Some Day

Some day when I look back at this time of my life, I am going to miss it. I am going to miss some of what I have, because it will be different. Saying that out loud is shocking. Why? Because there is a lot of challenging moments right now. There is quite a bit of pain. However there really are some really amazing bright spots.. Things I take for granted... It goes back to finding that POJ... If you attend my church you know what that means. The women at my church are so encouraging and wonderful... I haven't even gone on our retreat yet and I am already learning how to unwrap my joy... I seriously can't wait until the retreat happens in a few weeks. I know I am going to walk away with a full happy heart. With memories I'll hold close to my heart and wisdom I'll be able to use in life. So like I said so excited for this up coming retreat! I am counting down the days!! I feel like a little child waiting for Christmas come! The gifts are going to be life changing... I can sense it!

Which brings me back to finding out the little Pops of Joy along the way. Last week, I stood in front of a person I admire and look up too and said... "I sense a breaking down coming." She looked at my with a raised an eyebrow and I had to explain what I was feeling. I was feeling this HEAVY feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was feeling discouraged. I couldn't talk to anyone with out crying. I was feeling intense migraines and I couldn't keep that voice of doubt quiet. I fought it but it got stronger and stronger. The more I fought it the worse I felt... It got to a boiling point where life became a daze. I just went through the motions... Not even sure how I made it to Thursday... Then Thursday came... I finally threw up my arms and stopped fighting it. I cried, I yelled... I finally said "I AM STINKING MAD.. I am mad at life I am Mad Mad MAD! AUGH..."

Then once all those feelings were out... They left. I felt as if a million pounds had been lifted off of me. My stomach settled down and that voice of doubt fled. I praised God for loving me through my tantrum. I praised God for the people who love me and stand by me when I am at that nasty rare form. I praised God for letting me feel those feelings. How will I ever be able to help any other person if I don't feel emotions? I thanked him for walking me through it. I thanked him for allowing me to grow this time in my life. I also made sure to Thank him for allowing me to feel free after that melt down.. So as I was telling my friend earlier that week a melt down was looming, I was more then right. However I needed to have it. I needed to let those nasty toxic feelings OUT of my body and not shove them in deeper.

After this break down I suddenly began to see the POJ's so much clearer in my life. I think it was sitting across from my little bug sipping on smoothies after school people watching. This child is so much like me it's not even funny. I am in her life for a reason, and those simple moments of sharing smoothies and just hanging out will most likely stick with her for life. She's learning from me. I was given a gift to be able to be in her life. I had never been more thankful for anything in my life then really seeing that.

I see that I have people that really love me! They want to spend time with me. They want to get to know me. They want to have lunch with me. They want to go to dinner or see a play. That's such a gift. I am so blessed to have such amazing supportive people in my life. People who when they ask how I am doing? Actually want to know..

I am blessed that I have such a great friend that I can spend five whole hours in a car with her and not run out of things to talk about. To not even feel like five hours just went by. Felt more like two at the most.

I have two of the most amazing Cats... Yes I went there.. I am the crazy cat lady. That love me and want to be near me.

I have church where I can grow stronger in my faith! I am free to be me! I get to learn how to run lights and sounds. I get to watch the Worship team praise and Worship the Mighty Father.. I have mentors and bright lights shining around me all the time there. I hope that I am some day a bright light at my church for others as they are for me.

I have a friends who love to "Re-Arrange my house" Or lick me... Or Poke me... Or Whatever else she feels like doing... Because indeed she LOVES me... She constantly reminds me to have fun in life. You can't be serious all the time.

I have a niece that sells Girl Scout cookies... How cool is that... Cookies in my house yay!!

So many POJ's right now...... Things will be different in ten years from now. I am going to miss some of this time. Though I know wonderful things will be happening then too. Why do I know this? Because I've got God and he's always going to be there and he'll always be carrying me through life then.. Just as he is now...

So as I finish up this blog I have to say.. I am loving finding my Pop of Joy moments through this time... Finding them in the middle of the pain makes the pain feel not so bad. I am learning to acknowledge things.. I am learning to feel and let go.. Rather then stuff down and pretend.

After All in this life.. "My God is SO GREAT... So Strong and So mighty! There is NOTHING My God Can not do!"

And now I must go find some more POJ's.....