopted into the Kingdom.  God's Princess.  He created me to do Good Work for him..Through HIM

Blessed..  Ready to continue my journey allowing God to keep refining me to me more in his image everyday!

I AM A PRINCESS

Another year, another birthday!   365 days ago my life was at a standstill.  I was literally just hanging on.  I didn’t know if things were going to be okay.  I didn’t know when I could move forward.  I didn’t know how to breathe.   I remember floating through my birthday last year in a fog!  Moment to moment just focusing on breathing!  That’s a birthday I’ll never forget.  Nor will I want to.  It was a day of great faith and great growing.  I just was stuck.

Flash forward to 365 days.  Another Birthday, the weeks leading up to my birthday have been challenging.  VERY EMOTIONAL..   I am in this study course Freedom In Christ.  It’s challenging me.  It’s making me deal with things I’ve never dealt with.  God is saying it’s time to heal.   I am here for you and we are going to heal together.   He’s planted some very special people in my life who are walking beside me during this process.  Holding my hand when I need it, passing me tissues and giving me extra hugs when needed.   That’s fantastic!   So as I take a step back and review this day.  I realize I am a different person then last year. I am no longer stuck!   I’ve grown so much.  My heart has grown more than I ever thought.  My life is going in a direction that I am proud of.  I am discovering more and more all of the gifts that God has given me.  In myself and those around me.   I think my friend Carissa summed it up best at a retreat in March.   I am a Princess, because I am the daughter of the King.   That blows my mind..   That gives me such a sense of peace.  I think at one point all little girls want to be a princess…   And I am!   What a difference a year can make on your viewing point!  

I am so truly wonderful amazingly blessed.

AND if this day wasn’t cool enough I get to share it with my sweet Jenny!    LOVE