Melt down...

This week I had a melt down.  Threw a tantrum like a child... Listened to that little voice inside of my head that told me I was not good enough.  In fact I herd "You're ugly! You are too fat!  You are too perky!  You try to hard!  No one really wants to be friends with you.  You are too emotional... To damaged.. Beyond repair."  Those were some pretty intense voices.   They got me.. Oh how they got me...  It was a full inward battle... Lots of anger and emotions.   Things I haven't addressed.  I push away.  That's just me.

God gave me a gift.... He gave me a gift of a friend that no matter how much I try to shut out the world, she won't let me shut her out.  She'll do anything to make me smile.  She'll push me harder then anyone has ever pushed... This week she first assured me she loved me.  Said some truths.. Hard things to hear... Things I needed to hear..  She hugged me and allowed me to share my feelings.   She also challenged me.  Challenged me to look at things a little different.  Challenged me to not rob the joy out of my own life.

She challenged me to read a Psalm and a Proverb every day... Find truths in them.  Realize my importance to God.

Replaying that conversation in my head... God gave me the best of friend... I see him through her daily... I am so very blessed.... THAT day... is going down in my joy journal.   I am not okay with my behavior of that day.  Things I need to work on.. However, I am thankful to see the growth in my life.  To see just how much God loves me.  To see his love in a bond between a friend that's is not describable... 

I am so blessed....

Thank you God..... 

Compassion

"You're too sensitive!  You are such a people pleaser!!  Don't take everything so personally!  Who cares what they think of you?  Why are you giving that person your time?  They've never been nice to you!  You are too trusting!  You are naive!"  I have herd those comments many times in my life.  Numerous times in my life.  By many...  At one point I became ashamed of myself.  I felt embarrassed!  I didn't understand me...  I got the "You get hurt, because you give too much!  Don't you ever do anything just for you?   You are too trusting!   Why do you have the desire to please people?"   Again the more I herd those things the more I doubted myself.   Maybe I am too emotional, maybe I am too trusting...

What I have really learned over this past year as I have gone through many huge life challenges and changes.  If you look at those things a negatives then yes they are going to be negative and yes they are going to tear you down.

However if you look at those in a different light everything changes.  Those who know me well know I try to tend to always look at the more positive side of life.  I want to be happy, I want to be fulfilled and I want those around me to have the best of me I can offer.

I was made to be sensitive, I was made to cry easy, to laugh often and to love with my full heart.   It's actually the best gift I have ever been given!  I of course am just learning this, I used to see this as a flaw... However my emotions connect me to people.  They allow me to love and they allow me to forgive...

I am that person that loves everyone with everything I have, but have a wall up around me and have a hard time letting others love me... That's not healthy and that's what I am working on right now..  Allowing others to love me..

This week I have had a few people just laid on my heart, so much love and compassion towards them.  Some I know very well... Some I am just meeting...  

This past year has really changed me... It's made my Faith grow.. It's made me grow in ways I can't explain   So this past week as I am thinking about others... Praying for them..  Allowing my emotions to guide me... I am seeing it as a gift... Not a curse...  I am seeing just how much God has given me.  How much God is doing in this world.

How thankful I am to witness it in my own life and the lives of others around me.

I am not ashamed of being emotional, I am not ashamed of asking for help when I need it.  I am not ashamed of wanting to cry for no reason.  I am not ashamed of investing in others...   I am just learning that I can be me and it doesn't matter how the world views me.  It only matters how God views me.  He made me this way and I am thankful for that.  I am thankful to be me!

God's amazing work

God is a miracle worker that's for sure!   I have seen his hand at work in the last two weeks!  That new song from Newsboys has been in my head a lot the last few weeks.  My God's not dead he's surely alive!  No, I have never thought God was dead, but I see him moving in my life!

I am going to start at the beginning and try to show you what I've seen.   At the women's retreat I was asked if I would like to give testimony at the women's bible study Tuesday mornings.   I said yes on one condition... If I didn't get a job at TC trading where I just applied.  They were supposed to let me know right away.    A week came and went and I herd no news.  I fell into a darkness that week.   Everything felt hopeless and I felt lonely.   I threw my joy journal across a desk and then buried it with papers.   That thing was dumb there was no joy.  I didn't want to look at it.   It's as if I were mad at it! 

