Focusing

     Last year at this time I was in this period of waiting, I was in this period of quietness.  Many hours spent alone.    Lots of time to think.    Now life is speeding by and I am finding that I have less time to think.  I am still in a time of waiting.   I am still waiting on an answer.  I know that no matter what the out come is, I will be fine.   In fact I will be stronger...  Wiser.

I stay as focused on the positives as I can.   I love to look at the situations in my life and find the hand of God.  I love to see where he's been walking beside me and where's he been carrying me.  I can not even begin to put into words how much growth has happened this year.  In my heart, in my faith in my relationships.   Those moments where my heart is just breaking... I pull up those memories I have tucked away in my heart from this year.   The ones that are recorded in my joy journal.   I see the why and I say Thank You...   Thank You God for walking with me, carrying me when I can't and showing your love for me through the written words and the special people you've planted in my path..   

So yes, I am thankful for where I am at.  So very thankful for where I am at.  I know that my faith is growing so much... It's really amazing! 

Being thankful doesn't mean there isn't time of pain.  Time of questioning.    The thing I want most in life is to use my past and the things I've gone through to show God's glory.  I've gone through some very dark situations that were painful and scary.    I didn't go through those times alone.  I had God's hand in mine my entire life...   

If I can show the light of God through my life.. Through my story then that's what it's all about!  I myself have learned so many valuable life lessons... Lessons that helped me grow in my faith and in myself.    I pray that God uses me to touch the hearts of those around me.  That's what means the most to me in life.     

If I want to be used by God, I've got to let him more.  Sounds funny right?  Here I am saying he's walked with me my whole life and now I am saying I've got to let him in?    Yes he's walked with me.   However the world around me has gotten to me.  My own flesh insecurities have gotten to me.   The enemy has gotten to me.   I've found myself in rut where my thoughts have been focused on lies I've chosen to believe.   Lies that I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough.  I am not nice enough.  I am annoying.  I am broken.  I am not helpful.  No one actually likes me.  My emotions are too much for anyone to handle.   I am crazy.  I am mean.... The self destructive lies that have put up barrier between God and I.   With these lies I started to believe God was always angry with me.   I was always disappointing him.   I've failed him.   I've pushed him one to many times and he's going to leave me.     I am in the process of working through these lies.   Figuring out where they've come.  How am I letting them control me and how I can break free of them.    I know that through GOD all things are possible and believing in him and working with him.  I will break through these things, but I also know that it's not going to happen over night.  I have 28 years of thinking certain things to break free from and re train myself.

This is the current road I am on...  Learning new things, growing, waiting and keeping my FOCUS upward.  Remembering that no matter what, I am not alone and I am very loved by God....  It's all so confusing right now but it's worth working through..