Finally it was the night before I was supposed to give my testimony and I had no idea what I was going to say.  What I was going to share.   I prayed.  I prayed for two things, I prayed that God would give me the words to show his glory in my life and I prayed that someone I felt safe would show up for my testimony so I wouldn't be as nervous.

That morning came and I had nothing planned,  I had nothing prepared.  I knew that when I got up to speak it would be God's words.   Right before I went up to speak, I saw a friend slip into the room and sit down.   My safe friend!  Answered prayer number one.  I walked up there and I just began to speak from my heart.  I shared how I've always known God  I shared about the wonderful things he's done for me through hardships.  The few times I got nervous I would focus on my safe friend and pretend I was only talking to her.  After all I have shared many of these things with her already.   That made it much easier.

 The women in the room prayed for me to get a job.  They prayed for God's will in my life.  

I came home that afternoon and NO sooner had pulled into my drive way, my phone began to ring.  It was LOGOS!!  Back story, I have been wanting to work at Logos for a long time.  It's a great Christian company.  You can really grow there.   I knew people that worked there that loved it.  One of my best friends works there.  It's just amazing.  I had been applying almost every month.

SO I was OVERJOYED to have an interview.   I called my friends to share.  Prayers were already being answered!!  Awesome!

Later that day TC trading company called and offered me a job.  So at the end of the day I had an interview at my DREAM company and a guaranteed job some where else.  I HAD not been expecting this!  Yikes now what?   I asked for 24 hours to think and pray....

The next day I went in for my interview and left feeling pretty good about it.   So some more prayer... I called TC Trading and confessed that No I didn't have the job at Logos but it looked good and it was my dream job.  I wanted to wait for them.  I apologized to them, but I didn't want to start working for them and leave.  They were so understanding..  They wished me the best of luck.   I look at this way now someone else has a job with them who might not have had a job before.  

So another week went by a very hard week, I lost a beloved family member. My sweet Aunt Monkey.  My heart was broken, I never did get to say goodbye and I couldn't be there for my family.  It's a big loss for that side of my family!  I don't think we've really lost anyone since Granny died when I was a small child!  It's still hard to process!   Also during this time my Uncle BJ had a heart attack!! Scary news!  I just lost an aunt.  I was scared to death I was going to lose my amazing Uncle BJ.   He's been a huge part of my life.  He's the one that I can always count on.   He's amazing!   After a triple bypass surgery he's doing good!  Praise!

Now during this week of hard family problems I find out that I get a second interview at Logos!   That's a great news!!

I continue my week and get to preform in awesome play!  I get to spend time with an awesome friend, one where that when ever I spend one on one time with I feel encouraged and grow just a little bit more.  It's hard to explain, but it's true..  God really gave me another amazing friend in her.  Just like he did with my Jenny..  I can FEEL his love for me pour out through them!!  So these things I wouldn't have been able to do if I had been working at TC.. (See everything is on God's time)

Today I am happy to announce I am now a new LOGOS employee!

A chapter of my life is now closed, my faith has grown so much in this time.   Now I get to start a brand new chapter.


So with the ups and the downs... Everything is PRAISE Worthy...  My joy journal is getting a work out these days.   I have a very THANKFUL heart right now.   Praise to GOD... This is all his Handy work..  

He's living on the inside roaring like a lion!!

AMEN!!!

God's amazing work

Today was EPIC... I think that's the best way to describe today.

At the Women's retreat I mentioned that SOME day I would love to give my testimony. I of course was thinking way down the line. YEARS from now when I was more grown up.

God had other plans, I was asked to give my testimony with in ten days of the retreat, I agreed on one condition. I said as long as I don't have a job yet, sure. I had just interviewed for a job.

The week came and passed and no job. I was broken torn apart. I wasn't sure I would recover from this one. I was throwing one big dramatic temper tantrum! There was screaming, there was crying. The lie people tell other people about their kids, your kids will out grow the tantrum stage. God knows better :)

Finally I pulled myself together and realized that God's will was still to be done. He was in charge not me. He had this. I got to reflect on what he gave up FOR me.. Through this Easter Weekend. I found myself find joy again. However the weekend ended and this would be the week that I would share. What was I going to share? How was I going to share? What to say? I tried to write things down, however I had no words and my paper stayed blank. I had a feeling in my heart God saying. "I've got this"

Today, I stood up in front of the women at my church my sisters and I shared from my heart. God of course gave me the support I needed. He made it safe for me. He gave me all the right words. I shared his Glory today an amazing feeling I tell ya.

At the end I was prayed for. I was prayed a job would come along. I need a job! Then no sooner had I pulled into my drive after this amazing morning my phone rings. Logos is offering me an interview!! That's where I have wanted to work. That's my dream job! I quickly take the interview and then start calling and texting people to let them know the good news! My day goes on and I get another call the job I interviewed for last week is open to me. I asked for 24 hours to think it over and pray about it. Huge doors just opened for me.

God did this, he wanted me to share my testimony this morning. He wanted me to see him working. I am just amazed.

My joy journal is getting a work out today!

I am blessed! I am thankful! All my praise goes to God!

Unwrapping MY joy part 3

Giving thanks is an act of surrendering... This blew me away this weekend. I have NOT given thanks for where I am right now. How could I? my point in life right now is low.. It's survival.. It's hanging on and LOOKING for the light. It's fear... It's PAIN.. It's loneliness. It's a lot un known... Or so I thought. How do you say "THANK YOU GOD" for this? When you've been trying to glue your shattered heart back together for the last nine months?

Through out this journey I have seen God's hands. I have known he was there with me. Even when I am throwing nasty little tantrums. I have NEVER doubted that God wasn't there. I have been beyond angry, and honestly I have been angry at him. I have had the Why questions? Why didn't he prevent this? He knew it was coming. Why do I have to go through MORE pain.. I have faced so much already. I was finally at a breathing point..

What I have come to understand through all of this, is it's always been in the plan. God's always been preparing me for this point in my life. I know this because I started tracing it backwards I can see a connection that started when I was eleven years old! I don't know what the point in this is. I do know that GOD is going to USE ME... He's going to use me to show his love and greatness some how through all of this. It might not be any time soon. It could be years from now.. I just know that I will get to show God's LOVE and that.... Right there in its self is the reason to stop and say "THANK YOU... Lord THANK YOU... Thank you for LOVING ME. Thank you for helping me Grow. Thank You for letting me be a LIGHT to the world. Thank You for what I do not understand.This morning I gave THANKS for my journey and I feel like a huge boulder has been lifted from my shoulders.

Nothing is solved right this second. I am still climbing the Mountain.. It's just easier now not carrying that burden on my shoulders. I now know what the plan is. The plan is just to trust and give thanks for the blessings and the joy I do have..

Unwrapping MY joy part 2

This afternoon I got to spend sometime with my dear dad, sister and adorable but growing way to fast niece! We went to the movies. Seeing movies together is our thing... It's what we do to bond.. I know how do you bond when you can't talk? Talking isn't always important it's just being together. Now that I am grown and doing my own things family time happens very little. In the past I have taken this for granted. Today I am writing it down... I am taking the challenge to find a 1000 gifts from God. It's a new concept to me. Yet it's not... Over the past few months I have known to look for joy moments. Write them down.. Forget about them once the journal is closed... Not this time... This time I am challenging myself... I think setting a number to it actually helps my brain think about it. I think it's the little extra drive I need. It makes me a little sad that I had to think about setting a number to it to search out the precious joy filled moments God gives me through out the day. I should always want to be seeking them and finding them! However that's not where I am at right now. Right now I need the numbers. However I know that eventually spotting those moments will come so easy.. It's re-training my brain to think. At one point in my life everything was dooms day! I had no hope. Nothing was good. I was in a fog... However I hated that yucky feeling! So I with God's help of course, no way could I do it on my own!! Began to change my attitude.... I am not perfect by far, however I do know that I am a happier more positive person. People have come up to me and told me they love my positive attitude! Warms my heart. Though the past few months have been a lot harder to see that! I've noticed more darker days. Though it's allowed. I am allowed to feel the pain that I am going through. I am allowed to cry. What I am not allowed to do is stay down. To stay in myself pity moods. I need to hold my head high and KNOW and TRUST that God is taking me through this. He's got me.

Finding Joy right where I am... That's what I have to focus on right now! So I don't have a job... Doesn't mean I don't have joy. I get to go to Tuesday morning Bible Study! JOY... I get to sleep in...JOY... I get to go have lunch with my awesome friend sometimes multiple times a week. JOY.. I get to have coffee with others who aren't working... JOY... I am able to do emergency babysitting jobs for friends... JOY... I can run errands for my friends and family who might not have the time to do what they need.. I get to bless them.... J O Y... Writing that out makes me think of my time off as a blessing!! Don't get me wrong of course there is still pain tied in with it... However the JOYS so out way the pain... That's just pretty cool to see it that way. Of course that doesn't mean I stop looking for a job... I am still going to search, but I am going to search knowing that this is God's plan... The job door WILL open up when it's the right job and the right time. Right now God needs me to do other things. To serve HIM in other ways...

As I write this I am seeing that I want to make a series of Blogs for Unwrapping MY joy... It's where my focus is going to be. I am finding I have a lot on my mind. Considering this whole blog came from the first line of notes I took during the Women's retreat and Sandi's first session.. She had 3 sessions on her own... Three pages of notes. Not to mention what I got out of the closing. I am going to process and write as it comes to me. I am very excited about my new Blog series.. Stay tuned :)

Unwrapping MY joy... Part 1

This blog is going to be a two parter that's for sure. I have so much going through my head at one time. My blogs are letters to myself so I can always remember exactly where I was at this point in my life.

I was blessed this weekend to attend a Women's retreat with my church, though honestly us Sunrise women are family! It was an E P I C weekend. I can't thank the team that put it together enough for making it so special for us. They truly acted on what the Lord had in store for us and helped make it happen. God of course deserves the biggest Thanks of all because he was there! WORKING in so many hearts.

To start at the beginning of this ever since I've herd about the retreat I know I wanted to go. So when it was announced that we could sign up soon I was very excited. I found out the price and knew that I would pull it from savings because there would be NO way that I would want to miss this! However the week that led up to the first Sunday that we could sign up I ran into exactly 63 dollars! Gift from God! I didn't have to touch my savings account. God gave it to me! So that Sunday morning right after church I made it up to the front desk area where I could pay. I had to pay right away! I didn't want to be tempted to by forty some mocha's with it or by a half of cup of Gasoline with it... (With the gas prices these day I am sure that's pretty close :) ) I had also had previously talked to Carissa and was going to set up a time with her where I could hang out and chat. Two things on my mind to do... Well to make a long story short.. I signed up, paid and SET the lunch date with Carissa.. So it was a win win situation all the way around. I had peace that I was going, I write this all out because I think it's funny that I was just so intent on using the money God gave me for this retreat that I had to get it done right away! Well turns out.. I was the first one that paid and won a prize for that at the retreat!! Which was sweet and warmed my heart and reminded me of how joyful that day had been to me. To sign up for the retreat and to make time to spend with a new friend! Defiantly POPS of joy... Getting written down here and moving to my joy journal...

This season of my life has been rough, and emotional and very hard to deal with at times. Satan defiantly didn't want me to go to this retreat feeling good about myself. So the week leading up to the retreat was crazy! There was big stuff happening in my life. Things I didn't know how to prepare for. There was OLD past scars that hadn't been thought of in years ripped open and salt poured into them. Ouch. Lots of hurt... Lots of emotions and I was weak and didn't trust in God and acted on Satan's voice. He doesn't control me. I can't blame it on him. I followed his voice instead of the voice of God... I BELIEVED lies and lashed out at the people close to me. I was mean and nasty.. NOT myself. That is not something I do. I don't normally attack the ones I love, in fact if they hurt my feelings I brush it off shove it aside and never say anything. It's not worth hurting someone over. This time not so much.. I was at all time low!! Thankfully the ones I lashed out could smell the smoke around me and forgave me. It took me a few days to forgive myself and to ask God to forgive me for hurting his other children. It's done and forgiven but it was a growing lesson. It COULD have ruined this weekend for me. It could have made me miserable... It didn't... God was stronger. God IS stronger. He knew how much I needed to hear this weekend. He knew how much I needed to love others around me and be loved on by others around me. So he gave me the strength to stand back up, brush this week off and move forward!!

MORE to come in the next blog... There is just so much I want to get down.. Time has run out...

TBC... Praying for God's words on the next one..